


Dear Connor Murphy

by ponyboy_xo



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: 420 blazing, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marijuana, Maybe - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentioned suicide attempt, Mild Smut, OOC?, POV Male Character, POV Multiple, Pain, Possible vague smut??, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Tree Bros, am i doing this right, demibisexual male character, gay af, i dont know what im doing, im trying to make it not ooc i promise, its here, my contribution to the fanbase, smooches so far
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:05:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 68,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ponyboy_xo/pseuds/ponyboy_xo
Summary: Kleinmans words hung in the air, immediately creating tension throughout the high school.The words ringing in Connor’s ears as he gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Through his hazy high, Connor felt the dulled and delayed outrage at the kids remark. His words cutting deep though his face stayed stoic, trying to control his already mounting frustration.____Edit- Thank you all so much for the support I am getting from writing this!! I love all of you. xoxo





	1. Chapter 1

**“Hey, Connor. Loving the new hair length! Very school shooter chic.”**

Kleinman's words hung in the air, immediately creating tension throughout the high school.The words ringing in Connor’s ears as he gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. Through his hazy high, Connor felt the dulled and delayed outrage at the kids' remark. His words cutting deep though his face stayed stoic, trying to control his already mounting frustration. Turning and making a few dismissive, though witty, remarks before another bundle of words echoed in his head and made him wake up to pure frustration.

_“You’re such a freak.”_

This word knocked him out of his fading stupor, looking over as the punk walked away. On edge once again like a cat balancing on barbed wire, the teen took a breath and clenched his fists so hard he felt them shake as he told himself to breathe. Connor felt the high wearing off and the self-hatred dripping back into his blood like toxic liquid in an IV bag. He had wanted to try to be better today. That’s the whole reason he showed up for school even when he told his parents he would just ditch. Now he just wanted to run.

_Kleinman is right. You are a freak. You are a monster. Would anyone care if you ju-_

The world seemed to slow as he heard a chuckle to his right and his head snapped over a few feet to zero in on the anxious kid of the school. It’d be easier to take it out on someone right? Blind rage that had been held down from the last few unbearable days erupted from his body.

“What the _fuck_ are you laughing at?” Connor grit out. Slowly speeding up as he walked over to the honey blonde.

“What?”

“ _Stop fucking laughing at me!”_

“No No, I- I’m not-”

_”You think I'm a freak?!”_

“N-no I-I don’t...”

“I’m not the freak!”

“ But I wasn’t laughing..”

_“You're the fucking freak!”_

He shoved the kid to the ground in a rush, bristling with resentful anger as he stalked off, his shoulders tense with strides long and bounding. Desiring to escape that wretched hallway. Escape his wretched life. Connor clutched his bags strap so hard it hurt his knuckles and caused the skin to go even paler, shoving his way past the students flowing into the school and reaching a quieter area in the dismissed corner of his Algebra 2 class. Slumping into his normal seat and burrowing away. At least he was here, right? At least he was trying.

_You know that's not enough._

Somehow he got out of bed in the morning, of course, no one acknowledged it was hard for him but he tried. Of course, it was all in vain, seeing that he just pushed a kid to the ground but...fuck that kid.. Right? Connor did hear him laugh or snort or something, even if he couldn’t shake the feeling that he misjudged.

 

In that boring ass class he would normally just fall asleep under his hoodie, but instead, he was wide awake. He couldn't shake how that kid looked up at him with fear and dullness tainting the soft brown irises. Connor knew that dreariness since he looked into those scared eyes every morning in the mirror after another almost sleepless night. He looked into those scared eyes every morning, dealing with the aftermath of his midnight high and the disgust that came up his throat at the sight of himself. It just struck him to his core, seeing a familiarity of himself in someone, which has coaxed him curiously out of the shady normal boring cycle of his day where nothing gets better.  

 

Also, the poor kid had a fucking cast to add onto the shitty situation. He was already injured and Connor could’ve hurt him or made his arm worse.

_Why couldn't you just leave him alone? You probably caused him to have to go back to the hospital with the way he fell._

Shoving his face into the hoodie more and tightening his arms around his head. Almost attempting to strangle the thoughts in his head about the kid, trying to get his brain to just **shut up** , and waiting for the rustling of zippers and talking to get abundantly louder than normal to signify the end of the period. Thinking through what he could say to the kid, Evan?, if the polo-donned teen ever gave him the chance as he walked through the halls. Next was the only class he cared for in the frustrating depression spawning hell that is high school, Intermediate Drawing. Thankfully he could bear this class and even had a B+ in it. Still in the back corner, though no one bothered him there. He sometimes even felt like he wasn’t a piece of shit when his sketched portraits were complimented.

_They’re just doing that because they think you’re going to shoot up the school and maybe they would have a chance. No wonder Jared Fucking Kleinman brought it up. Everyone thinks that you’re just a worthless freak._

Connor took a deep breath, shoving his earbuds in his ears to tune out the non-stop, and sketched in his leather bound journal until the teacher dismissed class, slinking out through the back door and to the computer lab just down the hall. Of course, Connor wasn’t planning on eating anything but at least he could act like it. Striding through the hall with mock confidence and into the computer lab. Causing that kid, or was it Eric?, to fall for the second time today, Connor barely noticed him. They both turned the corner at the right time and _blam._

“What the fuc-” Connor looked down at the unknown person and felt his words melt off his tongue, eyes focusing in on the familiar blue polo shirt as he pulled an earbud out. Swallowing and clearing his throat. Opening his mouth to maybe even apologize as the kid, Definitely Evan, until he heard his first few words being voiced by the wrong vocal cords. Standing up and dusting off his khakis, The kid let his rambling go off the charts.

“I-I’m sorry. A-about this m-morning... I didn’t l-laugh. I know it was terrible timing and I totally deserved it a-and I just wanted to apologize for J-jared. H-he can be kind of a jerk s-sometimes.”

First shock struck Connor, though it was hard to see unless you knew the blue eyes that betrayed him. Connor smirked and shrugged, shaking off the relief that he didn’t have to outright apologize.

“Yeah. Obviously, he’s kind of a dick.”

Evan stepped away from him and Connor nodded at Evan and took a breath, the close proximity causing unease. Moving to one of the computers on the other side of the room. Slumping down in a chair and looking over his homework online before closing the window and internally shrugging. Like he was going to do it anyways. Unless it was art. Then and only then did he do his homework. Who did the teachers think he was? A healthy teenager? Ha. Right.

He felt a rumble of slight hunger and pulled a paper bag out of his messenger tote. He rustled through it before he pulled out a mysterious sandwich. What abomination had his mother made up this time? Connor didn't always show his fondness for his mother but he could normally get a pang of something like love for her when she still tried and hasn't given up on him. Yet. Though when he saw a banana and something-unrecognizable jam sandwich he cringed. Could he have something with protein and not just the new fruit fad or weird diet?

He looked up as he saw Evan re-enter the room and picked up on his constant little quirks. Smirking slightly at the hand that still picked at the threads on the bottom hem of his striped polo as he passed back to where his bag was located. Connor noticed he had been studying the kid for way longer than five seconds and tore his gaze away. Occupying himself as he inspected his lunch bag for something more substantial. Perking up slightly in victory at the sight of peanut butter and celery. He pulled out the celery sticks and scooped a hearty helping of peanut butter on the vegetable. Though Connor might not care about how hunger hurts, he still wanted something that tastes good if he were to eat.

Connor heard a grumble of disapproval from the other end of the room after the opening of a lunch bag. Another loner? He sat up and found that it was still only Evan and him. Not exactly surprising. The tense silence caused a clench in his jaw and a tapping foot in anticipation of what to say.

“You’re Evan right?”

“Y-yeah.. Connor Murphy?”

Connor nodded as he met Evans eyes as the kid threw them downwards to the floor.

_Of course he knows who you are. You’re the batshit crazy kid of the high school._

“You’re in my last class right?”

“Senior Y-year English?”

“Yeah..”

“Y-yeah..”

Connor nodded and cleared his throat. Leaning back in his chair and glancing over at Evan.

“So. Um what happened to your arm?”

Evan looked up and raised his eyebrows, as if he was questioning if Connor was actually talking to him, again, and without killing him. He nodded towards Evan as if to confirm before hiding an amused smirk under his normal scowl.

“Oh I um... I fell out of a t-tree…actually”

Connor stared at the kid and almost had a little laughing fit. Biting his inner cheek to compose his assholish instinct and letting out a small laugh, running his hand through his hair and letting a blank grin cover his lips.

“Fell out of a tree.. Well, That is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, oh my god.”

Evan smiled slightly, but it seemed to have some sadness hidden behind it, looking down at the stiff arm. Which meant Connor immediately felt like a dick.

_Jesus Christ stop talking to the poor kid._

“I know..”

Connor itched the back of his neck. Looking over Evan again and his eyes catching the blank canvas of the cast. Normally Connor wouldn't care about an empty cast, but he felt like Evan had a particularly hard time getting people to sign it and the Murphy sibling knew how it felt when you’re invisible.

“Um, no one's... um signed your cast..”

“N-No I know..”

“Well, I'll sign it.”

“ Oh. You.. You don't have to..”

“Do you have a sharpie?”

Evan scrambled to dig it out from his pocket. Standing and walking cautiously over to Connor and handing him the sharpie. Connor, not exactly paying attention to anything other than Evan’s kinda unique quirks, accidentally was a bit rough with his arm.

“Ow.”

“Oh..”

_You always fuck everything up. Third time hurting this kid today. Are we gonna need a tally?_

Wincing and feeling a rush of guilt, Connor now gently moved the arm and scrawled his name over the white canvas with a small 7 digit number written on top for Evan to see easier. Capping the pen and handing it back.

“Oh great.. Thanks.”

_He hates it._

“Yeah. Well, now we can both pretend that we have friends. Have a few extra numbers in our phones in case the parents ask..”

“That's.. a good point.”

Connor took a breath and heard the small thanks from Evan as he went back to his seat. That wasn’t so bad. Maybe there wouldn’t be pretending anymore?

_Right. Hah. As if. Evan is probably going to go tell everyone how crazy you are. How your gay ass couldn’t stop looking at him and trying to interact with him._

Connor packed up and went to leave the room. Hearing a quiet few mumbles and looked at the only other person in the room.

“What?”

“O-oh. Just U-um. Stay s-safe.”

Connor narrowed his eyes slightly and clenched his jaw before letting out a puff of air.

“Uh...Thanks.. you too?”

He noticed the small, brighter, happier change in Evan’s soft brown eyes before he made his way to the next meaningless class and the few stutters of Evan’s made it a little more bearable.


	2. Chapter 2

Unknown Number: Is this Connor?

conman: who the fuck is this

Unknown Number: Evan...from the computer lab.. You signed my cast.

conman: oh sorry.

 evan: Did you give me your number since you need help with our english class?

conman: uh no i dont give a fuck about that class

evan: Then why are you talking to me?

evan: I’m sorry that was rude.

evan: I mean I dont like not talking to you.

evan: Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that

 

_He definitely meant it that way. Who would want to talk to you?_

 

conman: jesus evan youre fine i thought that normally when people sign things they put their number. pretty standard thing to do. right?

evan: Yeah sure. Well like you said, now we can pretend we have friends.

conman: exactly

This kid was going to be the death of him. Attempting to apologize and now texting? Connor wasn’t even high in the computer lab when he tried to be better, though if he had been blazed there probably wouldn’t have been as many cringe worthy awkward moments. Due to the joint in his hand, as he sat on the park table, he barely felt the self-hate from Evan’s little slip-up and had the rare ability to shrug it off. Though Connor knew the high would eventually end, and with it, safety from his thoughts would recede as well. Thinking over the abundantly eventful day, he began to think deeper into what it meant to have someone that he actually talked to. In the computer lab, he had rushed out from the first healthy interaction with someone in years from pure fear, though he barely analyzed to the last few words Evan had said to him. Stay safe. Connor could definitely say that was a new thing. He could use someone to care about him, though he barely had a minute to think about the possibility of that before that little accurate voice in the back of his head spoke up again.

 

_God, what kind of pathetic mess are you?! Evan Hansen tells you to stay safe and you all of a sudden feel like he’s the answer to all of your problems? Get a fucking life._

 

Connor grimaced from the inner monolog and took a breath, whipping out his phone again.

 

conman: what the fuck did you mean when you said stay safe

 

He felt frustration as he waited for the answer. Connor wouldn't be surprised if Evan texted back a simple “Oh I don't know, maybe because I wasn’t too fond of the idea of you killing me when you go crazy again.”

With a buzz, Connor looked down at the phone in his palm and knitted his eyebrows together in frustration. The answer was too innocent.

 

evan: Isn’t that a normal thing for people to do?

conman: uh no normally its like have a good day or smth

evan: Oh. I mean I dont know.

evan: It just slipped out.

evan: I mean like I still meant it. I didn’t just say that to say it. I meant I wanted you to stay safe.

evan: shouldnt everyone have someone want them to stay safe

evan: sorry. tha came out wrong. I’m not saying that youdont have someone but like i don’t know.

 

_Wow! He’s almost as pathetic as you. Probably just wants to be on your good side, Though how could the stressed out mess be on anyone's bad side. He apologizes for everything._

 

conman: but why me. im crazy connor murphy and my big thing is that i specifically dont stay safe.

evan: I said everyone right? Not just everyone excluding you.

evan: Sorry that was rude.

conman: wtf why though

evan: because you are a human?? What else.

conman: but of all things, why “stay safe” I mean it's not like I'm gonna go kill myself when i get home.

evan: NONo I didnt mena it like that!

conman: i think there was that underlying meaning

evan: no! I swear I didn't mean it like that, but like if you take it that way then…

conman: then…

evan: then I guess that says something about you when that's the first thing your brain jumps to is the possibility of suicide.

evan: jesus sorry this is getting bad. Not like you're suicidal or anything it's just like stay safe felt right and I didn't know what else to say and I don't know I just didn't want to like not say bye or not say anythg to the only person who'll sign my cast.

 

conman: i am

evan: what?

conman: suicidal.

conman: you made an accurate guess.

conman: i mean what you are saying makes sense.

 

**20 minutes later**

conman: hansen? u therr?

conman: was that kinda a big bomb to drop? i thought it was widely known that i try to die in the daily.

 

**12 minutes later**

conman: r u okay?

conman: hey hansen wjat the fuck are you okay?!

 

_Jesus Christ the kid is probably having a heart attack when you just casually mention killing yourself. Have a heart._

 

evan: yeah im okkay I'm sorry just kinda got busy

 

_Bullshit._

 

evan: Are you okay? I mean isn't it kinda hard to talk about that for you? It is for me.

 

_What the fuck does he mean “it is for him”_

 

conman: one, what the fuck did you mean by that and two, no it isn't hard for me because literally everyone knows i wanna die. really only kids that are suicidal freaks dress like this.

 

**7 minutes later**

evan: i guess..

conman: what did you mean by it is for you.

evan: uh what?

conman: it's not like you misheard me.

evan: Oh right sorry.. I mean like suicide is a sensitive topic for a lot of people. Not just people that are suicidal you know so it's hard for a lot of people to talk about it. Not just the “freaks"

conman: sure..

 

That kid was weird with words. Connor had a little voice in the back of his mind as he sat on the bench table. Staring at his phone, rereading the texts in potent curiosity.

 

_Aw look all the suicidal freaks are creating a fun group! You guys should make a t-shirt._

 

Evan isn't suicidal. He can't be. He wears khakis for gods sake. That's such a hopeful color. Connor shook off the thoughts, gritting his teeth and taking the small remnant of the joint and tossing it to the ground before standing and shouldered his bag onto his tall frame, stalking across the park to his car. Getting in and slamming the door. Now in a particular shitty mood since everything was pointing to the fact that Evan Hansen had been implying that hey, he wants to die too. And that's really shitty because it's fucking

Evan Hansen. That kid doesn't deserve to want to die. He probably has great grades. And he probably has an awesome pair of parents that care about everything.

 

_If he has all that, he doesn't have the right to be suicid-_

 

Connor stopped himself right there. No way. There was no way he was going to think about Evan the way fucking Larry thought about him. Taking a breath, Connor starts up his car, dreading pulling into his own driveway, though he still did about ten minutes later. As Connor grabbed the messenger bag from his passenger seat, his head raced a million miles a minute as he tried to make sense of all of the implications in that short text conversation plus the real life one. Stumbling out and shoving the door closed as he pulled his sleeves down to hide away. Connor moved to the door, staring at it in anticipation of yelling and screaming. He could turn back now.

 

_You should. It isn't like they'd care._

 

Placing his hand on the knob gingerly before turning and opening the door slowly and stepping inside. He wasn't in the mood to fight with his parents or Zoe. He was just so tired. Connor wasn't used to interacting with anyone in a positive way so it was a new emotion. Mentally, emotionally and physically, the exhaustion seeped into his bones, eyes, and back like water to a sponge. Unzipping his black boots and kicking them off towards the corner where the shoes were supposed to be placed before moving towards the stairs to slink up to his safe room silently, hoping that Larry wasn't anywhere near the house as Connor bit the inside of his cheek in stress of interaction.

 

_No fights. No fights. No fights._

 

“Connor?”

He froze and clenched his jaw, he had been halfway there. 

“Yes mom?”

“Did you smoke today?”

“Yes.” Connor bristled, Closing his eyes and taking a breath before gritting out an innocent response with just the right amount of passive aggressiveness lacing the syllables, like a threatening trace of poison graced his tongue. Speaking before he reopening his eyes and walked towards the kitchen. Preparing for a fight, though really truly not having the means to be ready at all.

“Could you be a sweetheart and go take a shower? I just cleaned the house and it would smell nicer in your room.”

Connor stayed frozen to his spot in the entryway, narrowing his eyes at the kitchen entrance, feeling cautious to even creep forward for the fear that Larry would jump in his way and sour his day even further or make this interaction tainted with his hurtful words.

“Where's Dad..?”

“He had to stay at work a little longer than normal. He’ll be back in about an hour. He had a meeting. Why?”

Connor visibly relaxed and felt his tense shoulders drop.

“I just…. didn't want to fight tonight.”

Silence. You could hear a pin drop for a moment.

“I know honey. You know we all don't like fighting..."

More pin drop worthy silence.

"Anyways dinner will be ready in an hour or so…”

Connor nodded, his crossed arms falling as he walked through the hall to stand in the large kitchens entryway. Looking at the back of his mother's head quizzically and feeling his heart race in anticipation of the civility of the household to break like a old rubber band and shift back into the normal hostile way this family was.

 

_And it’s all your fucking fault. Why can’t you just be fucking normal._

 

Before he left the kitchen to go and take a shower, already craving another smoke, he was pulled back by his mother's voice again, laced with hope and slight worry.

“Thank you for going to school today. It's not like I don't notice when you try. Did you stay for the whole day? I haven't gotten any calls yet..”

Connor stared at her for a second before looking away, sheepishly crossing his arms.

“Uh yeah. I..I um just left at the last hour..”

He noticed how her shoulders fell slightly and he swallowed.

“Because there was a pep rally for a football game.. a beginning of the year football game and I just don't go to those. You know…?”

He looked up to her and saw her practically beaming as she turned around from cooking dinner. Averting his eyes from her intense ones. Tightening his arms around him to cut him off from any possibility of hugs.

 

_You know you fuck up on the daily when simply staying at school makes her light up like a christmas tree._

 

“You stayed for all of your classes?”

“Uh.. yeah.” He let his eyes fall down further and fix on a detail in the glossy tile floor as he let his shoulders stay slumped.

“That's great honey! Now go upstairs and take a shower. You can also collect your laundry and do that.”

Jesus. Did she think now he was the Connor before the depression makes it unbearable to move from a certain spot in your bed. It’s not like now that he tried he's fine all over again. Though he hated seeing hope leave people’s eyes so he just took a shuddering breath and ran a hand up his arm.

“Uh. Okay.”

He moved to back away and turned to walk up the stairs to his room. Shuddering from the unfamiliarity of an actual normal conversation between him and his mother which caused him to feel sort of better about everything. Nice when things choose to go right. Funny that that only happens when Larry is gone. Dropping his stuff on his bed and pulling off his hoodie, Connor threw it in his new laundry pile of varying shades of grey, his mom had been in here and tidied obviously from the lack of scattered clothes on the wood flooring. 

 

Connor grabbed a pair of his black sweatpants and a different, dark grey, clean sweatshirt to change into before walking into the bathroom and turning the water on almost scalding hot before stripping his clothes and throwing it in the basket. Slipping into the shower and just standing there for a while before lumbering down to a sitting position, letting the spray beat against his hair in a messy pattern. Normally if he had a terrible day or week that was just his normal depression with extra self-hate thoughts he'd sit under the spray and just stay there for what felt like hours before Zoe beat on the door and told him to fucking get out of the bathroom, but right now he couldn’t stop thinking about a possibility of hope in his near future, though it hurt to even feel the thought cross his mind due to being let down so many times before. Connor subconsciously ran his fingers over the scars on his inner forearms and closed his eyes. Thinking about the very eventful, but maybe not terrible day.

 

He wasn’t ready to have someone to be an acquaintance or even a _friend_.

 

_The only F-word you never say._

 

It’s like his loneliness is his main problem and he wants to get rid of it, but also wanted to keep the sense of safety with the concrete knowledge that he was a crazy loner that everyone was afraid of. There was a fucked up comfort in the way that he had security with his normal everyday self-hate mantra.

 

Connor finally moved to get up, his limbs aching from the heat and the stiffness of the position he had been in. Washing his hair so it wasn’t terrible the next day and even taking care of the rest of his body. It felt sort of nice to actually shower and he savored it, knowing that right when he will lower his guard there’d be another wall of pain just waiting to be ran into.

 

Connor took a breath and turned off the hot water before stepping out and drying himself down. Slipping on his clean smelling clothes and actually towel drying his hair. Not having much to do, and he got a break from his depression so go figure, might as well take care of yourself while you can. Connor moved to place his hand on the knob but felt his whole body flinch and tense as he heard a certain person arrive at their house. He steeled himself and felt the walls shoot right back up as all feelings of hope and possible enjoyment were replaced by hostility and frustration.

 

_Fucking Larry._

 

The only pro to this, was the fact that Connor and his issues had a common enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont like larry. has anyone noticed. he is the only DEH character i cannot defend.
> 
> thank you for reading as always! please leave constructive criticism and possibly some love? we all need more of that with how crazy the world is. xo
> 
> (also give me pointers on writing angry connor. i am very good at writing sad people in depression but anger is much harder for me.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heed story warnings

Connor had been able to resist slamming doors from the upstairs bathroom to his room after the much-needed shower. Normally he would already be in his room, either reading or drawing and would be able to breathe a little bit before his day imploded if it hadn't already. Larry would always be in his office when he would get home from school so Connor was normally able to sneak past the closed door and into his room. Connor holding down the tension that would be growing exponentially while creeping up his spine and tightening like a metal vice.  
  
He had cleaned up his stuff from the bathroom, trying to make it seem as if he had never touched the tile. Connor even turned on the fan so no one would get mad that it was humid and warm in the bathroom. He could hear Larry's annoyed and annoying deep voice now, yelling at him for failing to flip a switch.

  
Though when you get yelled at, for one thing, all of your other shortcomings are brought up. All of your hidden insecurities get poked and prodded at like a bleach white mouse being tested for side effects from an old but nasty poison. Their house would slowly rise into a symphony of screams when Connor would get fed up. Connor would release the leash around his tongue. Letting all of his frustrations from the day pour out as toxic words from his equally toxic brain. The monster clawing at his esophagus until he screamed at Zoe or his mother for not doing anything about whatever new problem there was. Yelling at them for support but normally getting the opposite. Connor would cause Zoe and Cynthia to flinch at his brash and cracking voice which overflowed with helplessness and frustration and pain. Although to them, he just sounded angry. That assumption from their end made everything so much worse on his. It always made him feel so alone.

  
Opening his window, Connor allowed his musty room to air out from being closed off almost all day and taking a deep breath. Looking down at his bruised and scabbed knuckles from a few nights before when he could only push his pain into anger, and then his anger into his fists, and then inevitably push his fists into the wall. Connor studied the bruises. They were almost pretty. Like a morbid beautiful watercolor painting. A few cuts on the joints were an enraged crimson red as the violet tint deepened around the bone under his fragile pale skin. Connor could feel his mind trying to distract himself from what he stressed over every night as he studied the markings on his hands.   
The yelling. The exhausting anger. Like he had told his mom, he didn't want to fight today. Maybe today she'd defend him. 

_Pft. Why would she defend garbage from being thrown out to the curb? Also, why haven't they kicked you out to that specific curb? I bet they are waiting until you try to die again, succeed, and can finally breathe._

  
Connor felt his scars itch. Involuntarily glancing over to his bedside table by reflex. Grimacing and looking away. He would cope with just a rubber band for now.   
Hearing his parents talking in the kitchen, Connor walked to his bookshelf near the door and scoured the titles for The Little Prince but the worn out book was missing from its usual spot. Looking around his room for it and clenching his jaw as he felt the panic rise up in his chest.   
That book meant so much to him. Zoe had given him that for his 10th birthday along with a few other books, though The Little Prince was the only story Connor truly loved.

Now the book was distressed. Paper feeling like soft fabric from the over usage. Dog-eared pages every once in awhile and scribbles in the margins. A cute scratchy 8-year-old Zoe signature in the top corner of the cover, telling him to have a good birthday and that she loved him.   
Thinking through when he had last read it, it suddenly occurred to him. This morning the book was left on the dinner table in a scramble to get away from his family.   
Even though it was plainly obvious that his parents were fighting or that someone was upset about something, Connor needed that book somewhere he knew was safe. Biting his inner lip until it would be raw later, He opened his door and moved silently down the hallway and to the kitchen. Walking with purpose, though wanting to hide so he didn't start anything ahead of time so his shoulders slouched and he hid his thin frame in the large sweatshirt.

  
His mother was cooking on the stove top and making a new type of dish. At least it didn't smell like the weird gluten free lasagna a few nights ago.   
His father was, of course, sitting at the dining table and typing out emails aggressively. Must have been a bad meeting. Not like Connor cared. 

"Cynthia, I am telling you. I don't get why we even have meetings anymore. Jeff just rants for half of it about stuff that was in the email earlier that week."

"I'm sure he just lost focus, Larry. Don't be so hard on him. He is a big head shed CEO now you know." 

"Maybe. Doesn't mean I like it." 

Connor saw the dusty yellow cover on the counter and walked over, grabbing it and turning to walk away. 

"Honey, did you shower?" 

He felt his body tense and move to become static. Nodding as he turned to look at her hopeful, though tired face. 

"Make sure you don't forget about the laundry." 

"Laundry?" 

"Yes.He seemed up for the task earlier." 

"If only he'd be up to the task to try in school." 

"Larry."

"No. Cynthia.." 

Connor felt his throat constrict in anger and clenched his fist, though left his right hand, which was holding the delicate paperback, remained limp. 

"Larry, just drop it. Little by little, Right Connor?" 

Connor moved from glaring daggers at Larry's back to softening his gaze when he looked over to her. Nodding minutely and turning to walk away.   
_Little by Little. Sure._ _  
_

Walking out of their sight, though stopping in his tracks when he heard the voices behind him.

"You need to stop babying him, Cynthia." 

"I am not. We all know that He needs a break." 

"You coddle him! Connor should be doing his own laundry once a week. Connor should be making sure his room didn't smell like drugs. He should have straight A's and excel at school like he did in elementary..." 

Connor felt himself grow smaller and shrink into himself more as he zoned out. 

_Worthless_ . 

Closing his eyes, gritting his teeth and opening them to see Zoe coming down the hallway. His father still droning on about all that Connor should be as his sister looked bewildered to see that he didn't smell like weed before shrugging past him, muttering over her shoulder. 

"You know that he's right." 

That stung.   
That caused his right hand to tighten around the weak bundle of paper in his hand. 

_Worthless._   
_Useless._   
_Unimportant._   
_Alone._

He was all of those things because Larry was right. Connor did nothing. Connor accomplished nothing other than experimenting new ways to piss Zoe off or new ways to get a stronger high.  
Stumbling through the haze in his brain, he made it up to his room and slammed the door shut. Sinking down against it and clutching the book in his hands. Fingers trembling as he read the first few lines.   
Connor made it a bit down the page before the book started to fail in distracting him. 

_Worthless._   
_Useless._   
_Unimportant._   
_Alone._

Beginning to read aloud to distract himself from how itchy his forearms were. Voice trembling as he felt unshed tears dry up.

"B-but [a grown-up] would always answer, “That’s a hat.” Then I wouldn’t talk about boa constrictors or jungles or stars. I would put myself on his level and talk about bridge and golf and politics and neckties." 

_Worthless._   
_Useless._   
_Unimportant._   
_Alone._

Connor felt the angry tears return. Why couldn't he have just never been born? Then his mother and Larry would have everything they ever wanted.

_Worthless._   
_Useless._   
_Unimportant._   
_Alone._   
_'You know that he's right.'_

Connor closed the book and pulled his knees up to his chest. He buried his face into his knees before lifting his head. Feeling more self-hatred than any anger and feeling his eyes drift to his bedside table. Connor had set a goal to not cut today. It was a goal he thought he could accomplish. Obviously, he couldn't handle that either.  
****

**_Burden._ **

As Connor touched the blade to his skin, he bit his lip. Tears were falling and blurred his vision as he saw red.  
_________ 

Called down for dinner a few hours later, He winced at the stinging as he pulled his sleeves down after moving to sit up from his bed. At least now Connor was able to breathe again.   
Gripping the cuffs of the sweatshirt as he stood, he moves to open the door and walked from his room down to the dining table. Numb to all talking and anything else, Connor ate a tiny fraction of his meal. Way less than he actually needed to function but it'd work for now.   
Connor heard his name at the dinner table, though he didn't respond other than nonchalant answers to anything they asked. Just feeling all eyes on him. Connor still felt like someone was looking at him, Glancing upwards to see Zoe peering at him a few minutes later. The actual concern in her eyes was unsettling. 

_Alone._   
_Alone._   
_Alone._   
_She **doesn't** care._

He dismissed himself from the table with a mumble and walked up to his room, ignoring the obviously angry Larry. Connor always felt like this after he cut. Numb and tired and empty. Though that was just because he took all of his anger and pain and loneliness out on his wrists and inner arm. Sometimes his thighs if his two arms were already cut up. Connor buried himself in the hoodie and left his window open. Letting the fresh air flow in and causing him to breathe a little easier.

Connor turned on a bluesy and calming playlist on his phone with mixes of John Mayer, Adele, and Jasmine Thompson. Letting himself get lost in the words instead of his own brain as he drifted off to sleep, hugging himself because no one else would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow okay that was a ride. please give me pointers on writing angry connor.  
> thank you all for reading, make sure you heed my content warnings also.  
> stay safe lovelies. xo


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lmAO beginning of pining connor here WE GOOO

The morning had been like any other with Zoe just passively pleading for Connor to have an outburst. Of course, he was still regaining energy from his little fiasco last night, so Con wasn’t exactly at his full regular capacity of go-fuck-yourself in the morning mood. Since he was so drained from the emotions poured out through his tears and blood last night, he didn't really feel any if the jabs at his insecurities. Didn’t even fight the voices telling him he was worthless, just agreed.

At least he ate breakfast.

Connor didn't even put up a fight against going to school. Although, it could be argued he didn't resist school because that possibly meant that maybe he'd get to talk to Evan. The only kid he’d had a positive interaction with in years.

Hell. The only person.

Though...it has only been twice… and the first interaction wasn’t exactly positive.

_Yeah. You know how first impressions matter? He probably thinks you are another kid that laughs at his stuttering._

Although Connor didn't know a lot about Evan, he knew he hung out with Jared Kleinman. Which seemed out of character for him, though who was he to judge, they were both the freaks of the school. At least the poor kid had someone that talked to him.

While getting the ride to school from Zoe, Connor found himself staring out of the window with a trained scowl. Scrunching his eyebrows together and squeezing his eyes shut, Connor crossed his ankles with the back combat boots and black skinny jeans tucked into the top. Pulling his arms closer to his chest with the gray sweatshirt draped over his body, flinching when the bandages over his wrists were pushed on. Looking away from the asphalt racing past the window and catching Zoe studying him momentarily before she casually redirected her full attention to the road.

Connor simply huffed and pulled his hood over his head, keeping his eyes on her with a glare before he was sure he wasn’t being scrutinized. His messy hair spilling out from the opening and around his neck, causing him to fiddle with the vast amount of ratty tangles and split ends as a distraction. From the corner of his eye, the brick red of the high school loomed over the parking lot and caused Connor to grimace like he was in pain, though who's to say he wasn’t in pain. Zoe parked and once the older Honda stopped, he swung open the door with a huff. Clumsily climbing out and grabbing his messenger bag, slinging it over his shoulder and shoving his hands in his jean pockets.

Connor stalked towards the school with long strides and appeared less intimidating to others with his newly washed, and subsequently fluffy, hair framing his angular face and sharp blue eyes. His poofy warm brown strands doing little to tone down all of the other characteristics that caused his disheartening appearance. The bags under his irises a deep purple, giving an appearance the opposite of health and causing his face to look even more shadowy and eerie with the overcast from his hood. The scowl on his lips showed that he did not want to be near this hellish establishment and jaw clenched constantly. His hood tugged as low as possible and almost covering the glacier eyes that darted from face to face with the hope that it would cause people to stop looking at him.

Connor glanced over in the hallway to see Evan standing next to the ugly gray lockers, fingers fidgeting with his backpack strap, his back turned to him in the hallway and stuttering out a response to Jared who looked the epitome of bored with their conversation. The boredom was even more apparent when he lit up when he saw Connor, looking for someone to entertain him.

“Hey Connor! So, how was the first day? Other than, you know, your normal angsty suicidal… whatever?”

“What?” Connor inquired with venom lacing his voice, eyes narrowing as he stopped a good three yards from the two. Eyes flickering over to see Evan whip his head around to see Connor standing there with a defensive stance. Holding back a smirk when he saw Evan look back to Jared, obviously trying to devise a plan to get them to diffuse the situation, though not finding an easy solution which was apparent in the panic in his gentle eyes.

“I said how was your first day? What, are you deaf too?” Jared drew out words without any pauses like he had practiced them in the mirror.

Connor tensed his jaw muscle and shook his head, scoffing and looking forwards. He didn’t have time for this asshole, he decided, before moving to march past the two shorter boys. Feeling Evan’s eyes pinned to his back as Connor ducked his head down. 

“What the hell? Hey, Connor do you need me to sign it fo-”

“S-shut up, he probably… Connor probably just had a bad morning..I-leave him alone.”

He slowed a bit in surprise at hearing Evan’s defensive stuttering, almost full on stopping and having a freak-out. What the hell just happened. Behind Connor, Jared turned to stare at Evan like he had a third arm. 

“He isn't..- He isn’t that bad Jared.”

“Yeah right. Whatever. See you later Ev..”

Glancing over his shoulder to see Evan staring at his back as Jared walked away from his locker. Evan caught Connor’s eyes, raising his eyebrows as his face flushed red. Also, red, not pink. Connor could probably spot that intense flush of color a mile away. Whipping his head forward again as he walked to his first class. Replaying Evan’s defensiveness in his head and feeling a bit better. Someone had defended him. Someone cared enough to speak up. Maybe not the most confident, but someone spoke in his favor.

_You sure? Maybe he just didn’t want you to shove him again._

That was a helluva good point, wasn’t it?

Connor regained his defensive demeanor before sitting his way through the first class. Unable to even try and nap as he stared at the numbers being worked on the board. Trying to make sense of the newest equation and why this even matters.

_What the fuck does slope have to do with shit that matters? Like mental health?_

He could go off on the school board for hours on how the sex education was only useful for heterosexuals.

He could go off on the school board for how they teach nothing about mental health and how to deal with wanting to die.

Connor wanted to learn how to deal with kids that told him to slit his wrists in the bathtub.

Connor wanted to know how to stop his wrists from burning whenever he is told to go die in a ditch.

Connor wanted to know how the fuck gay people have sex because he would’ve loved to know that when he needed it the most a few months ago after getting high at that party because he had no idea what he was doing.

Connor wanted to know the shit that society deemed inappropriate though straight old white men set the standard while they aren't the majority.

Connor thought it was bullshit that they don’t teach you how to deal with depression even though tons of teenagers deal with once in their lives.

Connor thought it was bullshit that they deem heterosexual sensual sex less vulgar than homosexual sensual sex.

Like he brought up earlier, Connor could go off on the school board about how they made him feel when he learned about sex in 8th grade.

He felt like such a creep because he had no interest in having sex with girls. No interest in even kissing girls, though he felt his face grow warm when he looked at a cute boy that looked right back at him with a smile. Connor felt like he was the only kid who felt that way. Connor felt like a freak. A monster.

_Whatever._

Connor had worked himself up into a fuming mess, glaring at the whiteboard at the front of the classroom.

If he had laser vision, that whiteboard would be in pieces melting on the ground, the plastic coating seeping into the gross multicolored carpet. Thinking of that definitely brought him some pleasure before he got up to leave with the rest of the students. This time, he actually skipped his second class. Instead, he slipped into his art teacher's classroom an hour early and blended in with the younger class, enabling his time to be spent for the next two hours drawing and practicing his skills in drawing clothes and the folds in them, studying his arm with the huge sleeve draped over it as a model. Looking over his sweater and practicing it a few times over until he was satisfied with it. He would’ve taken off the jacket if his arms weren't so cut up from the night before.

Resting his arms under his head when he slouched forward onto the desk, pushing his sketches in front of him and gluing his eyes to the instructor, showing the juniors how to blend properly with watercolor paints. Connor didn't exactly like painting, thought he was terrible at it. It just was frustrating since, if you mess up, there was no erasing. So pencil drawings were much more practical to him but he was always drawn in by the watery pigment, washing gorgeous colors over the white paper. He watched the mesmerizing brushstrokes that his professor made and slowly drifted off to sleep. Calming music playing in his earbuds and sweaters wrapped around him like a protective encasing.

____________

He jolted awake with a hand shaking his shoulder gently. Connors earbuds having already fallen out and his head whipping around, immediately bristling though he calmed when his eyes met the teachers.

“Connor, lunch started a few minutes ago...start to get more sleep at home, okay?”

Connor nodded and shrugged, it was always tough to get pissed with the only professor that was non-judgemental.

Mr. Johnston mirrored Connor’s nod, patting his shoulder and smiling a comforting smile. The senior looked up at the clock and felt his hopes for the day fall. It was ten minutes into lunch.

Evan had probably already left the computer room.

Scrambling to get up, shoving his notebook and supplies into his messenger bag, getting up to leave and stepping out the door.

Connor strode quickly to the computer lab across the school and into the room. His heart fell as he skimmed over the empty chairs, though feeling a tug of hope as his eyes fell on the cheap Jansport backpack slouched against the same computer that Evan had sat at the day before. Connor makes his way to his usual computer, a couple monitors down the row of screens.

Connor took out The Little Prince and began to read, ignoring the reminder of the events last night and taking comfort in the familiarity of the words he knew so well. Though he wanted to read, he also wanted to sleep and that took priority. Constantly being tired was a talent of Connor’s that he takes advantage of whenever.

______

Connor was jarred awake by a hand patting his shoulder forearm. Pain shooting up the limb and causing him to flinch away from the touch and groan, moving his hand to cover up that arm. Looking up and pushing his hair back, Connor began to ready a biting response, though his eyes caught soft brown ones framed by a flush of pink and he faltered for words.

“H-hey Connor. Uh I’m.. I’m sorry for waking you- you up. J-just we have the English c-class and I didn’t know if you… If you wanted to skip i-it so.. sorry if I woke you up an-and you were planning on skipping. I-i mean I hope that you got enough sl-sleep… Um B-but are you going t-to go to the english cl-class? I-i heard there w-was a new assign-assignment today from Alana..”

Evan trailed off, looking everywhere but Connor’s face and fiddled with the end of his cast and the bottom hem of his darker blue polo shirt. He ended up just staring at Evan incredulously, causing the honey blonde's face to flush at the scrutiny.

“You talk really fucking fast.”

“O-oh. I-i.. Uh yeah So-sorry.. Its a-a old habit y-you know? Sorry..”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Sorry. Um I-i mean… Just… I-i feel bad for w-waking you up..”

Connor raised an eyebrow and stared up at Evan who hesitantly met his eyes. Evan who bit his lip and shied away from any gaze.

“Well… Anyways.. Should I even go to class? Yesterday was just a waste of time.”

Evan let out a nervous breath of air, which might have been meant to be a casual chuckle.

“Y-yeah…”

Connor let the left side of his face quirk up in a smirk and grabbed the book, closing it and slipping it into his messenger bag.

“Yeah whatever I’ll go to class. It’ll appease my parents..”

Evan nodded and adjusted the backpack strap on his shoulder. Soft, though tired and panicked, brown eyes darting around the room. Seemingly indecisive as to walk away or stay so he can walk with Connor to their common class. Was Connor that much of a freak that Evan couldn’t decide on if he wanted to be seen with him?

“Unless you care what assholes think, we can walk to class together you know..”

Connor spoke with annoyance, raising an eyebrow and letting his annoyance plainly show. Evan’s eyes darted to Connors and he nodded before looking down and anywhere but at Connor. Now wringing his hands over the blue polo and swallowing. The moment seemed to slow as Connor was able to take in the other boy's appearance. Eyes flicking over a tired face with bags under his eyes that seemed to be camouflaged by the subtle freckles. Did Evan always have such caring eyes? He didn’t notice them as much yesterday.

_Wow, you are so gay._

Connor's eyes drifted down and over the subtle muscle in Evan’s upper body.

_Dude you are literally body-checking him. Ew. Stop._

Connor took a breath and clenched his jaw, feeling his face heat up mildly at this realization and whipping his head away. Slinging his bag over his shoulder and demanding his achy lanky body to stand. Connor made sure he grabbed all of his belongings and not bothering to push in his chair. Turning to find Evan looking up at him like he was a giant. Connor looked down at Evan, an amused smirk on his lips and cocking an eyebrow causing the other boy to blush and clear his throat. Turning to scurry out of the room with short quick steps while Connor simply strode next to him. The two walking side by side, Connors hands in his sweatshirt pocket and Evan’s fiddling with his shirt as they walked through a few turns of the hallway before making their way to the classroom. Connor took an annoyed breath at the sight of it, moving forward a bit to open the door for Evan, the other boy stuttering a blushing thank you before slipping into the door. It was obvious that Evan always tried to blend in, but with Connor Murphy holding the door open for you, it was hard not to stare. The anxious boy made his way to the back corner and sat down. His knee jumping as he looked out of the window to calm himself down. Connor plopped down a bit away from him and studied him.

_How have you not noticed him before?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, i really like this chapter. please leave comments if you see grammatical errors. it is midnight for me so i am dead. goodnight lovelies, hope you enjoyed this chapter. stay safe, xo


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hell yeah im updating before midnight. enjoy

Connor was resting his arms and head on the desk in pure boredom as he listened to the English teacher ramble on with a monotone voice. Eyes drooping, he lazily looked around at the students that slumped at their generic desk/chair hybrids. Seeing different variations of bored faces, pens doodling in the margins of notebooks and fidgeting or nail-biting. Connor raised his hands to scrutinize the progress with his own nails. Normal length and smooth with chipping black matte nail polish, scars riddling the cuticles and tips of his fingers from when he’d pick at the flesh until they bled around his bitten-to-nothing nubs of nails. Now if you asked Connor one thing he liked about himself, that’d be the only thing. He could paint nails like a well-trained manicurist, avoiding the cuticles with ease. The one thing.

His eyes wandered right to the whiteboard and huffed, his eyes traveling to the boy that sat diagonally from him, body turned towards Connor to face the writing surface on the right of the square room.

Evan was jumping his knee rapidly, eyes locked onto the whiteboard with overwhelmed panic plain in his irises. Mouth in a flat frown and hands fidgeting with the hem of his polo.

_Jesus, he looks like he’s going to have a heart attack. Maybe you should be paying attention?_

Glancing over, Connor saw the layout for the new assignment, titled _Book Report._ Under it was listed that a presentation was the preferred way to get a high grade while there were other, much tougher ways to gain an A on the big project like a skit or an illustrated summary of the book.

_Oh._

_He has anxiety right?_

Glancing back over to Evan’s heavy breathing and hands clenching the shirt, most likely causing it to wrinkle under the compressed body heat and clammy hands.

_Is he okay? Jesus, he seems like he’s going to have a fucking panic attack._

Evan’s eyes glanced around and at kids he probably assumed were staring at him and caught Connor’s curious and mildly concerned stare. The shorter boy swallowing and asking quietly to go to the bathroom and almost bursting out of the classroom as quietly as humanly possible. His eyes followed the boy until he was out the door.

_Definitely thought others were staring._

Connor sat up and looked at the empty seat. Eyebrows furrowing and huffing as he felt worried for his… whatever(acquaintance?)  overpower his fuck-everything demeanor.

He stood, climbing out of the mess of his desk and hurriedly moving to get out of the room.

Escaping the stuffy room, Connor glanced to the right and down the long hallway. Spotting nothing, he whipped his head around to the left and seeing Evans generic polo and khakis disappear around the other corner.

_Evan is probably just going to the bathroom. You are acting like a creep. He is going to think you are crazy._

Connor pushed aside the thoughts, remembering his last severe attack when he had been trapped in his room. It was a few months ago, but if Evan was having a fucking panic attack he needed someone. Of course, Connor probably wasn’t the best choice for anxiety support but assumed Jared definitely didn’t know what Evan was going through since he treated Evan like shit on the sole of his shoe to the outside world.

His quick, long walking strides across the dirty tan tile evolved into a slow jog just to try and speed up and get to Evan. Pushing open the heavy bathroom door, Connor heard loud breathing and sniffles quickly get muffled in one of the stalls. Taking a deep breath, and speaking up, trying to tone down his normal harsh voice.

“Evan…you’re in here? Right?”

He heard a sharp intake of breath and then deafening silence.

“I.. I know this is probably weird.. Uh. But you seemed like you were...going through some heavy shit? I guess?”

More silence only broken by muffled sniffles.

“Sorry. This is really fucking creepy. I mean I followed you into the bathroom. I just….”

Connor heard a long shuddering breath and the tear of toilet paper, probably to mop up tears.

“You.. You uh.. Don't have to explain to me. It’s okay.”

His boots zippers clicked as he walked over to the last and largest stall, the only one that was latched closed. Knocking lightly.

“Can you unlock the door? I just… I always want someone to help me through attacks..”

“W-what? I-i…”

Evan took a pause, obviously trying to find some sort of denial that he didn’t just have a small panic attack.

“Y-you have panic A-attacks? Y-you d-don’t have a-anything to be s-scared of…”

There was a pause while Connor pushed down his anger at the statement. What was he doing trying to help this kid?

“I-I mean! I d-don’t kno-know what y-you go through b-but...s-sorry.”

“So then can you unlock the damn stall?”

“Uh..why?”

“Because it helps me when I have others with m-”

“N-no I….”

Evan paused, taking a long breath and quickly pushing out his thoughts.

“Whyareyouhelpingme...”

“Because you helped me this morning. Come on..”

Evan’s sniffles paused for a second considering Connor’s offer before reaching from behind the stall door and unlocking the cheap metal slide lock. Sliding backward to the corner again and taking a shuddering gasp of air to compose himself before being seen by someone other than his mother and Jared after a Panic attack. Evan pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face into them, leaving his eyes to look up at the door as it was gently pushed inwards. His scared and jittery eyes meeting Connor’s eyes attempting to be soft and gentle. Following the other boy's body as he moved to crouch in front of Evan.

“I notice you looked pretty freaked about an oral presentation.”

A sharp intake of breath and Evans eyes darting to the floor had Connor stumbling for words.

“Shit.. Ah yeah. I probably shouldn’t bring up the thing that caused….”

He paused and felt his thoughts whisked away from Evan looking back up with red eyes and a flushed face.

“This...Um. Do you want me to help you look like you didn't just have a panic attack so you can get back to class?”

Evan furrowed his eyebrows and frowned behind his knees. Mumbling softly.

“I-i hate presentations… M-my… I have anxiety.. I-i just… People were… st-staring..”

Connor saw Evans eyes well up slightly, having slight aftershock tears that rolled down his cheek and soaked into his khakis.

_You fucking caused this. You were fucking staring at the poor kid._

Connor felt frustration and anger towards himself well up and his fists clenched as he looked away from Evan. The other boy's eyes following Connor’s mannerisms and widening his eyes, lifting his head and worry flooding out the panic in his face.

“No! No.. you weren’t… you didn’t freak me out… uh.. Don't...”

Connor nodded, obviously not looking convinced before starting to suggest a solution.

“Well, Mr. Teacher wrote that we could choose partners right? You were worried about presenting in front of a class right?”

Evan nodded with a frown as he thought about being in front of other people.

“How about we team up and do an illustrated book review? I like drawing and I am not the worst at it? Then there will be no in front of anyone right?”

Evan’s eyes raised to look at Connor, eyes darting around and considering the option. Ending up wordlessly nodding with his body moving with a huge calming breath expanding his rib cage, lifting his head and letting an exhausted chuckle.

“M-Mr. Teacher? D-do you not know his na-name??”

Connor smirked and shrugged, admiring Evan’s chuckle and amused voice. He caused Evan to feel maybe a bit better and that in turn made his heart swell.

“‘Over here’ works well enough if I even show up.”

Evan stretched out of his ball and straightened his shirt out, nodding before moving to get up on his shaky legs. Connor stood up from the uncomfortable crouch and saw the struggle that Evan had to stand up, his body stiff, so he extended a helping hand. Hauling the brown-eyed boy up once Evan offered his trembling hand, after wiping it on his pants of course. Connor ignored the warm rush up his arm at the human contact and felt the trembling in Evan’s hand reduce slightly when Connor squeezed his hand, trying to be reassuring, before releasing his hand. Wiping any tears still drying on his face, Evan threw the tissue in the toilet and flushed the toilet. Taking a shaky breath and moving out to Connor who had walked out of the stall and to the sinks.

“Um...T-thank you, Connor...Peo-people really chalk you u-up to be a real….”

“Psychopath, serial killer… to name a couple...or an all time favorite...School shooter..”

Connor grit his teeth and scuffed his sneakers on the tile, tilting his head to the right from staring at the black marked up shoes to Evan who walked out of the dirty sharpied-up stall door. Head

bowed and a guilty frown on his face.

“I-i..I’m-”

“You didn’t call me that.. You didn’t call me a freak. Don’t feel bad. I’m used to the names.”

“You s-shouldn’t be….”

Connor fully raised his head, eyes and face the exact replica of confusion and vulnerability. For a second he looked like an innocent little kid again, all of his carefully constructed walls crumbling for a few seconds until he took a shuddering breath.

_You should be._

He looked back down at the ground quickly. Hands that were stuffed in his pockets moving to push his hair back and run a hand over his face.

“We should be getting back. Don’t want to be missing out on any important details.”

Connor moved to the door and pulled it open as he felt Evan’s eyes boring holes into the back of his head, stepping to walk out before holding it open behind him. Waiting for Evan who jumped into action, quickly walking over the dirty tile floor and thanking Connor as he stepped back into the hallway of the school. The door closing loudly behind them.

Though the silence was comfortable as they traveled back to the classroom, Connor assumed  Evan must have felt awkward since he spoke up shakily. Almost as quiet as a whisper.

“Thank y-you for coming after me..”

“Thank you for sticking up for me.”

“I m-mean of course...J-jared was being more of a-an ass then n-normal…”

Connor nodded.

“I guess we all have those days..”

They walked casually back to class, Evan with his non-stop fidgeting and Connor with his nonchalant slump. As they filed back into the class, Evan shrunk away from any other kids gaze and taking a breath as he sat back down. Connor simply plopping down and took out his phone, snapping a picture of the board with the assignment requirements, moving from his laid back position with his legs stretched out to curling up and placing his head in his arms. Evan was scribbling down notes for the criteria of the project and seemed much calmer now that he had an alternative to going up in front of the class.

Feeling a small smile come to his lips. He just helped a kid. Feeling a small vein of pride rush through him before it was quickly shot down.

_Jesus Christ. You might’ve made a friend and you automatically cannot stop thinking about him._

Connor felt his face flush and took a breath as he pushed his face into his arms. Closing his eyes behind the soft fabric and relaxing until the bell rang for the students to leave and sat up, stretching out his back and waiting until the kids had mostly escaped before moving over to Evan. Sitting on the desk next ot his.

“So just text me and we can arrange something since we won’t be able to work on it in class..”

Evan’s eyes showed slight panic though he simply nodded when Connor gave him a weird look, assuming he just didn’t like calling before adding a gentle reminder.

“Also..Just in case...if you find yourself in the bathroom again. My number is right on your arm..”

Evan nodded with a small thank you leaving his lips. Connor turning to grab his stuff and situated it like normal. Walking out of the classroom. Thinking about the possible book they could do a report on that both of the boys would like. Of course, Connor immediately jumped to The Little Prince, he found himself shaking his head. Evan probably didn’t like books that Connor liked. They’d just have to figure it out, Connor thought as he walked out of the school, skipping his last two classes and opting to go for a smoke. Hopping into his car and driving out eagerly to the closest park. He had been craving a smoke since last night so he definitely needed this.

Lighting a joint, Connor took a long drag in the large, vacant park. Feeling the smoke flow through his lungs before breathing out slowly. Watching the smoke curl out of his mouth, Connor felt himself relax at the sight.

After a few drags, Connor couldn’t help as his mind kept returning to Evan. Was he actually willing to be Connor’s friend? He didn't seem against the idea. Shaking his head, Connor allowed himself to get high off his ass, Evan’s chuckle from the bathroom replaying until he lost count of how many times he had heard that specific laugh. Unable to stop thinking that he helped someone.

_I caused that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i cannot control myself when it comes to pining connor. lemme know if this is unrealistic. i have had a panic attack over a presentation before so like ye. just gimme pointers!! Thank you SO MUCH for almost 1400 FREAKING HITS thats so insane imma cry wow. I love you all. Thank you for reading and stay safe xoxoxo.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute?? they are the biggest book nerds ever just like meee

evan: Hey I was wondering if you’d like to do the outsiders or the lord of the flies or smth like that?

conman: yeah sure. i already have a copy of the outsiders.

conman: and its a favorite so would that one work

evan: Yeah definitely. I like the outsiders too.

conman: hey how about we could work on it together after you are out of school 

evan: yeah that would work. I’m free. My mom is off working.

conman: would your house work?

evan: yeah!

Judging by that enthusiastic answer, Connor assumed that the kid was already freaking out about what he would think of Evan’s house.

conman: alright text me the address and i’ll be there at 3 okay?

Receiving the address with a confirmation a few minutes later, Connor couldn’t help but be mildly worried that he’d had another panic attack just at the thought of someone going to his house. Connor had arrived after his smoke to an empty house and made sure he didn’t smell like weed. Preventing any possible nose-wrinkling, Connor sprayed his hair down with an-almost-empty can of dry shampoo that made his hair bearable and put on some fresh smelling deodorant. Changing into distressed and ripped black jeans that his mom had bought him a while ago, Connor found it tough to admit to himself that they were his favorite jeans...that his _mom_ bought him. What kind of lame ass thinks that.

_You obviously._

Looking through his multitude of grey, black, or dark colored hoodies, Connor made sure he picked one that wouldn’t aggravate the scabs further than his itching already had earlier that day. He decided on a soft, fleece-lined zip-up forest green jacket. Throwing it on and zipping it up, Connor combed through his hair with his fingers until it was silky soft as he made a mental list of what he’d need for going over to… _a friends house?_ Though that was a miracle, Connor also couldn’t help but get caught up in the smoothness of his hair. Zoe’s stolen conditioner really did wonders.

Connor gathered two of his sketchbooks and a writing notebook that had been meant for his junior year english class that was never used, some sketching pencils and his _Outsiders_ copy. Flipping through it and looking at the notes scribbled in the margins and underlined quotes that he liked. Of course, Connor loved the protagonist and narrator, Ponyboy.

He didn’t normally cry over any book characters...recently. Those books made him too soft. Maybe a few years ago he indulged in tear-jerker books with all the cliché endings. He put a sharp end to the mushy John Green books that made his soft side too easily accessible after his first suicide attempt. The books only made him angry that he’d never have a love story like that. Again. Way too soft. Remembering the main plot in the book he held, Connor realized how much the end of _The Outsiders_ made him cry.

Connor began to read the first few pages and found himself loving the story all over again. Soon, though, he stopped himself before he got swept up into reading the whole book for a few hours over and over and flake on Evan. That’d definitely suck for whatever developing relationship they had.

He made sure he had a few hair ties and his books before shoving them in his satchel and swung it over his shoulder. Connor moved downstairs and slipped his combat boots on clumsily, almost falling over multiple times with frustrated huffs. He glanced at the clock over the front door and saw that in about fifteen minutes he’d need to leave. Shrugging to himself, He could show up early right? Just in case, Connor waited in the clunker so that he wouldn’t be too early for Evan before pulling out of the driveway and driving to Evan’s house. Every once in awhile checking his phone to make sure that he didn’t pass the address number.

Connor’s eyes spotted the digits he had familiarized himself with on his phone and pulled up to the curb. Making sure he parked straight - _ha, the opposite of his sexuality_ \- before taking the key from the ignition and tossing the keys into his bag, reaching across and grabbing it from the passenger seat before climbing out. He locked the doors on his generic low-to-the-ground high schoolers car before slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking up to the front door. Connor knocked loudly and leaned against the door frame. After about a minute, He rang the doorbell. Soon after, he heard someone on the other side of the door. Connor glancing down at the doorknob as it hesitantly clicked as it was unlocked and opened slowly.

“Hey. I came by kinda early… is that cool?” Connor inquired, tilting his head to meet eyes with Evan who nervously opened the door further.

“Y-yeah. S-sorry...I..um. It might b-be kind of dirty…” Evan stuttered out the words, worry tainting his facial features and anxiousness clouding his irises as he looked back inside the house he was welcoming Connor into, judging the appearance and letting the door swing wider so that Connor could step in without crowding the two.

Of course Evan thinking that Connor of all people would care about how the house looked was endearing, though the sight of the other boy was even more so. His darker blonde hair was ruffled out of its normal combed style and his clothes were scuffed up at the knees. Looking up from studying Evan, Connor glanced around and at the quaint home. There was a wide opening to the right where the smaller kitchen was nestled and a conjoined dining room to match.

“Uh. D-does the dining r-room table wo-work for you?”

Connor looked back to Evan and nodded, “Yeah that works.”

Evan gestured to the right of them awkwardly, causing Connor to hold back a chuckle at the charming gesture. So Connor simply nodded instead of actually showing amusement and walked into the kitchen, taking in his surroundings as he moved to sit at the table and take his books out.

Feeling eyes on him, Connor looked up with a cocked eyebrow. “Yes, Hansen?”

The other young man widened his eyes and jumped at the sound of his voice as he stood at the entrance of the dining room. Clearing his throat and slipping a small sorry before his spiel.

“Oh! Um. Yeah sorry. I-I um. I'm just g-gonna go get c-cleaned up and then I-i...I’ll be down in a few…” Evan pushed the words out a mile per millisecond and Connor found himself barely grasping at the words except for the last bit which reassured Evan’s return.

“Well, I’ll just look over what we’ll need to get done..” Connor spoke softly, trying to lessen the seriousness towards the other boy, since he was non-stop harsh normally at school, where he was the least comfortable. He met Evan’s eyes with his own and smirked slightly at the frozenness of the moment.

“W-well...K. I-i’ll just.” Evan felt his face burn with embarrassment at his static movements before turning to go and change and tidy himself up a bit. Connor able to hear him muttering to himself being stupid and ‘annoyingly awkward’ down the hallway.

Connor meanwhile had a hard time wiping that pesky smirk, which wanted to turn into a grin, off his lips as he pulled his books from his bag. He tied his hair up into a bun, making sure to tuck any flyaways into the hair tie as he opened his notebook to the first page. Writing down the notes that he had snapped a picture of in class on actual paper, Connor read over the requirements and opened _The Outsiders_. Already thinking up scenarios he could enjoy drawing as he refreshed his memory of the book he hadn’t read in so long.

He felt himself get lost in the book and read through the critical introduction of the characters, taking more intensive notes in his notebook on key details that he’d have to illustrate on paper. Connor even came to the point where he didn’t look up when Evan reentered the room. His eyes captivated by the words on the page, painting a scene behind his optic nerves.

“D-do you want any-anything to drink c-Conner? We… I-i um.. Dont normally have p-people over.. S-so I dont.. know.. um..” Connor looked up to see Evan getting himself a glass of water, hands trembling, and sat up from his hunched-over reading posture, letting his thumb be used as a bookmark. Taking an exasperated breath at the other boys timidness, Connor realized he would definitely have to get used to Evan’s anxious tics.

“Hansen, calm the fuck down, Do you have coffee?” Connor gently stated. No real fire in his words as he spoke, moving to put a pen in his book as a replacement for his thumb.

Evan nodded, walking across the kitchen to get a coffee cup from a rack above the sink, “O-oh yeah. Do you t-take it black?”

“Yeah.. You don’t have to get it for me  though..” Connor felt himself frowning as Evan poured him a cup. Evan shrugging and turning to face him with the mug in his hands, eyes looking down at the liquid.

“I-its fine. You d-dont know your way a-around.. We always have coffee on hand. S-since my m-mom takes college cl-classes and works as a nu-nurse…” Evan spoke a bit more and Connor could feel the tension slowly drain from the room and both of their voices. Slowly becoming accommodated to other people.

“She sounds busy..”

Evan nodded as he walked over, placing the coffee cup next to Connor’s notebook and shrugging.

“Y-yeah…”

There was a lapse in the conversation. Connor knee-deep in thought about the other Hansen. His eyes watching steam roll off the surface of the dark brown liquid. Looking up when Evan sat in the seat across from him, Evan’s eyes glued to him and feeling defensiveness rise up in his throat.

“What?”

“OH. I-i. Um… I’ve just never seen you wear your hair up… a-at sc-school…”

Connor narrowed his eyes, raising an eyebrow and keeping his eyes locked onto Evan’s.

_What the fuck is that supposed to mean? He probably thinks you look like shit on toast._

The other boy’s eyes darted everywhere and anywhere other than Connor, a red flush pigmenting his cheeks. Eventually, their eyes locked onto each other. Curiosity staring intensely at frazzled soft brown.

“I-its.. Um. It...looks nice? I- mean like… I mean it looks pr-pretty? Oh god. Um. Just…” Evan looked as close as a tomato as one person could get, dropping his eyes to his lap, no doubt fidgeting with a thread in his shirt to occupy his mind from his own actions. “N-nevermind. Sor-sorry. I m-made it weir-”

“Thanks.” Connor made sure to cut Evan off before the kid could rile himself up even further and in turn rile up Connor as well. His own face felt warm and he knew there was a slight flush. The words curtly rolling off his tongue but felt foreign. “Now, I was thinking that maybe we could do drawing of multiple different scenes that were major turning points in the book and you could write the captions explaining how these major events affected the characters and what the writer's purpose was?”

Connor could tell as he was talking how Evan was trying to keep his eyes off of the other boy's face due to the small and embarrassed nod and couldn’t help but bite his inner cheek to hold back any sign of amusement. Connor made sure to try and pay attention to the book, flipping to the most important plot twisting sections and writing down the page number. Evan pulling his supplies from his backpack that had been sitting next to the kitchen table. Refreshing his memory on the book like Connor had been, skimming quickly and settling into the chair as a comfortable silence fell over the dining room.

_You just wanted this because then you wouldn’t be alone. You know you didn’t need to bother Evan with your presence. Reading a book doesn’t require other people._

“Hey...C-connor.. Is that.. Is that y-your sketchbook?” Evan gestured to a leather-covered journal, the abrupt question causing Connor to jump and look up. He looked down at the leather-bound journal, nudging it towards Evan with his free hand.

“Yeah. You can look through it.. Make sure my art is any good before we pick partners.”

Connor was half joking.

Of course, he tried to keep his eyes trained on the book but looking up at Evan after the sketchbook was opened was almost unbearable. Also, the change in Evan’s face was unforgettable.

As Evan’s face shifted from curiosity to pure shock, Connor felt his face heat up. He drew almost everyone in the school and Evan was not an exception to that statement.

Connor’s face flushed with heat even more when he heard a small ‘oh my god’ leave Evan whose eyes were taking in the detail in the bored sketches. Amazed brown eyes looked up to meet his own and Evan smiled, a small action causing Connor’s stomach to flip.

“These are amazing C-connor.”

With a small mumble, he dismissed Evan’s compliment. “They really aren’t that great… just basic sketches..”

He had glanced down but then let his eyes get pulled back up, feeling his chest swell in a weird new feeling at Evan’s compliments. Then he was caught in a intense stare from Evan, whose gaze was no longer his normal anxiousness and was now close to actual anger. No. Not anger. Connor read that wrong. It was..grumpiness.

“Sh-shut up, you cra-crazy person..”

Evan’s eyes glinted in mock hostility before his face paled at what he had said. Connor clenching his jaw and trying to shake off the comment.

“I-i’m really s-sorry Connor. I-”

“It’s fine. It was a light-hearted jab. I’m fine. You don't need to walk on eggshells around me..” Connor took a silent breath, letting his breath release slowly. The carbon dioxide leaving his lungs with the tension from his body.

“You know, you-you draw me alot nicer t-than I-i actually look…” Evan quietly stated, obviously not having full faith in his statement, less confidence in these words since he was criticizing someone’s work.

“What are you talking about? I draw you just how you look.. It’s kinda hard to draw the nervousness though… maybe that’s the difference you see..”

_Maybe you just don’t see him as a freak. Like how he sees himself._

“Anyways… ” Connor looked up at the clock and felt his lungs compress. Dread filling him as the clock read _3:49._ He caught movement and saw Evan visibly hunch his shoulders when he noticed Connor’s attentiveness to the time.

“I would really rather be here, but my mom wanted me home by 4-” Connor suggested weakly.

“O-oh..okay. Yeah. Sure”

It was his new curfew since a few months ago and he hadn’t really cared up until he saw Evan’s spirits fall due to the absurd restriction.

_Fuck it._

“Hey. You know what.. Let's um.. Let's just work until we get tired of the damn book. My Mom will understand. Its for school.”

“Oh! O-oh I mean… I don't w-want you to get i-in trouble… y-you know..”

Connor couldn’t help his eyes locking onto the hope in Evan’s eyes despite the other boy's protests.

“I’ll be fine.”

Evan nodded slowly, looking back down and taking a breath. It was obvious he wanted to say something, though Connor didn’t pry. Simply nodding once and looking back down to his book.

“Thank y-you.” Evan gently spoke, looking down at his book.

“No problem, Hansen.”

_____

The two boys had migrated to the living room, taking their bags and books along to the more comfortable seating area. Connor was sprawled out on the long sofa, his left leg hanging off the side and arms close to his body due to his elbows propping up his arms on his chest to be able to read _The Outsiders_ on his back. His right leg was bent up at the knee so that he wasn’t taking up the whole couch. Though there was enough room for Evan to sit up there, the other boy instead insisted he sat on the floor, his back pressing against the bottom of the couch, knees to his chest and wrapped in a blanket. Only his head and hands poking out as he read the book.

It was about 8 PM and they hadn’t spoken for hours. Instead they agreed earlier that since they were working ahead of time and already had laid out what they were going to turn in, that it’d improve their understanding of the writer’s purpose to reread the book. After reading the book slowly over the last five hours, they both were almost done, fatigue causing them to lack any real motivation to read other than to cry at the end.

Connor would admit it in the blink of an eye. He liked spending time with someone who wanted him to be here, even if it wasn’t for who Connor was as a person. He was fine with being used as a distraction. Also, he had even texted his mom and said that he was hanging out with a friend to which his response was a disbelieving accusation from Zoe ten minutes later, no doubt being muttered about at the dinner table.

Since then, he had silenced his phone and was now dozing slightly as he got to the last few pages. Connor _obviously_ didn’t want Evan to see him shed a single tear or show any emotion so he stopped before Johnny said his iconic last words. Closing the book and placing it on his chest before letting himself relax further and sink into the sofa. Feeling the cushions cradle his body and the calmness of the moment lull him into a very light sleep, arms propping his head up behind his head.

____

Connor was shoved awake from his deep nap from a trembling hand that shook his shoulder. He grumbled low in his chest and showed his annoyance at the movement that pulled him out of his slumber through that groan. His eyes cracked open to see Evan frozen above him. Evan was leaned over the other boy and his eyes were looking above Connor’s head. Due to his sleepiness, the grouchiness was just as apparent.

“What the fuck? Evan what’re you..looking...at..” Connor’s voice faltered in realization as he followed Evan’s line of sight to his own wrists. The forest green hoodie still hid most of the damage from the night before although there were a few all too straight lines that he couldn’t pass up on an imaginary cat that the Murphy’s didn’t own.

All of a sudden, Evan’s hand on his shoulder felt like it was singeing through his clothing instead of warming the fabric. Tension was sucked right back into his body as he tore away from Evan’s eyes and hand. Connor felt his breathing become laboured as he shoved the sleeves down to his fists where he gripped the fabric. Sitting up on the couch, Connor stumbled to move and stand up, clutching the book and gritting his teeth. He knew this would happen. He knew something would go wrong.

_Stupid. Stupid. stupidstupidstupid you fucked up again._

The best words to explain Evan’s voice was that is was tight and gentle. Of course shocked but trying to cover up the surprise. “I-i… Um..,” he took a breath to compose his thoughts before speaking up again, “M-my mom stopped by.. She.. she uhm… dropped off a ch-cheese pizza if you…were..hu-hungry.” Evan trailed off, sensing the tension in Connor who stood in front of him. The tightness in his shoulders and back was palpable.

Connor could definitely feel the tension in the room and knots forming in his back as the moments passed.

“Thank you, Evan.” He spoke softly and tried to keep any panic out of his voice that was currently rushing through his head.

_You are such a goddamn freak. Do you remember the pity on his fucking face? The ‘aw poor connor murphy, no wonder he doesn’t have friends.’ It’s so fucking obvious. Of course you cut. Of course he’s going to leave you after today. He is holding back on the name-calling just so you won’t shove him to the ground again because you can’t deal wi-_

“C-connor… Are you ok-okay? I-i.. uh.. I sometimes g-get lost in my he-head too… Lets just..Lets j-just go eat o-okay?” His voice was swift and on the verge of terrified, though he was attempting to be calming. And for somefucking reason, it was working. The constantly worried Evan Hansen was calming someone else down.

“Yeah…” Connor took a breath, ran a hand over his face and pulled out his hair tie. Slipping it on his wrist and letting his hair fall around his shoulders as he turned towards the kitchen, he caught Evan’s glance, which seemed to be searching for Connor’s face just for the reassurance that he wasn’t crying.

Evan led the way to his kitchen and moved to the dining room table. Sitting down in his earlier seat before taking a slice from the cardboard pizza box and taking a bite. Connor followed suit, actually starving and scarfed down a slice while Evan placed his back down on the cardboard only half eaten.

After swallowing the last bite of his slice, Connor took a breath. The tension of the earlier event hanging over them like a gloomy black cloud past due it’s scheduled time to rain. The cloud surrounded them all and clutched at their lungs and throats, making it hard to breath. Connor looked up slowly from the box of pizza in front of him to the boy across the table. Evan’s head was ducked down and his shoulders were hunched over and he looked like he was trembling slightly.

With a sigh, Connor decided to let the rain fall. “Evan.. I uh.. I’m sorry you had to see-”

Evan cut him off quickly and Connor felt adrenaline run through his veins at the shock and slight annoyance that ran through his veins due to the abrupt, involuntary ending of his sentence.

“N-no I’m sorry. I shouldn’t h-have stared a-and made you f-feel uncomfortable. I-I could have ca-caused you to ha-have a p-panic attack. That w-would have be-been bad because I-i’m not good at-at handling people with panicking! I-im the person w-who panics!” Evan let out a small hysterical chuckle then and Connor tried to interject but Evan just kept talking at the speed of light. ” Connor, I’m assu-assuming you dont w-want to be-be friends anymore be-because it-its obvious. Wh-why would you w-want to be frien-friends with someone who st-stares at….”

Connor’s eyes had been wide when he started talking, though now they were as wide as could be. One, Evan called them friends. Which wasn’t bad, just slightly terrifying. Two, He talks like that double-speed up filter on snapchat. How do you even keep up with that. Thirdly, Evan thought that the friendless freak was going to throw away his chance at being not a friendless freak?

“Uh. No.. Evan whoah.. Okay. First of all, Breathe because I think you are going to pass out.” Connor caught Evan’s scared and exhausted eyes, pausing until Evan listened and took a few gulps of air. “Also...I didn’t have a panic attack, right?” Evan nodded sheepishly and slowly, silently answering Connor’s inquiry. “See. So I’m fin-”

“But you aren’t! That isn't… That.. You dont..”

Connor could feel his limited supply of patience wearing thin. “What, Evan?"

“You don’t _d-deserve_ that.” Connor felt frustration well up in his throat. He couldn’t have an outburst. Not at Evan.

“Evan I am not going to have this conversation with you right now.”

“N-no I know b-but-”

“But what?! Why are you acting differently!?! I’m fine. I’m the same as I was before you saw the cut so... Just fucking… Just fucking drop it..” Connor felt his face grow hot and heard his voice crack at the first word he let betray his calm exterior.

Evan was silent across the table and breathing hard. The sharp inhales and exhales causing Connor to glance up to see the honey blonde gazing in frustration back at him.

“I-i..Connor.. Y-you aren’t f-fine and we both k-know it. I j-just...If y-you ever feel l-like...hurting yo-yourself… you… Um. Y-youre welcome h-here.. I just… I-i’m here i-if you need i-it…”

Connor felt those words like he got punched in the gut. Multiple times. He felt traitorous tears welling behind his eyes and an actual possible panic attack on the horizon if he didn’t distract himself now. Moving his hands beneath the table and silently snapping his hair band against his wrist until it pulled him out of his emotions, though his voice was even more treasonous then those unshed tears. Cracking with emotion. “Thank you… Evan.”

He closed his eyes and composed himself before looking up to see Evan studying him. At this closer distance than normal, Connor could see his freckles and the details of his face clearly but was pulled out of his stupor by his phone buzzing sporadically in his pocket.

An exasperated groan fell from his throat as he pulled the phone from his pocket, answering a call on the phone with a nonchalant question.

“What do you want, Zoe?” Connor noticed Evan perk up at his sister Zoe’s name and narrowed his eyes. Everyone loved Zoe.

“Where the fuck are you?” Zoe’s angry voice rattled over the line, some underlying panic, though the only emotion Connor heard was annoyance.

“A friends.” At this second perk up at being called Connor’s friend, it erased his annoyance at the other boy.

_Cute._

“Yeah right. You don't have friends. You’re a monster” The venom of his sister’s voice stung his wrists and chest. His eyes had flicked up to see Evan scowl slightly since he had barely heard the words. Clenching his jaw in silent agreement with his scowl and spitting back a poisonous answer.

“You just love that image of me. Curled up alone at home, hm? Well sorry, sis. I actually made a friend.”

“Then who is it?” He could see her smirking behind the other screen and felt his lungs constrict.

“What?” Connor felt his face pale at the inquiry. Zoe would ruin any chance he had with Evan as a friend.

“You heard me...Who is it?” Connor looked over to Evan to see that Zoe had the same effect on both of the boys. Evan’s face was paler than ever in worry and his wide eyes staring into Connor’s. Deciding to play it safe, Connor muttered a dismissive response.

“None of your business. I’ll be home in the next fifteen minutes. Bye.” Connor hung up the phone with an annoyed sigh. Dropping his phone on the table with no concern for the technological device. His eyes flickered up to see Evan glued to the phone. Obviously overthinking everything.

By clearing his throat, it knocked Evan out of his stupor and helped Connor focus on something other than his problems.

“Well. I guess I need to go back to my hell of a house then…”

“Y-yeah..” Evan trailed off as Connor stood up and stretched his back out. Feeling Evan’s eyes on him, he stood back up straight after popping a few joints and caught the red flush of Evan’s cheeks.

“C-connor…”

“Yes..?”

“Could um.. Could maybe we d-do ... C-could you c-come over a-again?”

“You free tomorrow after school?”

“Y-yeah… “

“Then that is that. If I stay for the whole day I might give you a ride home then, How about that?” Connor gave a nod in response to a confirmation from Evan. The other boy started to tidy up their food and cups on the table while Connor moved to go and gather his stuff from the living room. They met back up near the entryway a few minutes later and said their awkward goodbyes.

Though neither of them knew it when the car door slammed shut behind Connor and the front door behind Evan, full-fledged grins took up a whole ⅓ of their face.

_Friends. They had a friend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love the outsiders obviously  
> also i love you for readin this  
> plz kudo and comment, it helps kill my anxiety that says this fic sucks  
> does it? lemme know down below  
> i edited this at midnight when i realized that it was wednesday, not tuesday like i though and had a heart attack. so there are probs a million mistakes. thx.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family bonding sucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >suicide mention and really touchy family issues brought up  
> >also self-harm briefly mentioned  
> >srsly be careful  
> >this is late by two hours whoops  
> >have a good day/night  
> >thx for reading ily

When Connor arrived home, Zoe had pried and pried at him along with his mother on the new friend.

 

“Connor, You don’t have friends.” She had thrown that classic in his face right when he closed the door behind him and he couldn’t help but sigh and look to his mother who stood a bit farther back down the hallway. Leaning against the wall.

 

“Is dad home?”

 

“Zoe, stop. And, Connor...Honey, we just are excited for you! It’d be nice for you to get out there! I really think it’d help….” She just seemed to ignore Connor’s question as she faded into the background. His head tuned her voice out and the world around him was a blur. All of a sudden once something good happens she's trying to push him to talk to her all of a sudden, and he couldn’t help but push out all of the toxicity of his rage out onto her in blind frustration.

 

“What _mom_ ? Help _what_ exactly?! Help my depression that Dad won’t let me get help for? Friends don’t magically cure a chemical-fucking-imbalance in my goddamn brain.” Connor had spit that back in response to his mother's attempts to grow closer to her son.

 

Connor was taking his boots off at the door and marching into the kitchen, weaving past the two females of the house. He couldn’t help but bristle and grimace as he noticed them following him incessantly. What right did they have to know about the good things in his life if they ignored the overall ugliness of it? He opened the fridge door harshly and grabbed the soup that they had eaten earlier for dinner, setting his mind on heating up the red tomato soup instead of blowing up at his family.

 

“Whatever mom. It’s probably just a new drug dealer.” Zoe was behind him, arms crossed and eyes boring holes into the tense planes of Connor’s shoulders. When he looked over his shoulder to shoot her a look, he saw a mixture of frustration and confusion in her eyes.

 

_Good. Let her be confused. She doesn’t know you. None of them do._

 

“Connor, sweetie.... It's just news. It’s positive news..” Cynthia spoke softly and tried to calm down the tight feeling of the room.

 

The optimism was slowly choking Connor. It felt like cotton was clogging his windpipe as he tried to swallow it down. He breathed a few shuddering breaths, hands gripping the granite counters with knuckles going bleach white as he squeezed his eyes shut.Connor’s face scrunched in concentration. He could wait this out. He could do this. He could wait to blow up until he got upstairs and then he could take it out on his bed frame or whatever.

 

“It’s exciting. That’s all, Con-” His mother’s words started out sugary sweet and it felt like honey was mixed in with the cotton. The feeling was like time had slowed down, though his breath had not. He was huffing and trying to breathe past the sticky and clogging feeling in his throat. Connor choked past the feeling. Willing back frustrated tears and letting go of the countertop. Clenching his fists into a vice-like grip on absent air as he spun around. Glaring at Cynthia in frustration.

 

“What fucking right do you people think you have? You want to be here for anything positive but you hide when I’m not happy. You don’t try and help. You don’t want me. You want a perfect son.” Connor heard his voice crack on _perfect_ and physically winced at the emotion in his words. He almost didn’t continue due to how much he enjoyed Zoe’s shocked expression. “But...but what right do you think you have in my life when you ignore almost all of it?”

 

Connor felt his lungs rise and fall rapidly as his eyes looked from a flabbergasted Zoe to a broken down Mother. It felt like after one of his angry outbursts. He put all of his venom into his tone meant to whip and hurt the receivers eardrums.

 

“Connor...Honey.. I-” Cynthia's hands were clasped together and brought to her lips. Unshed tears showing guilt and pain from Connor’s stinging words. She moved to take a few steps forward and shock covered her face when he stepped back with her progressive movement. He felt like a cornered animal with Zoe and Cynthia on the left and right in front of him. The counter to his back, he felt the hard granite press up against his spine.

 

He shook his head dismissively and let out a small huff of air. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyways.” Connor grabbed the bowl of soup from the microwave and slammed it closed in the pin-drop quiet house. Just out of the habit of bringing food into his room when he had been younger, Connor spoke softly.  “I won’t spill.” 

Then he grabbed a spoon from the drawer and slipped out of the kitchen and up into the haven of his room.

 

Connor kicked the door shut and leaned against the door for a few minutes, just staring at the tomato soup and getting lost in thought. The only thing that pulled him out was a buzz in his satchel. He walked to his windowsill and set the bowl down, rummaging through his bag and finding his phone before he slipped his bag off of his shoulder and tossed it onto his bed. Connor nonchalantly plopped down into his desk chair. Opening the received message and relaxing at the innocent message.

 

evan: You didnt get in toruble right?

evan: trouble*

 

conman: no. not for being late home.

 

evan: good. I’m still really sorry that I let you sleep in that late and reacted to..

evan: you know…

 

conman: dude its fine just drop it.

 

An exasperated sigh left his lips before taking a few more spoonfuls of his tomato soup. Shaking his head and groaning lowly at another text message. This kid was never going to drop it now.

 

evan: I’m actually… Im seeing a therapist, y’know? For my anxiety and panicking…

 

conman: wait really?

 

evan: yeah. Its actually really helpful...to have someone to talk to?

 

Another groan left his lips and he leaned back in the chair. _Fuck._ Not this. Really, anything but this.

 

conman: mhm. well im in the process of getting one so we dont have to talk about this agian?

 

evan: Oh! That's great. Sorry I’m just worried because I didn’t see your whole arm..

evan: not that I needed to

evan: or that It’s my business

evan: But like It’s none of my business if you have a therapist I’m sorry, that was probably really the worst hting ever im sorry.

 

conman: alright calm the fuck down jesus. I just am not a fan of..talking.

 

evan: okay. osrry. I’ll seeyou tomorrow?

 

Connor could only assume that Evan’s hands were shaking so bad that he couldn’t type right.

 

conman: sure

 

Sitting up in his chair and putting the phone into his jacket pocket, Connor leaned forward and slid the window open. Peacefulness rushed over him slightly as the cool, fresh air rushed in. He took his soup from the windowsill and ate it quietly. Staring mindlessly out into the dark night. There was something so calming about the quietness of the night and the blue darkness that washed over everything.

 

After about 20 minutes of slowly eating and just sitting by his window as he collected his thoughts, Connor looked at the clock and decided he should probably go and get some semblance of sleep. He stood and stretched out his back, yawning, and relaxing before grabbing the soup bowl.

 

Connor crept out of his room and down the hallway then the stairs slowly. Keeping his footfalls light, he felt mildly surprised when he walked into the kitchen and saw Zoe sitting at the dinner table. She seemed to be doing the same thing he had been up in his room. The sliding door was open in the dining room and the floor was cool to the touch. Her chin rested in her palm and she was dressed in warm clothes as she thought while enveloped in the cool air as Connor had been moments ago. He moved to the sink and placed the bowl gently into the sink and filling it silently with water.

 

The silence was so much to deal with. It felt like 1 ton resting on his chest and pushing the previously achieved calmness out of his body.

 

Zoe spoke softly and slowly. A simple mumble into her hand. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

 

He narrowed his eyes at her peculiar statement. “What?”

 

“I said I wasn’t expecting that...the..the vulnerability.”

 

Connor scoffed and Zoe shot him a glare.

 

“You can’t deny it.”

 

“And you can’t deny what I said either.”

 

The caused Zoe to still and look down at the table. Silence.

 

“But that….it doesn’t excuse my actions.”

 

Zoe was still silent. Her eyes studying the wood grain in their table like it was the most fascinating thing on earth.

 

“You know that right? It doesn’t excuse my words.”

 

Zoe’s eyes flicked up to Connor’s regretful blue eyes.

 

“Connor… Why...why are you so frustrated that mom cared?”

 

He huffed and furrowed his brow. Glancing down at the ground and then out the window. “I meant everything I said. I’m not their son. I’m not your brother. I’m a freak that needs to be taken care of for the next three months until I’m of legal age to be alone. And then from how Larry hates me, I’ll probably never see you people ever again. You won’t know if I actually succeed in life or death. You won’t know if I get through this shit or if I can actually kill myself successfully,” He noted how Zoe winced. She had been the one to find him that Sunday evening in the bathroom. It felt like so long ago. “You know that’s true, Zoe. So what’s the point now..”

 

She was silent as she looked at him. Her gaze was analyzing and he could only imagine how wistful he looked for the past before he spoke up again with a quiet dismissal of the tension in the room.

 

“Get some sleep. It’s been a lon-”

 

“What was up with you this morning? You weren’t as defensive. You were so quiet. What happened?” Zoe spoke softly and sat up a little straighter, crossing her arms in front of her.

 

“I just….the night before was hard...why do you even-” He was confused. Now suddenly that he was so fed up with the family bullshit, Zoe cared?

 

“I just… I don’t know what you do but-”

 

“Zoe stop. You’re overthinking. I was just overwhelmed tonight, okay?”

 

Zoe nodded and looked outside, Connor’s gaze followed and he chuckled quietly.

 

“Funny what talking at 1 AM does to a person’s filter.”

 

“Goodnight Connor.”

 

“Night Zoe.”

 

Connor left the room and moved to slip into his room. He heard Zoe’s gentle footsteps past his door and to her room a few moments after he had closed his door.

 

He went through his nightly motions. Stripping his upper half and leaving sweatpants on before plugging his phone in and pushing his bag off of his bed before slipping under the covers.

 

The quiet sound of the night lulled him to sleep even though his mind was a mess of confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> weelp wow. family bonding sort of? cynthia is going to be a very subtle process. and larry? i d fucking know. larry annoys me so badddd
> 
> >thank you tons for reading  
> >drop a comment or kudos if ur feeling especially loving ;0  
> >please point out mess ups. i edited this at 2 AM so ye.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >blood and self-harm warning  
> >sibling bonding? or issues? its mixed  
> >grumpy tree bros but also cute? its a confusing chapter  
> >and its only the third day in the story  
> >enjoy and thx you angels

The day lulled on like always through his classes, though this time both of the boys planned on the computer lab together. Subconsciously of course.

 

Evan was always in there during his free period to do other assignments weeks ahead of time. It drove him crazy that he couldn’t do all of the work in the English reading assignment by himself so he opted last night to do some of the writer's purpose statements. It wasn’t just that though. He felt like Connor would ditch now that Evan overreached into his personal life and Evan just couldn’t help but think about the scars. He hadn’t even seen his whole arm and he couldn’t help but imagine what was under those sleeves. Every single day. Thinking back on it, Connor always had the end of his sleeves balled up in his fists when Evan saw him.

 

Staring down at the paper as he let his mind race, Evan didn’t even notice another person enter the room. On the other hand, Connor couldn’t help but notice how still Evan was when he entered the computer lab. The other young man was staring at the paper. His hand was resting to the side limply and the pencil loosely held while Evan remained still other than his normal breathing. Connor opted to clear his throat to try and get Evan to look up.

 

At the rough noise, Evan’s head jolted up from the paper and to the entrance where the lanky teen stood. Connor felt like he was slightly being scrutinized as Evan’s eyes traveled from his face, downwards and then flicking right back upwards with a flush to his face. Connor couldn’t help but clench his jaw and deal with the heat in his face as he moved to sit down next to Evan.

 

_Is he judging how you dress too now? If only you were normal._

 

His eyes traveled to the paper in front of his new _friend,_ or whatever, “Working on the project?” Connor asked. Evan nodded while averting his gaze from the other boy as he picked up a multi-stack of papers and handed them to Connor.

 

“Y-yeah. Last n-night I c-couldn’t sleep so I-i opted to get work done i-instead…” Evan stammered as he looked anywhere but Connor’s face. Eyes settling on the papers in Connor’s hands and waiting for a reaction to the multi-paragraph papers.

 

“Evan, Jesus. Did you sleep?” His mildly concerned eyes looked over the paper at Evan who glanced up with a red face and a shrug.

  
“I-i mean… I-i couldn’t sleep so… I just..um...”

 

Connor focused in on the darker bags under Evan’s eyes and took a breath before contradicting himself, “You know, you really shouldn’t push it… with… You know. I mean when I don’t get a lot of sleep, even I get nervous about stuff. Are you okay?”

 

Evan obviously felt cornered due to his darting eyes and fidgeting so Connor leaned back in his chair to try and let the other boy breathe. It helped, he noticed, as Evan took a long breath and decided to close his eyes.

 

“I-i just... _it’s not like you don’t push it…_ ” Evan’s eyebrows furrowed as he mumbled under his breath and opened his eyes to look at the computers. His small stroke of courage was snuffed out as his face turned bright red.

 

“OH MY G-GOD I-I am s-so s-ssorry c-connor. I d-didn’t m-mea-” His panicked apology was interrupted by Connor smiling at him. _Grinning even._

 

His words dropped off as he blushed, staring at Connor like he was a ghost.

 

Evan found he didn’t hate the light in Connor’s tired eyes.

 

Connor couldn’t help the quirk of his lips that spread over his face at the only confrontation he had ever even heard from Evan. When seeing the disbelief on Evan’s face directed at him, he realized he couldn’t believe the smile either and let out a forced cough. Awkwardly wiping the scarce show of his teeth and blushing at the intense focus the other man had on his face.

 

“Wait d-did you just-”

 

“Shut up, Evan.”

 

“I’m still s-sorry y-”  


“Ev! Come on. It was funny, okay? You called me on my shit when I knew I should be called on my shit. Still. How late did you stay up?”

 

Evan huffed and brought his right hand to run through his golden-auburn hair as he averted his eyes from Connor’s.

 

“3..?”

 

“3 AM?”

 

An ashamed nod.

 

“Evan, this Project is not even that important-”

 

A small mumble from Evan’s direction caught his words and he cocked an eyebrow in annoyance. “What, Evan?”

 

“It doesn’t m-matter! I-I’m awake n-now so it…. J-just drop it…”

 

Connor knew that look in the other boys eyes. Dismissive, annoyed and frustrated. Evan didn’t think he deserved for anyone to worry about him. Although Connor wanted so badly to correct him, He restrained himself with a huff of frustrated air from his lips.

 

“Fine. Anyways, these are really good..” _Shouldn’t have stayed up until 3 AM but whatever._

 

This was his problem he needed to work on. Connor cared too much about other people’s issues. Not his own though. Never his own.

 

Evan mumbled a small ‘thank you’ and glanced to Connor as he put the bundle of papers on the desk before taking his sketchbook and showing Evan his idea of what the main characters would look like.

 

“That’s them. Ponyboy, Johnny..”

 

“T-these are re-really great Connor.. Y-you could have a career with th-this. It-it’s really nice..”

 

_Yeah right. Evan thinks you’ll live long enough to even choose a career._

 

“Thanks…”

 

Evan felt his lips quirk up as he gazed at the sketches. After he was done admiring them, Evan closed the book gently and handed it back to Connor who took it silently, his eyes cast down and away from Evan.

 

“S-so. You said you didn’t get in tr-trouble last night?” Evan started, trying to distract Connor from whatever he was thinking.

 

Connor simply nodded in response and rolled back in the chair and then propping his feet up on the desk in front of him. “Yeah. I mean… I guess. I caused trouble but… It wasn’t about you..”

 

Evan fixed him with a look of disbelief but decided to keep quiet as he nodded. He had heard what Zoe had said and that was part of his worries that kept him awake last night. Did the one person he thought was perfect have to be like that?

  
“I-is..” Connor glanced at him expectantly, prompting him to continue. “I-is Zoe normally...l-like that?”

 

_Why would you ever think anyone wanted to be your friend? He just wants to get close to Zoe. You saw him perk up at her voice last night._

 

“Yeah. To me… Not to anyone else. Everyone here thinks she’s _perfect_.” Evan flinched minutely at the venom in Connor’s voice but he didn’t care.

 

_Why was she seen like that?! Why couldn’t anyone care about him?_

 

_Oh right, because he doesn’t deserve it._

 

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. She sees everyone with anything wrong as crazy.”

 

That of course was a lie. Zoe was always sweet to everyone except for Connor. She was even nice to her fucking ex. Although Connor shouldn’t blame her, he wasn’t thinking clearly right now and only felt mounting anger, shown in the way he lied to Evan to discourage him from his sister.

 

The only thing that calmed the frustration was Evan’s small disheartened ‘oh.’ Instead, it was replaced with heavy guilt at smashing his hope.

 

Connor looked over to see Evan staring down at his fidgeting hands and at the cast. All he could do was glare at the non-stop moving fingers.

 

“I can’t do this right now. It’s too fucking much. I’ll see you on Monday.” _Maybe._

 

Evan looked up in surprise to see Connor getting out of his chair and moving towards the door frame with an annoyed huff.

 

“W-wait... Con-connor.”

 

“ _What?_ ” The anger in Connor’s voice was palpable in the air and it caused Evan to shrink back in his chair with a few fast breaths as his eyes darted away from Connor’s furious and emotionless blue ones. “Yeah. Bye.”

 

He stalked out of the door, hands trembling with frustration and anger as he descended the stairs to the lower level of the school and stalked through the full lunch room. Fingers gripping the band across his chest, Connor felt his breathing quicken as he rushed towards the student parking lot. Before he could get even close to the doors, he felt a hand grab his wrist.

 

Hissing in pain as his scabbed-over cuts screamed at him. Connor whipped his arm away from whoever had grabbed it and felt a few of the scabs rip open. That caused him to cradle his forearm to his chest and his eyes to tear up at the stinging ache that he hadn’t been expecting. Connor looked up to see Zoe standing a few feet away with worry in her eyes as she gazed at his arm held against his chest.

 

“Connor…”  
“Fuck off! Jesus Christ why won’t everyone just _leave me alone._ ” He backed up a few steps and turned to flee towards the bathroom as he felt blood seep from the newly opened wounds into his black sweatshirt. Connor pushed through the doors, breathing heavily and clenching his fists as the pain radiated to the rest of his body. He glanced up to see a boy grabbing a towel from the dispenser and yelled at the deer-in-headlights face.

 

“Get out!”

 

The other boy scrambled out of the bathroom and Connor rushed to the sink, ripping his sweater off, throwing his bag and hoodie to the side and feeling tears well and fall at the sick feeling that spread through his body seeing the blood drip onto the sink.

 

_You deserve this._

 

He felt lightheaded at the speed of his breaths and clutched the sink as the red dripped onto the dirty eggshell white porcelain. His knuckles were white as he hung his head and let any tears fall, his back hunched over the sink and hair draped over his face as he tried to regain his breath.

 

He whipped his head up so hard he felt like his neck was going to crack when he heard the door creak open. His eyes met Zoe’s in the mirror and he moved his right hand to cover his left arm, though the red in the sink was enough to get the severity of the event through to her despite his bullshit of a coverup.

 

_shit. Shit. SHIT._

 

Her hand flew up to her mouth and she staggered backward at the sight of him as he turned his head to look at her, his right hand slowly becoming stained red and blood leaking through his tight fingers.

 

“Leave...Zoe just..GO. Just go, what the fuck are you doing in the boy’s bathroom?!” He watched as tears welled up in her similar glacier eyes and felt his heart squeeze.

 

The last time she’d seen him like this was his attempt a year ago. It all suddenly dawned on him that she could be reliving it all and he felt guilt rise up in his throat. Choking on his breaths and feeling his knees go weak from the overwhelming emotions he was just smacked in the face with. Zoe was frozen in her place as Connor grabbed a paper towel from the crank dispenser and stumbled to the ground with a grunt. He pressed the wadded up paper towels to his wounds and squeezed his eyes shut, leaning his head back until it met the tan wall with a sickening thud. Just waiting for her shock to go away so that she could leave him alone.

 

He took a few deep breaths and opened his eyes at the sound of sneakers squeaking to see Zoe grabbing more paper towels and folding them to cover any of the bloodied wounds.

 

“Zoe, no. W-what are you doin-”

 

“Shut up, idiot! I thought you...I thought you stopped…”

 

She moved towards him with the crappy towels in her hands as tears poured from her eyes. He let out a harsh laugh as he looked at the blood soaking through the towels.

 

“Right. Because acting like nothing happened after I tried to kill myself is a renowned way to treat fucking mental illness.” He spit, trying to make her angry at him so that she’d just leave, but she didn’t. Zoe walked right up to him and kneeled down. Taking the blood-soaked towel, She replaced it with her carefully folded bundle and pressed it to his arm, causing Connor to jump at the pressure and grind his heels into the ground at the sharp pains ricocheting up his arm.

 

After he became used to the replacing of paper towels and cycle of new pressure on his arm, He looked at the wall to the left of him. Unable to meet Zoe’s eyes as her warm tears fell onto his arm.

 

“The...the bleeding is slowing…” She mumbled the reassurance that he wasn’t going to bleed out and Connor felt disappointment flash through his heart.

 

_Damn. Fucked up that that even makes sense._

 

His head rolled over on the wall to look at her, their eyes meeting and Zoe’s eyes becoming refreshed with a new flood from her eyes.

 

“Why are you helping me?” Connor’s voice sounded alien to his own ears. The sound was rasping and weak. Desperate for an honest answer.

 

Zoe looked shocked at the question. “W-what?”

 

This time he made sure to throw in some of his real, angry, emotions, though the words that left his tongue felt even worse. “Why the fuck are you helping me?! You hate me…Why would you…?” His voice cracked through the words, causing Connor to wince and feel the level of annoyance towards himself skyrocket.

 

“You’re my brother… Connor.. I… might be pissed at you alot.. But I don't hate you… not after last year…”

 

His eyes flickered up to her own and saw the pain plain in their identical eyes and had to avert his own before she could see his bone-crushing guilt.

 

“You…. You shouldn’t have seen that. You were just 15-”

 

“Did you try again? Is that what these...”

 

Connor felt his face pale at the question and her eyes now felt like daggers stinging his skin and prodding him to answer.

 

“Fuck off Zoe.”

 

“Was this… Have you tried since last year?”

 

Connor let out a bitter chuckle as tears welled up, his chest constricting. He let himself forget she was there for a second and allowed himself the honesty of the answer as he gazed up at the grimy ceiling.

 

“I wish, damn, do I wish….But I never could. I just...I.. almost did… this week..” Connor blinked away anything that threatened to break his demeanor more.He heard Zoe’s choked breaths to the right of him and his eyes glanced to his right.

 

She slowly was able to compose herself and spoke quietly, “I always thought that...that you wore the sleeves to cover up the long cut from that night…the scars... I thought that you stopped…”

 

Connor’s harsh chuckle surprised himself at the void, empty emotion in it. Zoe’s eyes snapped up to look at him and her tears stopped as anger appeared in her face, smacking his shoulder.

 

“This isn’t funny, Connor!”

 

“I think that one of us bleeding, both of us crying, and both of us sitting on the dirty boys bathroom floor of the high school is pretty damn funny.” He cracked a smirk at her and felt some relief at her sniffle and wiping of her eyes.

 

“I guess..”

 

Connor took a breath and gently moved her hands off of his arm and took the damp paper towel off gently, wincing and making sure scabs were forming over the cuts as he stood up. Blood and tears had stopped flowing and Connor hoped that they wouldn’t go back to being at each other's throats now that no one was in danger.

 

He walked over to his sweater and pulled the black jacket back on, feeling numb to the pain it caused when the pilled-up fleece rubbed up against the open wounds.

 

“You should get to class..”

 

“Nope.” Zoe stood up shakily and looked like she was thinking over some ideas. “You don’t want to be here right?”

 

Sharp scoff and nod from Connor. “Is that even a question?”

 

So she dialed up Cynthia and watched Connor’s face twist in amusement.

 

“Hey, mom! I was just wondering if you could excuse Con and I-,” He missed that nickname, “From school? Yeah, we both feel like we’re going to throw up… Maybe it was something we ate?” A pause. “Thanks, Ma, Love you.” With a tap on the phone, Zoe hung up and bent down to grab his bag and handed it to her taller sibling.

 

“What the fuck? Did good little Zoe just ditch school?” Connor raised an eyebrow and felt a smirk grace his lips. To that, Zoe scoffed and moved past him.

 

“Just go get the car. I’ll go get my backpack and I’ll be out in a sec.” Connor shrugged and shoved the strap of his bag onto his shoulder before following her out of the bathroom.

 

“Don’t ditch me..” Zoe turned as she walked and Connor scoffed.

“You wish. Just hurry up. I don’t want to be here.”

 

Zoe nodded to that and quickened her pace through the hallway towards the cafeteria as Connor raced the other way and out the doors. He jogged to the old car and unlocked the door before hopping in and starting the engine. Connor stared out the window, waiting for Zoe’s familiar figure to exit the doors. When he backed out and came around to the side of the school, Zoe opened the door and slid in. Slamming the door behind her and buckling.

 

“So. What was that all about? Am I turning you to the dark side?” Connor couldn’t wipe that damn smirk off of his face as Zoe rolled her eyes and smirked.

 

“No, dumbass. That’s not how this works. Let's go to A la Mode. I’ve been craving their ice cream.” Zoe smiled over at Connor and he felt his heart burst. She hadn’t smiled at him in so long.

 

He cleared his throat and nodded. “Okay… A la Mode it is.”

 

Connor pulled out of the school student parking lot and began their drive to the outskirts of the city. The whole time, The two were fighting over the classic rock and instrumental jazz radio channels.

 

“Connor, Rock is _so_ dreary!”

“And bluesy Jazz isn't?! I’m the driver. I get to choose!”

“Ugh, Connor… Please?!”

“Nope.”

 

The whole ride was different variations of that and once they arrived Connor opted to turn the radio off as he turned into the parking lot.

 

“None of that on the way back. I’m exhausted.” He climbed out of the car and slammed the door, making sure his wallet was in his back pocket as they walked up the door. Filing in, Connor ordered a scoop of chocolate and then another scoop of the triple caramel brownie. He paid and brought the ice cream cups to the table, sliding the simple chocolate across the table into Zoe’s open hands and plopping down in the metal seat.

 

“So.. Why A la Mode?” He asked quietly before shoving a bite into his mouth.

 

Zoe looked up, mildly surprised, and shrugged as she swallowed her bite. “It reminds me of the old days…” She smiles slightly at him, to which he responded with a small quirk of his lips to reassure her until she looked down. The smile was wiped from his face and he stared down at the ice cream as he balled up a nice bite of the sweet chocolate and salty caramel.

 

She meant the good old days. Before Connor cut himself off. Before he yelled at everyone to leave him alone. Before he nonchalantly told his mom that he wouldn’t care if he died when he was 12. Connor had just wanted to check to make sure it was normal. Turns out it wasn’t. That scared the shit out of him so bad that he locked himself in his room and suffered his first panic attack all alone.

 

“I missed it here…” He stated before shoving a bite into his mouth.

 

_Shut up, oh my god._

 

He clenched his jaw as he remembered, oh yeah, Zoe probably didn’t forgive him. She won’t ever. He doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.

 

“Yeah… Um… Connor.. You know I need to tell mom and dad.. Right?” Zoe looked up at him with a worried glance, analyzing his response and widening her eyes when Connor just stood up, his face immediately darker and back to before. Shadowed and harsh as he walked out the front door, the bells that rung indicating a much more happy feeling than what Zoe was feeling. She took a breath and followed him out.

 

Connor had moved to the bench outside the ice cream shop and was angrily staring at the cool treat in the baby blue paper container. Zoe moved to sit next to him, placing her ice cream on one of the tables.

 

“Connor… I get it… Okay, but-”

 

“No. Zoe… No, you fucking don’t. I-...” It started out quiet and reserved. Even though it was mournful in the beginning, Zoe could hear the anger building in Connor’s voice. “They don’t care… You know that.”

 

“Mom cares! Didn’t you see her last night!?” Her voice raised in panic and stress over the possibility of any bonding today being erased.

 

“Her reputation is more important than me, Zoe.. Larry’s jo-”

 

“Dad. He’s dad! Not Larry! He cares! They care!” Her pleads for him to listen fell on deaf ears, though and Connor bristled visibly so she paused before pushing more. “Connor, You need to tell the-”

 

“Larry told me… He told me that suicide was the kid’s way out. That it was throwing a _fit_.” Connor’s hands gripped the bench under them and felt his fingers flare in pain. Though he needed to vent the anger somewhere other than Zoe and he couldn’t fuck today up for her. He had squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw, feeling her eyes bore into him.

 

She was staring at him like he was a different person, blatant shock shown in her body language and eyes, and he felt like everything had fallen back into the grooves of their previous relationship when he glanced over at her to gauge her reaction.

 

“He doesn’t care, Zoe! You don’t… He hates my guts. And mom...she hasn’t looked at me the same since I was 12 and told her that I wanted to die. Normal people would fucking…. normal people.. with fucking… consciences would… they’d get me therapy. They’d try and talk to me. But they just… They just ignore it like nothing happened!”

 

Connor had stood up and was now clutching himself, his fingers gripping his arms under his sweatshirt and anger welling up in his throat. From the grip of his hands, Connor was sure of the bruises that would be left from his fingers. Though he was trying to keep himself under control for the sake of Zoe. He didn’t want to taint these memories more than he already has with her.

 

She was staring at him in disbelief, a frown on her lips, eyes calculating her next few words.

“I.. I could talk to them, Connor. They might liste-”

 

He was on a roll now and felt his breathing rise as he let everything pour out.

 

“They do,” **step** , “not _care”_ **s** **tep** , “Zoe!” **step** , “Did you not hear what I said last night?!” Last step and he was towering over her.

 

The fear in her eyes when she scooted back on the bench away from him was a punch in the gut. She would never trust him. No matter what he did. He’d always be the _monster._  

 

Connor backed up a few steps, his hands shaking at the tightness of his grip and hurt flashed across his face. Did he really expect her to trust him? No. He couldn’t just erase what he’d done to her for the past five years with a little blood and shared tears.

 

Looking down at his shuddering hands and his breaths that were puffing out too fast.

 

He needed to smoke. He needed to be able to think clearly. Or not think at all.

 

“Just get in the car. I’ll take you home. I need to go cool down.”

 

“Connor.. I-”

 

“Get in the fucking car, Zoe.” His words could’ve been a slap if he’d tried harder, but instead, they showed his exhaustion over the topic. Connor grabbed the melted ice cream and threw it away before walking out to the car and getting in. He waited for Zoe to buckle up and then took off. This time, the car was silent.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hah gay

Connor laid on the kids slide of the park in their neighborhood. He let his bony spine and back become as comfortable as possible on the hard plastic while he lit a joint and brought the end to his lips, gazing up at the moon that was up before night even struck. Connor was planning on not going home tonight. He didn’t think he’d be able to handle Larry and Cynthia fussing over his wrists which Zoe had no doubt told them about by now. Yeah, thinking about that caused a shudder to go down his spine. No way was he going back tonight.

 

Taking a long and deep breath of the smoke and holding it in his lungs, he anticipated the relaxation that came with the THC. The quieting of the white noise. A miracle depressant that has probably saved his life many times over. He took lungfuls of the magical drug and closed his eyes, crossing his arms across his chest and letting himself sink into the tough synthetic material of the slide. Connor grabbed his phone, which was buzzing like an angry hornet's nest in his pocket, and looked at the caller ID with narrowed eyes.

 

_Larry is calling…_

Connor scoffed and didn’t hesitate to ignore it. _Suck it._

_Mom is calling…_

Connor let that one trail out until she gave up. _No._

 _Z is calling…_  

Connor groaned and answered, hissing into the microphone.

 

“What the **fuck** do you people want?!”

“Connor… we want you home.. Mom is worried about you!”

“I’m fine. I’m just smoking weed okay? I need to chill. So fuck off.”

“Really?! You’re smoking weed… I can’t believe I’d actually think you weren’t crazy. Come on, Connor, Mom is worried. Dad’s already pissed.”

“ _Good.”_

 

Connor hit the red button on his phone screen and gave himself a small satisfying sigh at the absence of Zoe’s voice before taking another, longer gulp of air that burned his lungs with the breathlessness and deprivation of oxygen. Focusing on a cloud drifting above him in the colourful sky, he let his thoughts wander. He was trying to deal with his shit. Why weren’t they? Why couldn’t they try and deal with the fact that Connor wasn’t the brother or son they wanted. He _never_ would be. And why couldn’t they try and help? All he wanted was help.

 

Vulnerable thoughts were returning and he felt his ribcage squeeze.

He needed someone.

_Anyone._

Connor would never be able to make it to 18 in a few months if he didn’t have someone. Of course, Evan popped into his head but, hadn’t Connor completely ruined that?

 

_Speak of the devil._

 

Connor looked at the illuminated glass and watched ‘evan’ flash across the screen and show the first fraction of the new message. If he hadn’t caught the first few words, he would have definitely lost the friendship by ignoring the crucial text, but he didn’t. He saw the ‘ _Hey Connor, just wanted to check in. I’m sorr…._ ’ and knew what this was about. Evan had probably been dwelling on this non-stop since this morning when he left in an angry haze, Connor thought, as guilt increased exponentially in his gut. But really, who even apologizes for someone else snapping at them?

 

Evan, obviously.

 

He sighed and opened the text, smirking as he breathed in the smoke, letting his mind wander about this budding relationship. How the fuck is Evan so...bearable when everyone else is just a useless filler to try and make Connor’s loneliness easier. Other people are just there saying ‘I’m here if you need to talk!’ but then they never are. He was so much more genuine than anyone else Connor had ever met and it sort-of freaked Connor out because now he didn’t know how to just brush the other boy off like he did everyone else.

 

evan: Hey Connor, just wanted to check in. I’m sorry about today. I dont know if I did something, but tell me if I ever say the wrong thing and I’ll fix it…

evan: i’m sorry and this might sound really desperate but I really missed you in english..

evan: yeah that is really desperate.

evan: i jsut hope you’re okay...okay?

evan: okay

 

There was a pause in the non-stop texts before he moved to put the phone down. But then, silence always ends as the loud buzzing was heard against the slide.

 

evan: i wantyou to be okay because you havent shown your smile enough at school

evan: and it was nice this morning?

evan: seeing that different side of you..

evan: i was thinking about that today.

evan: not like your smile of course thats just creepy but..

evan: I make assumptions alot but I think maybe ‘today wasnt your day’?

evan: my mom always says that when I ever have a bad day.

evan: even though its hard to put it into words, bad days are normal so you end up saying that phrase over and over?

evan: and I get it and I understand even if you don’t think I do. Because I know i do.

 

A flicker of a smile on Connor’s face showed up and then left just as quickly as a flare of anger and defensiveness corrupted any positivity. Who the fuck did Evan think he was? Evan didn’t know Connor, but then again, Connor assumed he knew the quiet tree loving boy so he tried to keep an open mind while looking down at the cracked and dirty smartphone screen.

 

evan: and I think you’re reading these but you don’t want to talk and..

evan: you know like anxiety? It makes me overanalyze everything. And maybe I didn’t do something wrong this morning?

evan: maybe it was neither of us.

evan: we didn’t do anything wrong.

 

A pause in the messages and Connor was confused. Did Evan really move past his doub-

 

evan: I mean, I mmightve and I’d love to know if I did, but you didn’t do anything wrong. I probabaly did but I just…

evan: I don’t want you to think im not here or that I’ll leave at any upset

evan: as long as you won’t leave either

evan: this is alot but I’m being weird and you probabaly don’t want to be my friend so like its fine if i’m reading too much into this but..

evan: anyways.. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

 

Connor found himself chuckling at the idiot. What was Connor even doing? What was this? How do you adjust to someone all of a sudden caring? But hey, he thought, might as well humor the kid.

 

conman: are you okay?

 

On the other end, Evan was panicking. Full, deep breaths were gushing from his lungs and he was internally scolding himself in frustration. Why did Evan have to talk to him? What was he even doing? Evan didn’t have a clue about either question.

 

evan: um. Yeah I am totally fine. Just… worried?

conman: isnt that like 80% of your personality?

 

He let a quiet and breathy laugh leave his lips and gripped his bedsheets next to him as he tried to get his thoughts under control.

 

evan: yes

evan: but im like worried about yuo instead of evertyhing? I think?

conman: is that an improvement?

evan: um..i dont think so because then you are probably in pain

Evan: No but im not saying that you dont normallysuffer

evan: sorry I just…

conman: care about anyone else other than urself?

 

Connor seeing through his words really unnerved him and he found himself trying to pick threads out of his blue, old and ratty blankets.

 

evan: i guess?

evan: are you okay, though?

conman: am i ever?

 

Evan couldn’t help but frown as he felt his breathing become grounded and his ability to think straighter return. Wow, Connor sure was relatable.

 

conman: correction- are we ever?

 

Another frown, but a bittersweet raising of the corners of his lips showed as he felt any defensiveness slip off his face. Connor was right. There was no reason to detach himself from the other man and cause the two of them to feel even more alone.

 

evan: good one

evan: dunno about you but for me, It’s a no.

evan: where even are you? Hopefully at home in the act of a healthy coping mechanism?

conman: more or less?

evan: Connor what’re you up to?

evan: are you okay?

 

Evan clicked out of the messaging app with trembling fingers. He was screwed.

Connor is going to die. He’s going to die and Evan would be alone all over again. He’d be lost all over again. He wouldn’t have anything ever again _and he’d end up growing old and dying alone if he didn’t succeed in offing himsel-_ buzz.

 

Looking down at his phone, he felt relief as Connor’s name flashed across the screen. So the other boy wasn’t dead. Yet, of course.

 

conman: im fine, jesus. Not offing myself or anything Just smoking a bit. Also, I dont exactly have a place to stay tonight

conman: could I crash for tonight at your place?

evan: weed?!

 

Evan really shouldn’t feel surprised. It’s the renowned school stoner that he was becoming friends with, but he was, being sheltered by his mom who was gone too long to even teach him about high school and peer pressure. In health class everything is seen as something that will kill you. So hearing Connor was smoking _right now_ was mildly unnerving.

 

conman: no evan. I’m smoking a menthol cigarette

 

Oh. Okay well that’s still bad but-

 

conman: of course its weed what the fuck

 

Double Oh. He was just messing with him.

 

_He thinks you are the dumbest person on the planet right now wow good job._

 

conman: so?

evan: Yeah. Just.. air out a bit? My mom might freak out if she ends up coming home earlier and smells weed.

conman: k be there soon.

 

Evan realized that the house was only slightly clean and felt his heart rate skyrocket. Connor is going to be here. The brother of his long-time pining crush. What if he gushed to Zoe about how disgusting Evan was? That thought caused Evan to shoot up and start meticulously tidying up his home, changing into a normal t-shirt and nicer sweatpants then all of his others as he moved through the already-clean home and took care of anything that caused him to worry, which ended up being basically anything.

 

Connor, on the other hand, was taking a few good drags and making sure he was high enough to not be a mess of self-harming teenage anger and more a subtle ‘I hate myself, and I love weed’ kind of teenager. Connor pressed the tiny glowing embers to his palm and snuffed out the joint, knocking any ash off before putting the half-finished joint back into his glove compartment. Starting the car and grasping at the small fraction of hope that came with the thought of seeing Evan more today and them actually still being friends. That word was still so foreign.

 

Also, feeling the wind caress his hair like that, he noted the sensation of knots in his neck unraveling when he let the air blow around his body. He should really open all of his windows more often.

 

____

 

Evan opened the door as he saw Connor pull into the driveway and smiled slightly. He was in one piece and seemed more relaxed, Evan noted as he studied the lazy and sluggish movements while Connor turned the car off.

 

Connor waved at Evan through the dirty window of his car and Evan pleasantly, and nervously, smiled back, giving a little wave in response. The lanky dressed-in-black teenager threw his door open and got out with shaky legs and closed the door, slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking up to Evan.

 

“Hey, Ev.” He liked that nickname. They both did.

“Hi, Connor.” The stench of weed hit him and he held back a cough with only the fear of upsetting a high Connor Murphy. Evan would have to open the windows and text his mom about it.

 

Evan turned around to go into his house and Connor followed dutifully. Kicking off his boots, he looked down at Evan who was walking into the kitchen. All was silent until the shorter of the two spoke up shakily, his voice wavering.

 

“Connor, you k-know- You do know how dangerous it is to drive when y-you’re high right?” Evan threw a glance over his shoulder as he filled a glass of water for Connor and a mug of tea for himself.

Connor ran a hand through his hair and sighed exasperatedly.

“Sorry, _Mom._ You know that weed calms me down, right? So I actually drive under the speed limit instead of over it, hoping that I’ll flip my car and die or something?”

Evan was silent until he perked up with a good comeback.

“It’s just- L-like you said before… w-worrying is 80 p-percent of me.”

 

Ev had turned so he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms as he waited for the water to heat, his eyes meeting Connor’s and causing him to paste a lazy smile on his lips at the sight of a relaxed Hansen.

 

“Yeah. Well, I’ll try to not freak out 80 percent of you, how about that?”

 

Evan didn’t nod or anything, just studied Connor’s face and his more or less fake smile slipped off of his face and revealed his uncertainty.

 

“Evan?”

“W-what was up w-with you today?”

 

Connor felt Evan’s eyes follow his own as he looked down and clenched his jaw.

 

“Just a bad...bad morning?” He shrugged, frowning at the white tile and staring at it like it was the most interesting piece of generic flooring on earth.

“Isn’t every morning b-bad? Did I…” Evan trailed off and began fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “Did I s-say something? W-wrong?”

“No Evan.. It’s just…” Connor looked up at Evan who was now staring at his t-shirt with the same interest as he had had with the tile. “You didn’t do anything… I just...talking about Zoe really fucks with me, y’know..?”

A small nod from Evan only made Connor feel worse.

 

_You just made him feel like shit on the bottom of a sneaker. He’s overanalyzing everything right now._

 

Evan jumping at the beeping of the coffee maker only proved to Connor how deep Evan had been in his head. The honey blonde went about making his tea and motioned for Connor to take the water glass that he had set out earlier. Connor mumbled a ‘thank you’ before taking the glass gently.

 

“I was j-just going to watch a movie tonight? D-did you..? Are you..?” Evan huffed in frustration at his difficulty with speaking and Connor raised an eyebrow as Evan’s shoulders slumped. His next words were quieter and more reserved. “M-my mom r-rented Sing from Redbox.. Did y-you want to watch it wi-with me?”

Connor surely wasn’t expecting that, but he nodded nonetheless.

“I haven’t seen a movie in forever. Much less a kids movie.”

Evan nodded and moved to the sugar jar, sweetening the peppermint tea with a spoon of sugar and tasting it. Connor couldn’t help watching his every quirk and finding some sort of positive quality in it. He huffed at the absolute _gayness_ of the moment and moved to distract himself by going into the living room and to the couch, stretching and letting a long yawn leave his lips once he had sat down. A few minutes later, Evan opened a few of the windows in the living room  once he walked in before placing his mug on the coffee table in front of them and popping the CD in the old blu-ray player and turned on the TV, navigating his way through the confusing set up and finally playing the movie, sipping his tea and stealing glances at Connor.

 

Connor watched Evan’s actions through the screen and once the angular play button was virtually pressed, he felt Evan’s eyes on him and felt his body heat up subconsciously at the stares and glances of the other boy.

 

_Fuck. It’s hot as hell in here._

 

He felt like it was hard to breath with the heat.

But his wrists were a mess after the bathroom incident. He couldn’t do that to Evan.

“Hey Evan?”

“Hm?”

The music of the opening scenes were forgotten when they looked over and eyes met.

“Do you have any medical tape?”

A frown and the clink of a mug being set down on a glass table.

“U-uh.. Yeah.. Why..? A-are you..-”

“I’m fine.. Just… I need to take my jacket off.. But…” With worry in his eyes, Evan had forgotten all about the movie and jumped up to go get gauze or tape or whatever, Connor feeling guilty about nothing in particular and attempting to sink further back into the couch.

“I’ll be right back, o-okay?”

 

Connor nodded slightly and felt his wrists tingle. He looked up to see the backstory of the koala being played and failed at distracting himself until Evan came into the room with a roll of stretchy medical tape.

 

“Here.. Do you need..a-any help? M-my mom taught me how to...wrap w-wounds..”

“No.” Connor snapped with more hostility than needed and felt his stomach flip in frustration. “ Sorry, just… no” Connor felt terrible but he held his hand out for Evan to place the gauze in his palm. After a moment, Connor moved to grab it from Evan’s trembling fingers, digits brushing against each other and warm tingles flowing through his hand. Evan was staring back at Connor with almost terrified eyes and Connor could only imagine the incredulous look on his face. All of a sudden, Evan coughed and shakily shoved the gauze into Connor’s fingers, shuffling away from his gaze and to sit on the couch.

 

_Wow. That was…._

_Gay._

Awesome.

 

Connor couldn’t help but counter the negative thought with his own positive one and tried to hide a smile as Evan basically breathed faster than normal next to him. If it got worse, he’d intervene but right now he just wanted to bask in the tingles. Evan’s anxiety was the only thing stopping him from reaching over and feeling Evan’s hand again. There was a tingly warmth that came with that touch that caused an exciting, positive, on-edge and jittery feeling

Evan calmed down and was finally focusing on the TV after some unbearable rushes of heat through Connor’s face and body. This seemed to be the perfect time to take off his jacket, since Connor was even hotter than before with flushed and flustered cheeks as an added bonus. He slipped the jacket off silently, making sure Evan didn’t look over as he gently wrapped his whole left forearm. Connor clenched his jaw whenever the fibers caught on a scab or an uneven cut and soon was done, gently tearing the fabric and tucking it under. Now, the right arm was so much more unbearable and tough, especially with trembling fingers.

 

_Stupid left hand._

 

Evan glanced over at sounds of frustration and widened his eyes, looking back to the TV and focusing on it with laser eyes. No way was he going to be rude and stare.

After a few more minutes of listening to an angry Connor, cursing under his breath whenever the ties came undone or something slipped from uncoordinated fingers, Evan looked back to Connor again but made sure his eyes were glued to the other boys face.

 

“I-i.. um- I could a-always help you know but…. Likeyoudontneedtoacceptmyhelpofcourseiwontlookipromise.” Evan felt his anxiety skyrocket in his gut when he saw frustrated eyes meet his timid ones.

Until Connor relaxed slightly, Evan didn’t allow himself to even glance away.

“Yeah. Just.. I’ll keep the inside turned away?”

“Y-Yeah! Yeah. That’ll-... That will w-work! I-i just… Y-you were struggling s-so I-”

“Get over here Hansen.” Connor was watching him with a straight face but Evan sensed some amusement in his voice so he let himself relax at the other’s voice.

“Oh- Uh. Okay..”

 

Evan scooted over on the couch and held his hand out for the gauze, and instead of throwing the roll to Evan, Connor slowly handed it over. Basking in the warm tingly feeling all over again as Evan tensed slightly until Connor withdrew his left hand.

 

“T-tell me if i-its too tight.”

 

Connor simply nodded and relaxed. For some reason he trusted that Evan wouldn’t gawk at his scars or scabs and watched the movie, enjoying it for the uplifting message behind everything. Through everything, the characters still made it through. Though, feeling Evan’s fingers brush against his skin was very distracting and he’d glance down at his arm and then up and at Evan, who’d freak and make sure he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Connor found it weirdly endearing and couldn’t help but let a small smile or smirk cover his lips ever time he needed added reassurance. And. Every. Single. Time. Evan blushed. Evan’s cheeks flushed like he wanted to resemble pink roses. Connor found himself wanting to see more and more of that color. Connor found himself wanting to see gardens filled with that exact shade of pink. Thinking of Evan’s face distracted him from the fact that his first real friend was wrapping up his suicide-attempt scars and self-harm wounds.

 

All too soon, Evan made sure one last time that he had completed the task right before moving the lean back against the couch. Connor couldn’t help but feel giddiness fill his stomach at the thought of Evan not moving away.

 

 _Dude, you cannot be developing a fucking_ **_crush_ ** _on Evan Hansen._

 

And oh, shit. Evan was sipping his tea again, his knee bouncing to the tune of the next song and Connor was stuck in a revelation.

 

_You are fucked._

 

Of course, Connor would have ditched, but it was _Evan_. If Connor left, he’d overanalyze everything. Connor couldn’t do that shit. Which was a pro and a con.

 

He shoved himself into the back of the couch and crossed his arms, zoning out on the TV, or at least trying to. At some parts, it was hard to not hum along or anything, but when Ev started bouncing his leg to the music, or started humming, Connor had the urge to join in. The thing is, in these movies, no matter how stupid you feel later, they get you wanting to sing along.

 

Connor didn’t exactly care for some of them but then they were hit with I’m Still Standing by Elton John and Connor felt his pulse skyrocket at the force to hold back any sort of noise, slowly giving into a hum before he stopped in shock as he saw Evan mumbling the words and a slight smile on his face.

 

Was the cutest thing Connor had ever seen?

Definitely.

 

When did Connor ever use the word, ‘cutest’?

Now.

 

Next thing he knew, the song was over and both of the boys were out of breath after belting out the uplifting words along with the Gorilla on screen, showing that they made it through and they were alive (somehow). Connor didn’t know about Evan but that song was his life force when he was younger.

 

The shock of the moment settled in as Evan’s whole face and neck turned that pink color and Connor let out a breathy laugh, smiling at Evan.

 

“You know Elton John?”

“Of c-course.”

 

They both just stared at the other, small smiles or grins on their faces as they caught their breath.

Soon they lapsed back into silence and watched the rest of the movie, Evan on the corner and Connor laying on the couch on his side, turned to watch the credits roll in the silence.

 

“You have a-an amazing voice.”

 

Connor felt himself jump as the silence shattered and looked over to Evan who was intensely staring at him.

 

“What?”

“Y-You do!”  
“Funny.”

“N-no! I’m serious, Con-connor!” Evan smacked the other boy's leg gently and glared at Connor, Connor glaring back playfully.

“Well fine. If I have an amazing voice than you have an award-winning gold medalist olympics in singing voice.”  
“Connor, I-i don’t think that o-olympics has singing con-contests.”

“Yes it does.”

“N-no!”

“Yes.”

 

____

 

 

After that half-an-hour argument while heating up leftover pizza from the other night, they moved back to the living room. Evan had turned on an old friends episode and sat back down on the couch, but had fallen asleep within second while Connor laid down on the couch, his legs over Evan’s lap.

It took Connor a while to find sleep, although it did come.

When Connor fell asleep that night, no nightmares were to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really like this chapter?  
> sorry its late by a 1 1/2 days lmao  
> writers block and mom stopped me.  
> but i think i like it? they r slowly becoming way more comfortable with each other and i just....cry  
> give me pointers on stuttering and any headcanons. please. i love headcanons. send me them @crossroal on tumblr!!  
> (ALSO DID ANYONE CATCH THE WAVING THROUGH A WINDOW REFERENCE PLZ)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its midnight and you people are lucky i love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> roses are now going to be evans thing for me omg

Connor woke up to the sound of windows closing and then finally opened his eyes to see a blonde woman draping a blanket over Evan gently and kissing his cheek goodnight. He quickly moved to cross his arms over his chest as his breathing rate skyrocketed. The woman looked over at Connor with a small smile, her eyes were so warm and comforting, he found it hard to stay guarded. Her eyes flickered to his arms across his chest and then back up to his eyes, other than a slight flicker of worry, Connor still only saw compassion in her soft earthy eyes. There was no disappointment or anger like he was used to.

 

“I’m Heidi, Evan’s mom...you're Connor right?” Heidi's voice was quiet and cautious, but calming just like her tired eyes and he allowed his shoulders to decompress and his lungs to relax. Evans mom was cool. He could already tell.

“Yeah.. um I can go if y-”

“Oh, no.. honey, it's okay. Just rest and get a good night's sleep. I'll be just down the hall if you need anything.” Connor nodded as he let himself settle back down onto the cushions as she left the lamp near the end of the couch on and turned off the rest of the lights in the house before the house went silent once again. He let his shoulders relax slightly and stared up at the almost invisible ceiling cast in warm, dim light. His eyes traveled around the room, letting himself take in the details of Evan’s home. Connor made sure to not even pay attention to anything when Evan was around since he assumed that Evan’s reaction to Connor’s scrutiny would be negative, and Connor didn’t want to cause any negative emotions in his head.

 

His eyes traveled from the couch to the TV to the coffee table with scratches in the glass and then to Evan. Evan was slouched up into a sitting position, head leaned back over the back of the couch and eyes gently closed. His forehead creases and scrunched eyebrows were non-existent in his sleep and Connor was having an internal battle over if he liked blushing-pink-flowers Evan or the peaceful, healthy, getting-all-the-sleep-he-deserves Evan. His lips were slightly parted and he breathed in and out. In and out. In and out. In and out, but these were calming and slow huffs of O2. Evan always had so much faster, rushed breaths and it was nice to see him relaxed, even if it was only in his slumber. Connor’s eyes traveled down over Evan’s slightly wrinkled t-shirt and to his hands. Both were rested over Connor’s shins on his rough black jeans with the tears and slits across the knees. Zoe made fun of him when he first wore these jeans since it had been a largely female-led trend, and Connor had always been wary of wearing them around the high school. Through all of that stupid teenage insecurity, the fact that Evan was touching these jeans almost erased all of the negativity surrounding the fabric.

 

He smiled slightly at Evan’s hands resting on him and took a breath.

 

 _I’m so fucking gay._ Connor reveled in his thoughts of slight positivity until it was shot down.

 

_Fag._

 

A wince and shut of eyelids.

 

Larry’s voice followed him when he wasn’t even home.

 

Connor opened his eyes to look back at Evan, cast in shadows.

 

He noticed that with the dark that he normally craved, it wasn’t as nice with Evan.

 

Evan’s freckles were harder to see in the dark which was a moral wrongdoing to the rest of the world and he internally cursed the eyelids that hid the gentle and cozy earthy color of the other boy’s eyes with tan brown around the iris and green bordering that was hidden from Connor and the lack of a flustered near-constant blushing warm skin the color of bouquets brides and grooms swoon over on their wedding day.

Connor looked down at his own hands and took a huff of a breath. This crush was bullshit, might as well stomp it into the dust now before he was inevitably abandoned. Sure, Evan was a friend. But who says he’d stick around?

With a frustrated grumble and newfound anger, Connor reached overhead to the dull lamp and clicked the light off.

Everything plunged into darkness, just like his mood, as Connor stared at the ceiling, letting his thoughts run wild as he dozed off into a restless sleep.

 

____

 

He woke up again, around 5:30 AM to the feeling of hands gently moving his legs. Still on the verge of sleep, Connor just groaned and moved slightly, causing Evan to flush and freeze under him.

Evan moved Connor’s legs off of his lap, very slowly, and made himself a cup of tea before sitting on the front steps and watching the sun rise over the trees on the outskirts of town, the blanket he had slept under wrapped around his shoulders tightly.

Connor woke up a few minutes later, unable to fall into a deeper sleep so he just got up and stretched out with a quiet yawn. He grabbed his jacket and moved to pull the sleeves right-side out and was about to pull it on before he nearly had a heart attack at a familiar voice from behind him.

 

“Evan told me a lot about you.”

Connor whipped around and saw Heidi in the kitchen doorway, drinking from a mug.

“He...He did?” Connor inquired, brows scrunched in confusion.

“Yeah… He said that you two were friends and that… you helped him through an attack? That you have helped him a lot?”

Connor had trouble looking away from Heidi’s eyes, they were more demanding than Evan’s ever were.

“I- uh.. Yeah, I guess. I mean it wasn’t really that big of a de-”

“Thank you, Connor..” She had a small smile on her face and looked down at the floor before glancing back up.

“Sure…” Connor spoke slowly, feeling mixtures of frustration, worry, and restlessness.

“He said… that you didn’t want to go home? Over text?” She seemed worried and that exact worry emanated from both her and her son. It unnerved him. Why did they care about him?

“Yeah. Um, my family is just dysfunctional that’s all. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Okay...well you’re welcome here whenever you don’t feel welcome in your own home.” Her eyes traveled down to Connor’s forearms, which were still wrapped in gauze.

“Thank you.” He whispered quietly, fear blooming in his chest at her stares.

“I- um…” Heidi paused, glancing away as Connor moved his arms behind his back quickly. “I’m a nurse… at the emergency clinic... I could take a look at any wounds you have..Or..or wrap them better?”

Connor looked like he had been slapped. His lips were slightly parted and shock was blatant on his face as he choked out an answer.

“Uh…. Um..n-no it’s fine.. Mrs. Hansen.. Where’s Evan?” He felt his pulse race and clenched his fists.

“He’s outside, on the steps watching the sunrise.” Connor nodded at Heidi, who was looking at him with a sad smile. It was nice she didn’t push although he was frustrated that she’d even care.

 

He got up and speed-walked to the door, opening it and closing it behind him quickly. He could feel her eyes on his back the whole trek to the door and he felt like he was going to hurl. His eyes looked out to see a pastel sky spread out over a horizon of hills and trees behind their neighborhoods as he pressed his back to the white door. As he became more aware, he looked down to see a startled Evan clutching a mug and a fluffy blanket curled around his shoulders. Connor met his eyes but looked away quickly before shoving his hoodie on and moving to sit down next to Evan.

 

Surprisingly, Evan was the first to break the silence with a quiet question, “She asked about..th-the… gauze? Or...”

Connor’s eyes flicked over to gaze at Evan who was taking a sip of his steaming drink.

“Uh...yeah.. She seems nice.. I just got…” He was having trouble speaking since he came real close to a scared mess inside, and Evan could obviously read him like a book.

“Flustered?” He supplied that and Connor nodded with a huff.

“Yeah… Um, caught off guard..?” Evan nodded just the same and looked at the sky. “Ev.. why are you out here so early? Don’t you need all the sleep you can get”

“Well.. I-i do this every mo-morning...y’know? M-my….- A doctor recommended m-meditation to me but… I n-need to focus on something to c-calm down? Being alone with my thoughts is… d-dangerous…. S-so I picked this.. It’s v-very pretty.”

Connor nodded and let his stare move to the sky.

“With colors like this...I could look at this sky for forever…”

Evan smiled slightly in agreement.

The two teenage boys lapsed into one of the most comfortable silences of their lives.

 

____

 

After Heidi called them in to get ready for hell/school, Connor thanked Heidi and happily brought Evan to school with more comfortable silence along the way. Whenever Connor looked over at Evan, he felt a smile rise to his lips as the tired teen dozed against the passenger window. When they arrived at school, Connor felt that familiar sensation of claustrophobia as he climbed out of the driver's seat. Even if he was in the football field, alone, Connor would have the gaze and accusations of other cruel children closing in on him like walls.

 

He grabbed his bag from the backseat and pulled it over his head. Connor looked over to Evan who had just closed the passenger door. Evan was so obviously on edge that he jumped when the car beeped once locked. Connor stared at Evan in worry and the other boy looked up with a flushed face and nervousness permeating the air he breathed. Evan gripped at his backpack straps and moved to walk towards the school next to each other.

 

“You o-okay?”

“No.”

“A-are you going to stay t-the night again?”

“I dont know yet.”

Evan nodded and looked at him.

“I-if it’s any con-consolation, I don’t think… I don’t think anyone here is okay..”

“Thanks.” Connor glanced over to Evan and took a long breath with a subtle smirk.

 

They both just stole awkward glances at the other as they came up to the doors, Connor pushed it open and held it open for behind him. He watched Evan walk through and come to his side again. Ev looked up to Connor and opened his mouth to speak but flinched back at the sound of the shrill yell of the second Murphy sibling. Connor whipped his head up from the shaking Evan to Zoe who was stomping towards him. She came to stand a few feet away from him and crossed her arms. Her defiant glare and annoyed expression caused frustration and anger to flare up and his eyes became cold.

 

“What do you want, Zoe?”

“I want to know why you ditched me at home and then sped off to go get high! We...Mom and Dad were…well.. Dad was fuming, but Connor, Mom was a wreck! She was scared you... “ Zoe’s gaze softened slightly and she dropped her arms.

“That I tried to off myself again? No. Sorry, I’m alive much to everyone's disappointment,” He saw Evan flinch at those words out of the corner of his eye,“Why do you people care?” Connor bit at her, taking a menacing step forward and clenching his fists. He watched as Zoe stepped back 2 steps per his one. Her worried glances at his fists caused him to stop and relax his hands. He couldn’t scare her more. He can’t hurt her.

“Because… We’re family..?” Zoe supplied cautiously.

“You think that...having the same last name makes you people all of a sudden my most important relationsh-”

“Evan...are you okay?” Zoe had directed her view to the slightly shaking and worried boy glancing back and forth between the dueling siblings.

“You scared the shit out of him when you came down the hall yelling like a mania-” Connor accused that with a harsh but quiet tone.

“Were you bullying him?! I saw you push him a few days ago! Are you really stooping that lo-” Zoe advanced a few steps towards Connor, ferocity palpable in the air between the two until Evan butted in.

“No! No….no. I-i.. We...Um...Connor and I..we’re fr-friends..? H-he stayed the ni-night at my….home.. Um..last night?” Evan was shaking like a leaf, pulling on the hem of his light green polo and face the picture of flustered as he looked at Zoe.

“ _What?!”_ Zoe had the audacity to laugh at that statement and Connor narrowed his eyes at her, causing her to wipe the smile off of her face to replace it with a smirk. “Wow. I never thought that my psychotic brother would make a friend...especially the most polite person in school.”

Evan looked annoyed. Connor could see it on his face. They both were annoyed. Just about different things.

“H-he isn’t psychotic.” “He’s not polite.”

They both looked at each other before back to Zoe who looked like she had been shocked with actual electricity.

“This is too much for 7 AM… Evan, are you free tonight?” Zoe asked him gently and he nodded, looking up to Connor with a quizzical stare.

“What are you doing?” Connor narrowed his eyes and clenched his teeth.

“I’m just asking an innocent question. Expect a call from Mom.” Zoe smiled slightly and turned to stride away.

 

Evan watched her leave, eyes wide and whole face red. Connor was fuming as he held his hands in fists in his pockets.

“Are you okay? You were shaking pretty bad when she popped up.” Connor ground the words out, trying to direct any annoyance into energy to try and be good.

Evan nodded, still shaking but much less and the redness was gone from his face almost completely.

“Do you think that you’ll survive today?” Connor asked gently and Evan smiled slightly with a shrug.

“W-we’ll see right?”

Connor smirked and nodded, looking down at the pink-rosy-cheeks-that-he-would-die-for Evan Hansen and feels a peculiar calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >was that fluffy enough?  
> > i'm exhausted and injured from running too much and now i will sleep  
> >goodnight  
> >enjoy this because in about a week, you'll be crying (if my writing is any good.)


	11. Chapter 11

They both somehow got through the day and Connor could only notice how much more fidgety Evan was since their English class. As the brown-eyed boy walked up to his car, Connor only saw a portion of his face and he was gazing at the ground.

“Get out of your head dude. I’ll drive you home?”

 

Evan looked up at his concerned and stern tone of voice with worried eyes but resorted to nodding instead of speaking out loud as he walked to the passenger door and opened it before sliding into the seat. Connor moved to sit next to him and watched intently as Evan seemed like he wanted to destroy his shirt. He took a huge breath and reached over, placing his hand over Evans balled up and fidgeting fingers. He felt Evan jump and heard the huge inhale.

 

“Calm down dude...What’s up with you?”

“I-i..just...I don’t feel good.” Evan glanced over at him before back down to their hands with a flush of pink in his face and neck.

“Like sick? You do look kinda red..” Connor commented with a small smirk. Evan caught the jab and blushed deeper.

“I’m always red. Just… let’s go,” Evan claimed with an exhausted comment.

 

With a nod, Connor decided to drop it and let Evan be as he pulled his hand back to start the car, yearning for the warm hands right when he pulled back. As they drove to Evan’s house, Connor could help but notice how out of it Evan was as he gazed out of the passenger door window. When they pulled up to his house, Connor parked and opened his door, only taking his phone with while Evan got out with his backpack and walked up to the front door with Connor trailing behind him. He grabbed a spare key from under a rose bush and unlocked the door as Connor noted where the spare keys were kept. Just in case, he told himself to try and keep the voice back that told him how creepy he was being today.

 

_ What creep needs to know how to get into their crushes/friends house  _ **_with a key_ ** _? _

 

Hell if Connor knew, but he couldn’t help but feel comforted by knowing how to get to the only place he felt safe. Whenever he stepped in, Connor felt the tension ease from his shoulders and any held in breaths release.

 

Connor turned the ringer on his phone before setting it on the kitchen counter and following Evan to his room. Evan wasn’t thinking much of Connor following, probably due to more nerve-wracking events on his mind. When Evan opened the door, Connor discovered the room to be so expected. It was so  _ Evan,  _ and he couldn’t help but let on a small smirk at the sight.

 

Light gray walls with the exception of one sky blue accent wall surrounded him. With a large window, it let bright light in and lit up the room in such a calming way. In an open closet, there was a dresser with a multitude of candles burned down in various amounts. His bed was made with a range of gray sheets and blankets and a lamp sat next to it with a mini bookshelf which was stuffed with books in any gaps available. On the windowsill sat a few potted plants that he was sure Evan would gush to him about later, he’d have to remember to ask what they were just so he could feel that rush of a blush after realizing how much he admires Evan’s...voice, rambles, stutters...or really anything. Those thoughts raced through his brain and he felt his face redden with a warm flush that spread through his body, causing his stomach to flip as he looked over to Evan who was taking his phone out and texting his mother, Connor assumed. Evan looked up to find Connor’s eyes and flushed the deep pink which only caused his stomach to flip even more.

 

“So… I like your room..”

“Oh? Um… T-thanks. It’s kinda plain..”

“No.. no I like it, it’s so…  _ you _ .” Evan had obviously caught the emphasis on that last word and only flushed more and Connor felt his face go hot. Did he really just say that? “Uh… Did you want to go over to my house now?”

A simple shrug.

“If you don’t want to go, Evan, you don’t need to…” Connor spoke sternly and heard some harshness bleed from his frustrations with Zoe into his words. “We could ditch?”

Evan shook his head and sighed.   
“No.. I-i.. just.. You know…”

“What?”

“I don’t know.. How this works?”

 

Oh right. They both had no idea how this works. Why would they? It’s been at least 5 years since he introduced someone to his family and he had no idea how long for Evan. The last time was a complete disaster. He had invited his first crush over because wasn’t that what you do when you’re crushing on a cute boy at 12 years old? Isn’t that what you do when you want them to like you too? Connor resorted to just balling his fists up at his side and focusing on the feeling of his tight hands instead of how Larry had said ‘I won’t have a fag for a son’ that night in a warning like that was a normal thing for old white dads to say. Since then all he could hear was that  _ word _ whenever he caught himself gazing at Evan or any other boy he thought was cute. Any other boy he hoped might  _ fix _ him. But then again, no one could fix this mess, they could only numb it.

Connor came back out of his head to see Evan staring at his fists and he felt his throat clamp up. Slowly releasing them, he spoke softly and with a subtle undertone of anger.

“Me neither.” With a scoff, he added,”They probably think you’re just another drug dealer that I called my friend as a cover up when they came over. Don’t sweat it, as long as you don’t smell like weed they’ll love you.”

Evan nodded slightly and Connor couldn’t help but let himself relax. He couldn’t have a bad night tonight. Only good impressions.

“Let’s go get through this, okay?” Connor inquired as he attempted to be reassuring, to both himself and Evan.

 

Evan only slightly nodded before walking forward to follow Connor. On the way out he grabbed his phone and exited the house, feeling his stress skyrocket as he climbed into his car and watched Evan walk around the front of the vehicle to sit next to him.

They sat there, looking at the clock on the radio and just gazing as they both became more anxious and jumpy. It was Evan who spoke up with panic obvious.

 

“Lets go get this over with?” He ended the sentence with a higher tone of voice, and Connor wished it was an actual question.

“I’d rather ditch, but sure, let’s humor them.” Connor gave up on resistance as he pulled from the driveway as he drove towards his house and felt the walls slowly rise as he saw the familiar house.

 

After a few minutes of unlucky green lights, they arrived and Connor felt dread simmer in his gut and felt his pulse race and slight queasiness at the thought of Larry even looking at Evan. Evan should never have to meet Larry. Never.

“Connor?” Evan’s voice spoke up timidly as his hand moved to tap Connor’s shoulder across the center console of the clunky car. Connor jumped and looked over, feeling the warmth from Evan’s hand through his hoodie and relaxing slightly.

“Hm?”

“Y-you...Well you zoned out..” Evan spoke with concern plain in his irises and the frown line between his eyebrows.

“Yeah. I was. Just… come on.” Connor didn’t have the guts to say  _ oh I just thought that my dad doesn’t have the right to meet you since my gay ass is overprotective of the cute boys that I bring over _ .

 

Connor turned the car off and exited the vehicle, letting Evan trail behind him as he walked up to his house and opened the door quickly. He felt Evan’s eyes on his shoulders and couldn’t help but think of the sorry sight that was him. Connor’s shoulders clenched tight at the sound of his parent's voices in the kitchen and his fists clenched around his bookbag strap so hard that Evan could probably assume there would be bruises later judging by the ghost white flesh around his knuckles on his right hand. Connor didn’t take off his boots here, which Evan assumed was a subtle act of retaliation, and Evan was witnessing his whole demeanor changing.

 

“Connor?” Cynthia’s voice called from the kitchen and she walked over to the entryway with a small smile on her face. “Did you bring your new friend?”

 

With a huff, Connor felt his shoulders slightly relax.

_ Shes just trying to be friendly. Just attempting some sort of normalcy with her psycho son. _

“Yes. Ma, this is Evan. Ev, this is Cynthia. Cool. Follow me, Evan.” Connor spoke with boredom plain and nonchalance as he watched as Evan shakily waved, obviously not moving forward to shake hands, Connor noticed with a small smirk as his eyes flicked down to Evan’s hands.

_ Sweaty hands. _

Evan said a small ‘Hello’ before following Connor through the large house and up to his room. He opened the door, let Evan in and then closed it quickly behind him before Larry or Zoe could sense his dark presence and attack.

 

“S-she seemed…”

“Like a stereotypical American mother?”

“- nice?” Evan offered as he stared at the ground, fiddling with his cast and wiping his hands on his pants every once in awhile.

“She tries, I guess.” Connor relented in the negativity towards his mother. She does try. It doesn’t work. It won’t ever, but at least she cares enough to attempt to fix the mess that is her son. He looked back to Evan and noticed his eyes traveling over his walls and desk and the mess that was his room.

“It’s really…-”

“Gross? Dark?”

With a small sigh of annoyance at being cut off, Evan continued after Connor’s butt-in comment, “Calming?”

“ _ What? _ ” Connor had to stifle a small chuckle at the observation and he caught the blush of pink in Evan’s cheeks at being called out. He felt his eyes studying the color and trying to memorize it and caught himself before it became too creepy.

 

_ Fag. _

 

Fuck off, Larry.

 

“N-no… The gray walls are calming… and… Um, the lights… they are like low and warm…?” Evan observed and tried to say what he felt when he entered the room. He smelled weed obviously and some sort of metallic, irony smell that he could place but didn’t want to think about but citrus overpowered it all. Orange, lemon, and lime all bombarded his nose and he could smell peppermint in the background. It smelled like him, and Evan wanted a candle in this scent. “A-and it smells good…like lemons and limes and oranges…” He added and Connor nodded slightly.

“Yeah. I guess. My mom got me an oil diffuser since my room stunk… I just forget to turn it on… I think she turns it on while I’m gone if it smells like weed..” He moved over to his bed and plopped down onto the edge, crossing his arms and taking a long breath. 

“S-so…. What do you want to d-do?” Evan spoke, still seemingly interested in studying the Arctic Monkeys and Twenty One Pilots posters on his drab walls.

“Well, I need to redo my nails. So I could do that and then we could just talk?” Connor spoke softly, holding his hand out in front and observed the chipped black nails where it was almost all peeled off.

“W-well… do you like doing your nails? Like… is it nice?” Evan asked as he walked over to sit next to Connor who patted the spot on the bed next to him.

With a shrug, Connor began to get rid of the last black lacquer before standing and moving over to his desk and retrieving his most used bottle of black nail polish.

“I mean.. It's calming? I don’t want to mess up when I do paint them…. So sometimes I paint them when I can’t sleep or… when I’m kinda pissed. It’s simple.” Connor answered as he stared at his bare nails before adding on, “And.. I used to pick at them when I was at school so Zoe… Zoe taught me.” With a small smile at the memory of him almost spilling the bottle on himself and his first attempt causing almost his whole fingertips to be painted black.

Evan nodded and watched as he painted the first few nails in captivated silence.

“I-I’d probably pick it all off.. I-if I ever painted my nails… a-and I’m just not that...brave?” Evan mused with a slight frown. Connor glanced up to see the small downturn of lips before looking back down to the task at hand.

“Eh, I mean I pick mine off when I get flustered or stressed out, and...Thanks? It really isn’t bravery. It’s more defiance against my very heterosexual white father.” Connor cracked a small smirk as he looked up to see a subtle quirk of Evan’s lips.

“W-well then that’s a good facade,” Evan added in his two cents while watching him paint his nails. When he got done with the last few nails, he sat with his head back against his door and his eyes closed as he waved his hands around in the air for a few minutes. Noticing the silence, Connor opened his eyes to see Evan zoning out and staring at his face. At the intense focus on varying parts of his face, but mostly his eyes and chapped lips, Connor blushed under the scrutiny and cleared his throat, causing Evan to jump physically and into stutters.

 

_ That pink blush… _

 

“Uh… Um, I-i just… I n-never noticed your eyes. They look good. But… Uhm I j-just noticed you know the cool coloring and I just- They’recoolanduniqueandIjustsorryIwasstaringit’sjusttheyrereallyprett-”

“Boys!” Cynthia’s voice called up from the downstairs and Evan was frozen in what could be fear or embarrassment or panic or anything really, He was hard to read while his eyes darted anywhere but Connor.

 

_ Did Evan fucking Hansen just call...your...eyes...pretty? _

 

While Evan was panicking, Connor was frozen, unsure if his mouth was open or closed and shock was blatant as he tried to process what had just happened. Was he dreaming? This had to be some sort of dream because Evan Hansen complimented him. His eyes were all of a sudden a crazy interest and he wanted to run to the mirror in the bathroom to study what caused Evan Fucking Hansen to compliment  _ Connor Fucking Murphy. _

 

“Boys!! Dinner!” Evan’s eyes darted to the door above Connor’s head with a deep breath. Connor was slowly pulled back to reality at the second yell and Evan’s eyes met up with his own.

“Connor.. I-i uhm-”

“Just… breathe.” With a glare directed his way, Connor couldn’t help the smirk come to his face at the sassy Hansen sitting in front of him. No wonder he hates that, probably having been told that a million times by Jared in the last week. “Sorry.. Just… We’ll be fine.” Connor grunted as he pushed himself up off the floor and Evan shakily stood, his hands shuddering in fists as Connor could almost see the over analyzation. He opened the door and walked out, probably still flushed at the unexpected and undeserving compliment from his develo- no. From his full-fledged gay ass crush on his only friend. Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AO3 IS FUCKING UP MY NOTES THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME WRITING THESE ASFGHJKL  
> OKAY i LOVE YOU ALL BUT ARGH ArCHIVE WHAT THE FUCK  
> i kno this is like five days late and chapter 12 is already a day late asghjk kill me  
> but like writers block, depression, and anxiety were all like 'go take a bath in your own tears because all those nice comments are honestly them just mocking you'  
> yeah this fourth of july fucking sucked ass  
> love mental illness!!  
> LIKE COMMENT AND SMASH THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON BECAUSE I NEED VALIDATION AS A MENTALLY ILL ALMOST-ADULT


	12. Chapter 12

Connor pulled the chair away from the table quickly, causing it to screech against the floor, and sat down with a huff as Evan did the same action, though with shaking hands, heavy breaths and slow, cautious movements as if he was being hunted.

 

_Accurate._

 

When the gluten-free spaghetti was set in the center of the table, Connor couldn’t help but narrow his eyes before smirking at Zoe who was staring at the bowl like it was an alien.

 

_Again, very accurate._

 

“Serve yourselves up!” Cynthia exclaimed with a smile but eyes that showed worry as she looked over the tense family room.

When no one moved to take food from the bowl, Connor sighed and reached over, grabbing the bowl and serving himself a small serving before handing it to Evan. His eyes zeroed in on the shuddering kitchen tongs that were only causing Evan’s shaking to be even more apparent. He passed it across to Zoe before it went to the two parents that were now seated and sipping their shitty wine. Connor had tried it. It was shit.

 

“So...boys..How did you two meet?” Cynthia inquired before she took a small bite of the spaghetti and a sip of the wine.

Connor looked over to see Evan’s face pale.

“W-well… I- uhm..-”

“Book report. We were just paired up in English a few days ago.” Connor filled in and he looked from Cynthia to Larry and then Evan who shot him a thankful look.

“Son, your mother asked Evan,” Larry spoke like he was bored with this and Connor couldn't help but glower at his shitty father before taking a bite of his spaghetti. Silence fell over the dining room as they ate but Connor spotted the wheels turning in Zoe’s head and he couldn’t help but internally panic as Zoe spoke with her im-going-to-fuck-up-your-lie look.

“Wait.... Evan, didn’t Connor shove you to the ground on the first day of school?” Zoe asked with a feigned innocent look, causing Connor to dismiss any resolutions to be better to his sister and felt his fists clench as the two parents practically exploded. Causing Evan to jump out of his seat as he shrunk.

“Connor! Is this true?!” Cynthia asked with a concerned frown on her face while Larry fumed.

“Son, answer your mother!”

With a roll of his eyes, he looked to Evan who was staring at his shaking hands in his lap which was bouncing due to his knees going up and down quickly. Connor moved to tell Zoe to just fuck off but he heard Evan’s careful voice speak up shakily.

“C-Connor… and I… we just had a misunderstanding! I-it w-wasn’t a big deal. I-i deserved it. He d-did nothing wrong, Mrs. Murphy…” Evan was leaning towards Cynthia in his seat and Connor felt the glare from Zoe. He could feel the unfulfilled bitchiness in her narrowed eyes directed at his face and then Evan.

“Why did he push you?” She asked, trying to rile Connor up.

He could feel the anger rising as he put the force into his fists clutching his seat under him. Connor opened his mouth to speak up for himself.

"Hey-"

“Connor, let Evan answer.” Connor narrowed his eyes at Larry across the table while shrinking in size at his father's rough voice as he heard Evan’s sharp breaths beside him.

“I-i coughed? B-but it sounded like a l-laugh? One of my..- Another student called Connor… something really rude and I just… I-i sounded like I laughed? B-but C-Connor apologized! S-so it’s okay!” Evan was close to having a fucking breakdown and Connor held back any anger for his fucking sake.

“Jesus. Can you people stop drilling him?” He asked with venom obvious but the three family members were staring at Evan with an incredulous expression, “Guys?!”

“Connor…” Zoe's eyes darted between the two before continuing, “Apologized?”

Connor scoffed at the surprise in Zoe's voice as Evan nodded. Throwing his body back against the back of the chair as the tension seeped away.

"Funny how when people are nice to me, I don't treat them like shit." He spoke with accusation plain in his voice. Everyone except for Evan ignored the comment in their utter shock.

“Well… Evan, what did the other boy call Connor?” Larry asked, looking at Connor, who currently was shooting daggers through his pupils at his father, before moving to look back to Evan with a stern expression.

“Uhm… ‘School shooter’? I-it was totally out of place a-and I didnt….laugh...” Evan trailed off in surprise at the relaxed, subtle amusement from Larry after being told the terrible things his son was called at school.

Larry’s shoulders relaxed and he chuckled slightly before jabbing Connor's weaknesses with a small smug smirk.

“What did I tell you, Connor? That’s what happens when you wear those clothes and let your hair grow so long. Evan didn’t deserve that.” Larry’s voice felt like needles in his chest and hurt his ears.

An awkward silence fell over the dinner table as everyone ate. Except for the two boys. Connor wasn't hungry, his stomach was turning too much, and Evan looked pissed. He was shaking slightly less but his eyebrows were furrowed as he lowered his gaze from Larry to his food on his plate.

“What book are you two reporting on?” Cynthia asked, obviously trying to be a slight buffer between her other three family members.

“T-the Outsiders. We both liked it so...i-it was easier than picking a book we’d never read before.” Evan spoke up instead of Connor, and honestly, he was infinitely grateful because he didn’t want to take the harsh words on his tongue and throw them at his mother. She was trying to have this not be a complete disaster.

Connor nodded beside him and took a sip of his water as he watched Larry open his fucking mouth again.

“Next time, Connor, you should pick a different book? Being braver and trying to expand your horizons more might aid your grades.” Larry spoke like he had no clue how his words caused Connor’s lungs to compress and frustration in his gut.

Evan tensed and Connor narrowed his eyes at the jabs.

“Well, _Larry,_ we were told to pick a book we fucking knew something about.” Connor’s breaths were rushing out slightly faster and he forced his nails to dig into his palms painfully, grounding his thoughts until he felt a clammy palm take ahold of his wrist. Warmth spread up his arm and he felt like he was given the ability to breathe again as he looked over to Evan with a surprised look on his face.

“M-Mr. Murphy, I don’t know if t-this is normal, for people to care w-what you say? Or call you on it?” Evan paused as Larry looked up with confusion clouding his face and Connor felt the grip on his wrist tighten as Connor gazed at Evan, “B-but Connor is the bravest person I h-have ever met a-and I think i-if you don’t see t-that, you just don’t want to try that h-hard.”

The poor kid was shaking and speaking with tremors in his voice, but he sounded so sure to Connor and that stopped him in his normal, regularly traveled path of anger. He just felt warm and a flush rising up to his face as everyone at the table froze and stared at Evan. The stroke of courage had left and now he was shuddering more at everyone's eyes analyzing him and picking him apart.

Zoe’s eyes were almost popping out of her head as she looked from Evan to Larry. Speaking of, Larry was frozen and his eyes were narrowed for he knew he was just called on his shit. Cynthia was shocked but looked like she was beaming with pride as she let her eyes look to Connor’s with a tight-lipped smile on her face.

“Well! That was great. Evan, are you done?” A shaky nod and exhale of breath from the boy to his left, “Okay. Well, Hansen and I will be up in my room if any of you want to… come congratulate him for absolutely fucking killing Larry.” Connor was still shocked but he was amused at the confusion, surprise, and anger on his father’s face that he couldn’t help but make an ode to that as he laced his fingers through Evans before they escaped the hilariously tense room.

 

____

 

“T-they’re going to hate me! Connor, H-how are y-you always so out-outspoken?!” Evan wheezed out as he paced slightly. His hands trembled as he ran them down his face. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to focus on a bit more efficient breathing techniques but that only stressed him out more, causing his hands to come up over his eyes as he felt his lungs burning as tears welled in his eyes.

Connor had been trying to reassure Evan that honestly, this wasn’t a big deal, even though he knew it was. Larry was now vulnerable and would think about what he said. That was huge and fucking _amazing_ but Evan obviously was only thinking about the focus on him in the dining room. He saw Evan cover his eyes and noticed his breathing get even more erratic and heard actual wheezes and could only think a panic attack is about to fuck shit _up_. So he swooped from his bed over to Evan and felt himself shake. He didn’t know what he was fucking doing, he didn’t know how to fucking help Evan with his attack. All he knew is that they hurt a fuck load. So all he really knew to do was to get him sitting and warm and in a calming environment. Connor went off of that and slowly eased Evan to sit on his bed. Evan immediately curled up and pressed his face into his knees as he tried to breathe. Connor simply moved to rub Evan’s back and after a good five minutes of straight wheezes and hiccups, he felt Evan slowly breathe a little easier and his body relax. The thing was, sitting so statically for more than a few minutes was uncomfortable for most people. Due to that, Evan was now slowly picking his head up from his knees and finding Connor with his back against the wall and his arm around Evan as he rubbed his back, the taller boy humming lowly and skimming his brain for more possible ways to calm Evan down.

When he felt Evan slowly relax, Connor moved to sit up a bit more and continued rubbing the plane of his back.

“Are... are you okay?” He was genuinely concerned. Connor knew how they felt like they lasted forever and knew how they burned and made you feel like you were legitimately dying. He had tons last year while he was in the rehab center for the required three days after his first suicide attempt.

Connor only received a small nod as Evan sniffled and brought his hands up to wipe at his nose and eyes with his back to Connor.

“T-t-thank you…” Evan shakily spoke and inhaled a sharp breath before letting himself relax against the taller boys hand.

“I really should be thanking you. You stood up to my asshole of a father and… probably… hopefully, are causing him to rethink himself? I doubt it though.” Connor felt worry twist in his chest as Evan didn’t turn to face him, so he continued. “But.... hey… if someone isn't going to like you, let it be Larry. You should’ve seen my mom's face. She looked so proud… of you, I think already? She loves you… “

A watery chuckle escaped Evan and Connor smiled warmly as he still tried to calm the shaking with the gentle rubbing circular motion, but Evan didn’t tell him to stop, so he just kept attempting to be soothing as his arm burned from the repeated action for the last five minutes.

 

He would rub Evan’s back for another 500 years if Evan asked him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowza  
> that was my favorite chapter to write  
> can you tell I updated a fucking day early wtf when does that even happen  
> this was so easy to write  
> I FUCKING HATE LARRY  
> now that that is out of my system... i love all of you  
> those comments on the last chapter caused me to cry myself a bath of my own tears. but this time it was the happy shit. i love all of you and all of you are fucking blessings.  
> my family is now forcing me to be social  
> help me  
> also, all of you are beautiful, loved, cherished and important. please believe me. you are very special and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. i love all of you. please be safe.


	13. Chapter 13

When Connor woke up the next day, the previous 10 hours came rushing back and he felt surprise wash over his emotions for the second time. He would’ve never thought Evan would...could do that. Stand up to his dad and make Connor feel elated  _ at the same time _ . 

Though with Evan, Connor found himself slowly but increasingly ready to get to school just to see someone that cared. Connor knew it was just a distraction. He knew he’d have a really bad day or week or month soon but it was hard to not revel in the pleasure of relaxing. As he looked down at his bed and saw a pair of legs next to his, he almost jumped before remembering how the rest of the night had gone.

Last night, Evan completely passed out after calming down to back rubs or maybe some singing and then fell asleep with his head on Connor's shoulder. Connor, of course, didn’t have the heart to wake him while non-creepily staring at his peaceful face for a few moments. He did end up fall asleep to that lovely visage and he’d never slept better. For those beautiful two hours, Connor was actually at peace. Sure, he wasn’t conscious, but it was peaceful and refreshing.

He was woken up by Cynthia checking to see when Evan needed to go home. Knowing Evan would be in a panic if he knew he had fallen asleep on Connor, he decided to simply pull away while supporting Evan’s head and shoulder as he lowered the other boy fully to the mess of covers. After Evan was situated, Connor walked to his window and slid it open, the room slowly cooling down and the smell of teenage boys flushed out and replaced with cool, autumn air. He looked over from the outside darkness to an old, buzzing smartphone next to Evan on the bed. In fear of the other boy waking from his peaceful stupor at the vibrations, Connor darted forward and grabbed the phone, silencing the buzzing with a quick press on the bottom of the volume button at the side. He looked down to see a message from ‘Mom’ and looked over to Evan’s sleeping form and couldn’t help as his cheeks grew warm as he found himself gazing again.

Connor opened the message and read carefully before responding and letting Heidi know that Evan was safe and asleep, to which she replied to just let him sleep and thanked Connor for caring.

Connor exited out of the messaging chat and saw Jared had sent a message as well, his aggravating face as the avatar for his profile. He would’ve put the phone down if the message prompt wouldn’t have had his name as a key detail.

Clicking into the text as guilt rushed through him, he read Jared’s text to be ‘careful around that murphy kid anyways. He might not be the best first dude to be invested in.’ With his interest piqued, Connor scrolled up a few texts and saw a conversation that he probably never should’ve snuck up on.

 

_ Evan is bi?! _

 

Ignoring the flutter of hope in his chest and the confusion in his brain at Jared’s implications, Connor quickly clicked out and locked the screen as he placed the phone back down near Evan on his bed.

He backed up slightly and ran a hand through his hair as his mind raced with tons of possibilities. Connor knew it was stupid to get any hopes up since Jared had a helluva point. If Evan wanted to date a guy, He was definitely the wrong choice. Every time he would always be a bad decision. 

Self-deprecation, hope and pure confusion at why Connor had even been brought up in their chat was running amuck and causing his stomach to turn as he exited his room quietly before making his way to the kitchen to brew some coffee. Looking at the bright green clock on the stove, Connor deemed midnight an acceptable time for the caffeinated drink.

Soon he was sitting on the floor with a large mug in his hands, the sliding door opened and his legs outside but body on the hardwood in the dining room. Connor tilted his chin back while sipping at the black liquid and gazed outside, he felt himself slightly calm down as he tried to sort through his thoughts.

So, Evan was bisexual? Or questioning? Connor’s gay ass brain couldn’t help but automatically jump at the excitement of another LGBTQ+ person joining the cute guys TM community but even more so at the thought of Evan accepting him. Only Zoe and his mom knew he was gay but only because they caught him making out once with his young crush in the other kid’s car after a crappy middle school grad party. Connor also was gay as all hell for Evan but that didn’t matter because Connor is Connor and Connor Murphy is fucked up and would never let anyone close enough that they could get hurt beyond recognition. As cliche as that sounds, it was all he could think about. Connor felt so many things for Evan but fear was one of them. Fear of messing anything between them up. Terrified worry that Evan would ditch when Connor let him in. Or that Connor would hurt Evan, Connor didn’t see a possibility for him leaving the anxiety-riddled young man unless the other wanted it and Connor did see that as a huge possibility.

 

_ Because nobody wants him. _

 

He knew that he had been sitting there sipping for a long while and just thinking things over and trying to figure himself out when he heard a creak on the stairs while taking a drink of his cold coffee. Turning his body to look, he saw a shorter figure wrapped in a familiar blanket.

Already having the feeling it was Evan, his suspicions were confirmed at the groan of annoyance when he accidentally hit a light switch and got blinded by the overhead fan as he got to the base of the stairs. It wouldn't wake anyone up, but Connor still flinched at the light being turned on so late in the dining room. Evan was rubbing his eyes and taking a breath as he moved to try and find a cup of water.

 

“Hansen?” Connor immediately regretted speaking up as he saw the young man jump and stumble to turn towards his voice, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders tighter and his eyes widening to the size of saucers. When Evan did see Connor sitting by the sliding door he let out a slight sigh of relief and flushed.

“S-sorry I turned on the- Did I-I wake you?” Evan asked, staring at Connor with worry in his irises.

“Oh.. Oh no, Evan I just… had trouble sleeping?”

“O-oh I just… Y-you could’ve kicked m-me out? Or sent me home a-after…?” Evan trailed off with a yawn, shifting his weight.

“No.. dude you were exhausted and… honestly, I don’t know if I could do that to you after you gave me a shred of hope with my family. Are you trying to get water?” Evan nodded as Connor stood, bringing his mug to fill it with hot coffee and pulling a glass out to hand it to Evan.

“S-so do you always come down here when you can’t sleep? And sit in the doorway?” Evan showed actual interest in Connor and it just caused him to flutter slightly inside.   
“Yeah… I just…. Outside is peaceful and quiet. It helps me think things through? I normally only come down here when I need to think.” Connor answered timidly, his eyes shifting to look at Evan as he walked back to where he was sitting before, the other boy following and sitting next to him, nodding in understanding.

“I… I guess it is pretty peaceful..” Evan observed quietly, his eyes gazing out at the quiet night sky. The 1 AM autumn air chilly but not stone cold freezing like in the winter. “D-do you want to share the blanket? It’s kinda cold. Or I c-can go back upstairs i-if you want to think more?”

“Uh.. Sure.. to the first thing.” Connor felt awkward as his long arm came around to wrap the extra blanket fabric around his own shoulders. 

 

The two boys were pushed closer as they looked outside, shoulders bumping and fingers brushing as they shuffled closer in the cold breeze. A sudden flash of heat erupted in Connor’s face and neck and body, his eyes darting over to glance at Evan as he flinched his hand away from the other boy’s touch. Evan seemed like he had felt the same heat as he jumped and almost spilled some water on himself as his gaze flickered over with pink cheeks, but Connor couldn’t focus on that. All he saw was Evan’s deep brown eyes that could only be described to be the opposite of dirty or dull and couldn’t help the comfort at the sight of warm chocolate brown that caused goosebumps to show all over his arms and legs. The hairs rising on his arms as he blushed and turned his head to look back into the night. Now, the cold air only felt like it was trying to douse the intense, heated, possibly gay stare between the two young men.

The two just peered out at the night sky and watched the stars as they kept warm with the blanket wrapped around their shoulders, both overthinking everything that had just transpired. Soon enough though, Connor felt himself dozing off. Eyelids drooping and face relaxing as he slumped over onto Evan’s shoulder. 

Connor could only vaguely feel the quiet whispers as Evan helped his half-asleep mess of a teen up into a slouched stand and forced him to make his way towards the stairs across the dining room. When Connor almost fell forward and hurt himself, Evan caught him before his face could collide with the wood stairs and opted to pick Connor up instead. At the sensation of being cradled, Connor just curled closer, his face pressed into warm skin, as Evan’s face, no doubt, burned with a tomato blush. After being helped into his bed, Connor passed out immediately and Evan soon after at the foot of the bed after making sure that Connor wasn’t too hot or too cold. 

If you asked them, both boys would say without hesitation that they had someone who might care, for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +okay im assuming you people like this because i like this one more than my last few. its gay af so i mean everyone will squeal  
> +hopefully  
> +also pinterest is my gay inspiration  
> +the otp writing prompts made me update a day early because im so excited for the boys to become officially gay(tm)  
> +this slow burn thing is painful  
> +and although this slow burn thing might be slow burn for you, the boys have literally only known each other for two weeks i think so this is all v gay v fast  
> +ASDFGHJKL i love all of you and reading your comments... agh. i cry almost every time and screenshot them all while squealing to my best friend who doesnt like DEH about them  
> +also dont hate on my girl, we all have preferences and she has this weird one where she isnt completely OBSESSED about deh. it cool we all different'  
> +but also, girl wtFFFF  
> +okay wow ranting, fun. i feel like this was pretty realistic and showed some major char development because con is becoming more comfortable around our smol been  
> +also I COULDVE MADE CON MURMUR AND TECHNICALLY KIDD EVANS NECK WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP BUT I HELD BACK BUT THEY WILL BE SUCKERS FOR THE NECK KISSES  
> +bcuz all i want are neck kisses but i am a touch starved bi depressed child  
> +on that note hmu on tumblr @crossroal wink wonk  
> +im kidding  
> +am i?  
> +sorry im tired but ily sleep well and stay safe i love alllll of you come talk if you need anyone  
> +also lets swap headcanons!


	14. Chapter 14

The next two weeks had passed by faster than any other in Connor’s pessimistic head. They had gotten an A on the English project and even though he was happy about having an A in his class, that mere letter became unimportant when he soaked up the beaming smiles from his project partner during their celebratory late night ice cream run that night.

“I can’t believe that you chose chocolate,” Connor smirked as he leaned against the side of his car, “You could have chosen Peppermint! Or Pineapple Mango. Or even their Brownie Fudge!” Connor shook his head as he slipped a bite of his Lemonade ice cream into his mouth. He noticed Evan’s eyes light up in slight defiance at the jab against his decision.

“H-hey! Chocolate is s-so underrated! Don’t b-bash simplicity.” Evan shot back, his lips fighting a smile and voice firm though amused at the stupid, short bicker.

Connor couldn’t help but bask in the complete perfection of the day. Sure, the morning had been pretty shitty with his head just non stop rattling off about how Evan probably hadn’t texted him the normal good night last night because he had realized how shitty Connor actually was as a person. His worries were dashed to the side when he saw Evan happily stumble and speed-walk his way as he broke into an apologetic spiel on how his phone was having problems and ‘Oh! Connor Itotallygetifyoudontwanttobefriendsanymorebecauseididnteventextyouatal-’ At that point, Connor had just placed a hand over Evan’s mouth and forced him to breathe while trying to not think about Evan’s lips against his hand or the way Evan’s cheeks had flushed pink at the touch. But then again, Connor was a hormonal teenage boy that had no self-control so he felt his unwanted thoughts more so about crushing hard on Evan in math class rather than the normal self-deprecation. Even though Evan wasn’t seen as just a distraction by Connor, he did a pretty damn good job at making Connor temporarily feel okay.

Right now though, that all was flushed down the drain as he woke up a few mornings after their celebratory soft-serve. All he could feel was a brick in his brain and fifty others in his rib cage. Connor could almost sense himself sink into the mattress at the thought of even lifting his head. He tried to think of Evan’s smile from last night when Connor said he’d come over again the next day, but even that didn’t motivate him to move a muscle. He just stared at his ceiling and felt nothing, and Connor knew that this was all of his shit building up after having been distracted for a month and hitting him with a 500-pound mallet at once.

That old mallet, cursed thing, brought back tons of memories and roused his frustrating childhood joy back to the surface. A particular memory of one of his family's last times at the orchard came to the front of his mind. He could feel it now, the wind rushing past him as his 10-year-old body ran through the neat rows of trees in late autumn, the cold warning of winter nipping at his fingers, nose, and ears as his ratty blue jean jacket buttoned close to his body protected him from the frost. He had glanced behind him after ducking under a certain tree and spotted a little girl dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans with flowers embroidered on the cuffs fall during her attempt to catch her lanky brother. At the time, Zoe had been 8 and had a toothy little smile that could make anyone grin, and if it disappeared, it could reduce anyone to worrisome protective instinct. All Connor saw was a frown and a look of fear as his sister slipped on a rotten apple and tumbled to the ground, crying out slightly while his whole mindset changed. Connor’s agile and thin body quickly rerouted back to his sister and he slid to her side, worriedly asking if she was okay and checking her face with a gentle hand pushing her hair back away from her face.

“I-i… Connor..-” A sniffle was heard as a lone tear slipped down her cheek as she struggled to speak through the emotion, “My ankle really hurts..”

With that, Connor remembered making a funny joke that caused her to tearfully laugh as he wiped away that first tear and picked her up gently, walking her back to their parents and cracking his stupid ‘Why did the duck (or chicken) cross the road?’ jokes to keep her laughing until she forgot her pain from a simple sprained ankle.

The memory was clear as day and he felt tears right behind his eyes as all of his fears surrounding his old bond with Zoe resurface.

_Was he ever going to feel happy like that again? Would he ever be able to tell jokes again? Would Zoe ever laugh with him like that again? Would she ever trust him again?_

So many of those doubts and fears raced through his mind that Connor sat up straight and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes to stop any possible tears from escaping. He almost preferred being numb, he thought, compared to this mind-blowing amount of nostalgia and pain racing through his head. As an attempt to try and wipe it away, he quickly texted Evan.

conman: hey im skipping for a mentalhealth day, u in?

ev: Uh, yeah. I actually feel really crappy too.. Already called in sick and stuff.

conman: i cant really be around Z or anyone else other than u. could i come over so we could binge walking dead or smth

ev: orrrr maybe friends

conman: what

ev: that show makes me mildly queasy

conman: yeah okay. well we’ll figure something out then.

ev: okay well hurry i dont know if i can wait

conman: ill be over in ten

He made sure to set a time limit because if he showed up late or not at all, he knew it’d make Evan’s condition worse and Connor winced at the thought of a depressive panic attack Evan on his hands. He simply threw a T-shirt on with his normal zip-up sweat-shirt and grabbed his phone and bag before rushing outside, constantly checking the time as he bypassed his family during breakfast and heard shocked calls of his name as he closed the front door behind him and hastily got into his car before pulling out of the driveway as Cynthia opened the door with Larry behind her. Connor rolled his eyes and waved out the passenger window as he pressed on the gas.

 

____

 

When Connor arrived at Evan’s familiar home, he noticed some of the potted flowers on the stoop wilting from abandonment and frowned before opening the door and calling out tiredly.

“Hansen?”

“In here.” He heard Evan’s weak reply from down the hallway and in his room. Connor walked down the path and opened the door a bit more and was hit with a wall of heat. He looked down to see Evan completely shrouded in blankets as he sat in front of a plastic black space heater.

“Jesus…”

“Y-you know how I said that warmth made me feel better sometimes? I-it’s doing j-jack right now.” Evan replied as he seemingly glared at the slowly rotating heater.

“Are you sweating?” Connor asked with a ghost of a smirk.

Evan glanced up at him, his face pink with the heat of the room and shrugged as if he didn’t see any problem with the current situation.“See? It’s doing nothing.”

“Evan, Christ, you’ll get heat stroke,” Connor paused, slipping his jacket off and stepping forward while turning off the second hottest thing in the room before stepping over Evan to open the window to the cool air outside. Connor heard a displeased groan at the refreshing oxygen rushing in.

“It’s fr-freezing!” Evan exclaimed, scrambling up into a standing position and wrapping the blankets closer to his body to attempt to conserve some heat.

“You can keep those but just get out of this room.” Connor sighed slightly as Evan penguin-style waddled out of his room and he was left by himself in the most personal space of his only friend. He looked at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling and felt a rush of nostalgia as he remembered first putting those up at 9 with his dad and then taking them down at 15 alone during an angry outburst towards the fact that nothing would be okay again. Connor didn’t know how long he stood there for, just staring up at those fucking stars but he assumed it’d been a long enough time for Evan to worry. He was brought back down to earth by Evan placing a hand on his shoulder gently and saying his name with worry lacing every aspect of his body.

Shaking his head and blinking away moisture, Connor brushed past Evan and out of his room, leaving Evan alone to gaze up at the stars as well and wonder what had been so interesting about them.

When he made his way to the kitchen, Connor was almost a visible mess. Tears were brimming as he felt sad frustration overwhelm any happiness he had obtained from the action of being with Evan. Wrapping his arms around himself as waves of fear, doubt and rage passed over him, he paced as he squeezed his eyes shut. A few tears glided down his face and he scrambled to wipe them away as he tried to remind himself that this isn’t some empty park where he could break down. This was Evan’s _home._

Desperation to unload his emotions became overwhelming as he moved to grab his bag from next to the door and slung it over his shoulder. Connor placed his hand on the doorknob and twisted, taking a step before his bag strap across his chest tightened and he turned to see Evan gripping the strap that had been at his back. The shorter boy’s face was worried and fear was clear in his eyes as he held Connor back from leaving. Anger at being held back from what he needed to go do rushed through him and released adrenaline into his bloodstream. Before he knew it, Connor had made a huge mistake.

“Get off my shit, Evan! Just fuck off!” He yelled, tugging at his bag and bristling with anger as Evan stayed latched on to his only hold on his only friend while the door swung open. Connor felt the tears well up again as frustration and desperation overwhelmed his reserve to never scare Evan.

Taking a step towards the other boy in an attempt to be intimidating, Connor felt the tears slip from his eyes and down his cheeks, though he couldn’t care less as he came within a few inches of Evan.

“Fuck. Off.” Connor said angrily, his voice shaking as he spoke. Knowing he was probably giving up his young friendship with the only person that truly cared, more tears escaped as he stared Evan down.

The other boy stared up at Connor with an unwavering gaze, unshed tears in his eyes as well as he scrunched his eyebrows together in irritation before making another crucial decision to speak shakily.

“I won’t… I can’t leave you, Connor.” Evan’s voice wavered in strength but his words were firm in belief and all Connor could feel were more tears running down his face at the realization of the meaning of the words as Evan pulled him into a tight, grasping hug. Connor was pulled down near Evan’s height as Evan moved onto his tiptoes to hug Connor’s neck closer. With his face resting on Evan’s shoulder, Connor’s arms froze as his eyes widened while tears ran a rapid course down his face.

 

_He won’t leave._

 

_He can’t leave._

 

Those words ran through his head and that was the straw that broke the camel's back as Connor was blinded by tears, burying his face into the crook of Evan’s neck. A sob escaped his throat as his arms wrapped around Evans back and clutched at his shirt like it was his last liferaft. Even if someone else thought this was stupid or unneeded, pure understanding of the words uttered seconds ago rung in his ears as his chest tightened in pure emotion and he sobbed out his grief that had been held in for the last 5 years onto Evan’s shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -im sorry  
> -tht was a rollercoaster JFC  
> -honestly i loved this chap.  
> -plz go look @askconvan, the mod did an art piece that i based the crying off of, its absolutely heartbreaking.  
> -and i kno you love that bcuz you are here reading this
> 
> -send me headcanons! scream at me @crossroal (on tumblr u animals)
> 
> -also young zoe gives me emotions  
> -first hug! they really needed the crying session honestly its been a month and these boys bond quickly.  
> -oh and hey! i discovered i am a demisexual because one night stands are gross. and now that i have looked more into sexualities, evan is definitely demisexual lmao i dont know if he could honestly have sex w/out any emotions. (hint: wink wonk)  
> -i know im surprised too because girls are cute but emotional attachments get tht spark lmaoo  
> -and the boys will be so touchy feely now after this jesus christ  
> -comment like, and smash tht subscribe button!


	15. Chapter 15

Neither of them ate breakfast but both were ravenous by lunchtime.

Connor ordered the pizza for Evan and paid.

They didn’t talk after the sob session, just overanalyzed what had happened and stared at each other for long amounts of time with only understanding in the other’s eyes.

Connor could only imagine how he looked. Probably whipped as he stared back, but that’s okay, because what did he expect from this?

How did he tell himself that he wouldn’t grow attached to this hopefully not-heterosexual boy?

How would he even start to detach himself from Evan?

He wouldn’t, Connor decided, staring across the dining room table at Evan who was now looking out the window as he took a bite of the two-hour old, cold pizza.

He knew his voice would tremble. He knew it would be scratchy and that he’d hate it, but Connor couldn’t imagine the negative thoughts running through Evan’s head right now.

“You…” Evan jumped slightly at the first syllable for the last hours between them and looked at him attentively. “You know.. I can’t leave either… right?”

Evan promptly froze and stared at him with wide eyes, and he looked like he could implode.

“And.. Ev, I’m not just saying that.”

He heard a sharp breath and looked up quickly to watch Evan promptly gush anxiety-driven words faster than Connor could tell him to stop.

“No! Nonono You- Don’t s-say that just because I-I just… just because I… I don’t want to be y-your only reason! To...stay. I mean I-I’m such a hy-hypocrite and I c-can’t ask y-you to.. To… not…” Evan blurted, his eyes wide and he looked like he was going to throw up, gasping breath and running a hand through his hair, and  _ Connor, this is not the time to get caught up in that. _

“Evan.. Ev what are you… What are you talking about?” Connor felt suspicion rise in his throat and now he felt like he was going to barf.

“J-just… c-can you drive me...drive me to..t-to my old work? I-i… I need to show you s-something?” Evan was avoiding Connor’s gaze and he felt a hundred worries surface in his head, but he only zeroed in on one possible explanation.

“Evan…” Connor stood and took a step back, wrapping his arms around his body.

“Just…. C-connor.. Please?” Evan had tears in his eyes and he blinked them away before standing. “Let’s g-go to Ellison State Park, O-o-okay?”

With a nod that felt surreal, he turned, grabbing his jacket and keys from the counter and walking out the door with long strides, running a hand over his face. Evan scrambled after him, locking the door and getting into the passenger side shakily. With stuttered directions and a bouncing knee, Connor knew what was coming, but he didn’t want to even think right now. As he pulled into the dirt parking lot and stalled the car, he sat back and took a few breaths, his eyes closed before opening to find Evan staring at him with a pale face.

“I-i… I’m sorry… we..we can go back..” Evan’s voice was a scared whisper and it only made Connor’s stomach turn more.

“No.. Let’s.. We could use some fresh air.” Connor countered, steeling himself as he climbed out of the driver's seat. Slipping his keys into his back pocket and looking over to see Evan standing with the passenger door closed already, his face pale and fingers shaking as he grasped at his cast.

They began to walk, Evan leading slowly but pressing on nonetheless. Connor watched him and paid no attention to the forest around them. His brain rushed and raced as he thought,  _ I don't know if I have enough tears left for this. _

After about 15 minutes, they came to a small clearing where Evan glanced up and his eyes glued to the top of a tall oak tree. It seemed out of place, having been surrounded by pine trees but it was beautiful. Connor would have been able to focus on that tree much longer if it wasn’t for a choked breath escaping the other boy’s lips. His head looked over to see Evan’s expression stay stoic like he had an idea of what he already wanted to say and all Connor could do was stand there. He was frozen, staring with an intense gaze as Evan took a shaky, sniffly and messy breath before speaking.

“I… I haven’t been here for...a-a…uhh, a..month and a half.” The end of the statement raised like it was a question and Connor’s eyes switched back to the tree with a plain expression. There was no emotion on his face other than the tears welling in his eyes at thinking about the events of a month and a half ago.

“And… I… I honestly don’t know why I brought you? Here, I mean? You… opened up? Kinda? So...so I-I thought maybe… I should b-be honest.. With myself and you..” Evan took a wheezing inhale and pressed his hands over his eyes. “And… I’m not going to explain it? Because you understand. I know you do. I hate that you do. But I’m praying you won’t hate me after this. Because…” A small sob ricocheted up his ribcage and was choked back at his throat as he forced himself to speak. “I lied to you.” 

Connor could barely comprehend anything as he asked weakly, “How many times?”   
Evan’s face crumpled into another held back wail before sputtering out an answer. “Twice.”

He looked down at Evan with a frozen stare even if he felt like wrapping his arms around Evan. “When?”

Another sad sound escaped Evan’s body as he answered. “Today, and… and on the first day of school.” He whimpered out, taking a few breaths quickly as Connor nodded slightly, standing with his shoulder brushing against Evan’s.

“How?”

“I...I” Evan tried to speak but he was silenced by his throat closing up and tears blurring his vision.

“Evan.. You don’t…-”

“I-I know...Connor I know b-but I need to…” Evan shakily blurted out as he gripped his cast with his right hand as his knuckles went white and Connor could swear he felt the bruises forming on Evan’s finger tips. A frown covered his face and he moved his hand over and placed it on top of Evan’s.

“Evan, you don’t need to tell me anything. You don't need to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to.” Connor spoke softly and he felt Evan loosen his grip and twist to take his hand. 

“B-but… you deserve to..”

“What? Know? Evan, I had a feeling when we first met.” Connor spoke sadly and tightened his grip on the other boy’s hand.

He heard Evan’s shaky inhales and exhales as he turned his head to look at Evan. His red eyes were puffy and he seemed like he had a permanent crease in-between his brows.

“C’mere.” Connor tugged on Evan’s hand and the other boy stumbled into his open embrace with a newfound well of tears. “How about… we just.. If we ever feel like that…? Right? If we ever feel like doing that then let’s agree to… to call the other one? We’ll talk each other through it? Okay?”

Connor felt Evan’s tears soak through his shirt and the trembling nod of the other boy had him close to tears the second time that day. He didn’t know how long he stood there with Evan, but he remembered moving his hands up to brush through Evan’s hair gently as he coaxed him to breathe instead of hiccuping into the soaked fabric, mumbling soothing words to the other boy. Eventually, Evan was cried out and just shuddering out the aftershocks of the flood of emotions and Connor helped him back to his car, holding his hand the whole way to bring them back home.

He looked up from unlocking his door to see Evan gazing at the forest in front of the car.

“Hey, Ev. I’ll...I’ll stay the night if you want? Can we watch movies or TV? Like friends?”

Connor only received a solemn nod but he accepted the mere lack of communication before getting in and unlocking Evan’s side door to speed away.

 

_____

 

While they ditched school together, Connor wanted there to be something positive about the day, so when he had stopped to get gas, junk food and soda was picked up on the way back home.

 

_____

 

When they did get to their destination, the two boys were exhausted and Evan was excessively stuttering less and looked a lot brighter. If all the crying did that, Connor had no idea how much brighter his face must be.

“H-hey… Connor…” At Evan’s utterance of his name, it sent shivers down his spine and he tried to will away a blush as he glanced over to meet the brown, soft eyes gazing over at him. “Thank you for being a good person.”

He didn’t even realize how forceful and cold his words were until he noticed Evan’s flinch. “No.”

“Connor.. I’m seriou-”

“No Evan. Let’s just...Let’s just relax okay?” Connor honestly wouldn’t be able to take any more emotion for the day, but he had a feeling that Evan would say that too much. “I don’t want today to be just us crying on each other.” All of the softness from his voice was gone and he hated that. He hated the cold edge back in his voice that reminded him of the Connor that shoved Evan to the ground that first day.

Connor glanced over to see Evan frowning at the ground and chewing on his bottom lip.

“How about you go look on Netflix for something to watch?”

Evan simply nodded and moved to the living room as Connor leaned against the counter of the kitchen and ran a hand over his face, stressfully exhaling. Everything had just gotten much more complicated, and for some reason, his arms itched more and more every second and he needed to cut. To scratch. To do something. Instead of doing any of that, Connor moved into the living room, the bag of goodies at his side.

 

____

 

They did end up watching Friends, much to Connor’s reluctance and Evan’s joy. Although honestly, were there negatives to watching Evan light up with a joke or smile and ask him if he was enjoying it? No. The answer was no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -okay please let me know if this was ooc  
> -beause an-xi-e-ty  
> -thnk you for reading and being amazing people  
> -migraines and bad backs suck ass so sorry this isnt my normal mood  
> -im going to go stretch and eat some food, i really hope this chapter doesnt suck  
> -but you guys know, ill edit if u find some pretty bad crap lmao  
> -i love you all  
> -thank you for being little angels that honestly pull me out of bad episodes.   
> -im going to go try and take care of my migraine and sprained ankle wish me luck jfc kms


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning; implied self-harm, marijuana, (dont do drugs), and tooth-rotting sibling bonding to try and heal hearts

When Connor's shoulder was shaken early the next day, he securely tightened his hand around whatever he had fallen asleep holding and grumbled a sound of dismissal.

"Connor, it's time to wake up for school.." Heidi said gently, patting his shoulder before walking away to who knows where. Connor didn't really care considering his instant situation.

"School..?" He mumbled, cracking his eyes open to a barely-there squint and peering in front of him. Connor saw the familiar tan constellation-like freckles and the effect of the sight rushed through him. Panic overwhelmed his groggy morning reluctance and he threw his body back away from the possibly risky situation, ending up with his whole body on the edge of the old cushions as he stared at the figure sleeping in front of him.

Evan was curled up, his arms lax near his chest but legs tucked close to his body and chin pulled down towards his torso. Connor had a feeling that his hand had been around Evans arm or own five fingers when he had fallen asleep. With that thought, his face burned at the possibility of the sight they had been to Evans _mother_. Considering how near Evan had been to him, Connor could only imagine how they had looked. The simple fact of how immediate he had been to the person he was growing closer and closer to was burned into his brain and caused him to stand up, startled and scared as he took a few deep breaths.

Connor spent probably way too long standing there, staring at Evan, as he felt the overwhelming need to get away as soon as possible, so he moved back to the peaceful figure on the old couch and composed himself. Now is not the time to have a self-deprecating crisis. Now is not the time to completely abandon Evan because you know he shouldn’t have to deal with the mess that is the oldest Murphy sibling.

"Evan... Ev wake up." He mumbled gently, kneeling next to the couch and rubbing Evans shoulder gently.

Connor heard Evan groan in displeasure and he felt his cheeks, ears, and body heat up uncomfortably as his mind scolded him for even feeling anything for the other young man.

"Ev..." He continued to coax Evan awake and couldn't help the small, genuine smile that slipped on to his face as he saw the other boy's eyes crack open with a frown.

"What time is it?" Evan slurred with a grumble and lifted his hands to rub his eyes as he slumped closer to the back of the couch.

"6, but are you up for school?" Connor inquired gently, hoping Evan would deny even the idea of schooling so they could ditch to the orchard Connor has been meaning to bring him to.

"I really should go today..." Evan ended the disheartening statement with a yawn, scrunching his nose and running a hand through his hair, only fluffing the blond strands further. Evan obviously didn't notice the effect he had on Connor as he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, sitting up and taking a moment.

Connor could feel everything Evan did building up into some kind of mix of sexual and emotional constipation that left every nerve on edge. He roughly ran a hand through his hair and let a frustrated breath leave his lips before closing his eyes tightly.

“I need to go.” Those four words felt so wrong. Connor promised that he’d tell Evan when his neurons were fucking up his happy hormones. Hell, it had been his idea in the beginning, but he knew as he said that doomed pledge, it wouldn’t ever work out. He always felt like shit, how could he be so selfish to drag Evan anywhere near his shit? The poor kid had to deal with it yesterday and it triggered his memories of his fucking suicide attempt. How did he let this happen? How could he let this happen?

As Evan’s eyes flickered up to his sleepily, that answered his question. It was Evan, but that answer was also the reason he needed to stop this shit now.

“What? Connor-” Evan began, worry clouding his tired eyes as he sat up straighter.

“I just...I’ll see you later Evan.” He knew he cut Evan off. He knew he probably hurt him. He knew that as he left Evan was probably over analyzing everything he had done, but Connor also knew that he couldn’t turn back. He couldn’t drag Evan deeper into his illnesses, whatever they were.

It hurt him to hear Evan call out his name behind him as he closed the door, and it hurt to be able to pick out every single barebones emotion in Evan’s voice. It all hurt so much. The incessant voice pointed out every flaw that he  _ already _ knew was there and that Evan had  _ probably _ already picked up on _every_ single one. It hurt to replay Evan’s sobs from the day before in his head to know that Connor had opened that heavy trapdoor. Everything hurt and it wasn’t  _ stopping _ . 

Before he knew it, Connor was at the park that was always empty because it was only halfway done, like it had been for the last few years. Dismissing the blatant voice that blared how he should really get home, and Connor, you really can’t be doing this right now, and Connor how could you be so  _ stupid. _

As he sat in his driver's seat, breathing too hard to be comfortable, he decided to go back to his non-human crutch. Scrambling for his passenger side glove compartment, Connor snatched his baggie of pre-rolled joints and a lighter before pushing out of the car that all of a sudden was way too hot and cramped.

Connor’s hands trembled as he tried to open the plastic bag, frustration only mounting the more he failed to grip the two edges that held relief. Eventually, after many curses and some self-control, he shakily got the lit paper to his lips and inhaled. Now, in a blunder, he had sat down in the asphalt parking lot and tried to breathe properly while pressing his back against his shitty car.

Eyes closed, head tipped back, breathing smoke that right now, was giving him more pros than cons, Connor felt the almost white noise of self-deprecating voices fizzle out into silence as warmth spread through his body.

Exhaling as he opened his eyes, Connor found some peace in the way it drifted up into the sky, lazily circling around itself and looping through the untainted oxygen he wished gave him the same effects of the THC. Pulling his legs into a cross-legged position and bending over himself, his forehead in his left hand, elbow propped on his knee while he pulled the smoke back in. Finally letting it go in a broken sigh, Connor’s head was still a mess, and his crutch wasn’t helping. It wasn’t helping anymore. It wasn’t erasing how he’d hurt Evan. It wasn’t drowning out the tears from yesterday or how terrible he’d felt while holding a trembling, scared young man against his chest that also shook.

The cries and questions and pure negativity swirled through his thoughts and he dropped his joint to the asphalt like it burned him, tangling his long and nimble fingers in his gross, messy, knotted hair. He felt himself pulling at the strands, he felt himself gasping for air that actually was beneficial, because he didn’t care if air kept him alive, he just cared if it took his pain away. Although nothing known to him was eliminating the sharp stabs and dull aches anymore, Connor tried to pretend the Oxygen was a drug and he was going to get high as fuck off of it. He was going to feel okay.

Connor felt like he looked like a mess, he thought that what people would see is a teenaged boy on the asphalt, on his side in the fetal position, gasping for breath and trying to pull his hair out as if it would calm him down. He thought that was how he looked, and this is Connor. He doesn’t care how people see him, but he knew that he didn’t look like that. He knew that he looked like a kid, sitting on the ground, back against the dented and scratched drivers door of his car, staring at the blacktop like it had the answers to everything. Because it needed to. Something had to tell him how to feel better. Something had to help, but it couldn’t be a someone. It could never be anyone, because look at him now, all because he cried around someone yesterday.

 

____

 

That night, with the stench of weed swirling around him everywhere he went, and everyone preferring him to wear sunglasses and hide. Everyone knew he smoked weed, but no one knew how that inhalant combined with crying was a helluva eye tint. Removing those shades, would show his bloodshot sharp blue eyes, tired and desperate, purple bags framing the bottom like an irregular watercolor painting. If anyone looked close, you could see the bottom lashes clumped together and draw conclusions from that and the wet stains on his sweatshirt sleeves. Even if you didn’t know him, you would know this kid has been through hell.

Although when he got home, no one reacted. No one did anything. Just jabbed and jabbed and jabbed invisibly at the itching wrists under a suffocatingly warm black sweatshirt during dinner.

 

____

 

Connor was able to escape after he was forced to eat everything due to Larry just choosing to be more of a dick than usual, so now he was upstairs, headphones on, blasting music and pacing across his room, trying to resist the pull to hurt himself. Connor knew he told Evan, but whenever he looked at his phone it lit up with another worried text and made everything worse. He was trying so hard. For Evan. For his mother. For Zoe. Maybe even for himself. He hits a new personal record every day and he's on a week and a half long streak. He can do it, he feels that little voice as his only resolve to try harder. Try anything. Snap wristbands. Dig nails into his palms. He was willing to do anything just so he wouldn’t see Evan’s worried stare again, considering if they even were around one another like that again.

The music was mind-numbing, the hair ties stopped hurting, and his palms grew sore with crescent indents. Nothing was working. This was all he had left. His only coping mechanism when everything hurt emotionally.

His last hurrah, one could say, was to hurt himself physically.

 

____

 

Around one A.M., Connor’s eyes were still bloodshot, he noticed, as he looked up at his raggedy appearance in the bathroom mirror while trying to wash the dried blood from his nails. He could see how drained he was and how tired he felt of legitimately  _ everything. _

The only thing that helped him out of his stupor, was the pad of footsteps down the hallway and the sleepy knock on the bathroom door with a mumbled slur of his name. 

Quickly tidying up, Connor tried to look a bit more alive with a quick splash of water on his face before opening the door.

“Hey, Zoe.” He greeted quietly, all too aware of how late it was and how tired they both were.

“Hey Con,” Zoe mumbled while running a hand through her hair, pushing the tangles away from her face as the nickname caused his spirits to lift slightly. “What were you doing in here so late?”

At the question, Connor only pulled his sleeves down past his fingertips, thin frame almost drowning in the heavy, oversized and perfectly soft sweatshirt. “Nothing. Just had to piss.”

“Right…” She eyed him with a slightly sad look, though amusement also sparkled. Possibly because she couldn’t believe how bad of a liar he was, that he thought he could lie to her, or that she didn’t know what really went on with him late at night, “Can I help?”

“Me piss?! Zoe what the fuck?” He responded with a huffed, cold chuckle and only got a glare from Zoe as she moved to push him further back into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and opening the unlocked medicine cabinet.

“Jesus Connor, just let me help.” She seemed so tired of him and of their late night talks and he couldn’t help the streak of guilt that ran through his spine, causing a small bit of nausea.

“What the hell, Zoe? I can fucking handle myself.” Connor angrily spat back, crossing his arms across his midsection and stepping towards her once, menacingly. “You know I can, I obviously survived without your help at dinner against fucking Larry.”

“Quiet down, or fucking Larry is going to be riding your ass again,” Zoe whispered, not looking at all intimidated as she crossed her own arms over her chest, standing her ground angrily. “You don’t scare me.” He heard her voice waver. He saw her eyes flicker uncertainly at his fists clenched as he held himself. He noticed her swallowing with what most likely was nerves.

“Fine. Just get it done with. Have fun playing doctor.” He harshly spat back, whispering like Zoe had been cautiously before as he backed up and sat on the closed toilet lid, pulling his legs close to the base and taking a shaky breath.

“Shut up, my God Connor, you think I enjoy this? You know I hear your door open and close every time you come in here. I’m not stupid and I know that this only ever happens when you smell like weed and Larry was being a dick.” Zoe shot back, annoyance plain as she fished for the bandaids and Neosporin in the cabinet.

Ouch. He felt a hit to his pride at the blatant cut to his ninja skills.

“Why do you care so muc-”

“I am your sister!” Zoe whisper-shouted, pulling back from the cabinet door and looking genuinely hurt by his statement. She seemed to simmer down as realization at the outburst flashed across her face and through the almost identical blue eyes as his. “I am your sister and it’s okay for us to hate each other… but I’m your blood… and it hurts when you spill your own.” The last few words were quieter and her eyes shrank from angrily glaring at his to miserably staring at the floor like it was a contest.

“Zoe-”

“No, Connor you don’t need…” Deep breath, “You don’t need to explain yourself. You’ve been better… and I’m...I’m proud of you.” Zoe was still staring at the ground as she shakily spoke, obviously uncomfortable with the topic.

“What the actual fuck, Z?” He inquired incredulously, staring at her in shock as tears welled up in the corners of his eyes while he tried to vigorously blink them away.

“I’m serious.” Zoe looked back up to him, the same tears in her eyes as she showed how serious she was.

The whole process was quite healing for their relationship actually. She disinfected his cuts while he swore into the fabric of his sweater, Zoe made sure they were clean before covering them with bandaids, large and small sizes. That process had been so testy, with Connor acting like a spooked horse the whole time, jumping at any sudden movement because he was so on the edge of pushing her away again. He talked through his confusing feeling about Evan (without revealing his name, of course) while they both sat on the bathroom floor, shoulders touching with her head on his shoulder. In the end, Connor learned so much about his sister, and he couldn’t imagine the things she had learned about him that night. 

He hadn’t been that grateful for someone’s help in a while, so grateful that he didn’t go to bed so numb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see, ehhh?  
> im sorry im terrible i know  
> i went on a vacation  
> and i tried to write, i promise i really did but my true calling was beckoning.  
> now please, dont smoke le weed, get help instead! DEMAND THE DOCTORS!  
> because i dont smoke weed, but lmao, do i know people that do. go washington! (the state lmao not the city jfc)  
> so i dont know if it really does this but i do know that it was how connor self-medicated.  
> also, the break off with evan was bound to happen.  
> also, i like zoe, shes just misunderstood i think? and by that i mean shes a fucking abuse victim get off of her back people jfc  
> plus, um hello my dreams, i wrote a personal hc into this, that connor 100% gushes to zoe about evan without using his name, but still using he/him pronouns and how blind could she be. the girl knows, lets face it.
> 
> also this was a vent write. i truly feel like shit, but if projecting your own fucked up head onto your favorite fucked up character isn't mental unhealthy people culture, i dont know what is
> 
> was that funny, or just sad? i dunno. those to blur for me lmao kms
> 
> also i lvoe all of you thank you for 5000+hits, i cry alot about this.
> 
> it is a overflowing happy-tears bath.
> 
> follow me @crossroal on tumblr for the usual shit and to shoot me a message with some great heacanons
> 
> also i promise ill get to your comments, i didnt have good wifi for the last week bear with me thank you, for waiting for everything again, and please, save your self and dont countdown the seconds to the next chapter (hopefully done by sunday/monday??)
> 
> i love all of you, inclusing my trans brothers and sisters. you are not alone. you are not a burden, and as a cis, i hope you know i am supporting you every step of the way against this wretched evil in our white house. please message me on tumblr @crossroal if you need to talk, i am ALWAYS here if you want to scream or cry or rant about the injustices of today. thank you for being a blessing.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this realistic? lemme know down below
> 
> tree bros playlist- https://open.spotify.com/user/1284464827/playlist/6gs0Jco8kxkI6qlzOue7ew

That morning, Connor had woken up to a gentle knock rather than the sound of Zoe trying to beat down the door.

“Connor?” Zoe asked, silently requesting to see if he was awake as she poked her head in, glancing over to his still figure on the bed. “Con?” This time there was worry tinging her voice.

At the slight fear in her voice, Connor had felt his gut twist, so he groaned in response to try and alleviate her worry.

“Come on, get up.” He could hear the amusement in her voice as she walked across his small room, feet padding on the light hardwood floor quietly. Zoe reached down and shoved his shoulder lightly, shaking him and trying to get him to move or just look at her.

“NoOoOoo” A slurred negative from him was enough to get Zoe to smirk and try to tug the comforter off of him. Connor felt cold air press flush against his bare chest and another groan left his lips as he grasped out with open arms to try and tug the comforter back. His middle fingers caught the fabric and he pulled. Hard.

An unsuspecting Zoe let out a shocked laugh as she stumbled forward.

“No! Connor Come on.” She laughed out, trying to tug the blankets away again but his lean muscles on his arms pulled them closer and her force did nothing to wake him.

“No.” Amusement was clear in his voice, although confusion was plain in his head. “What even is this?” He mumbled into his pillow.

Zoe stopped moving. Stopped everything. Sounded like she had even stopped breathing for a second.

‘I- uh…” Zoe scrambled to find an explanation but was left empty handed, obviously.

“Whatever, no. Never mind I ask-” Connor began, sitting up and rolling his shoulders back with a yawn and grabbing a hair-tie from his bedside table. Zoe cut his lazily spoken words off with a nervous undertone in her own syllables.

“I googled! Um.. I mean I googled what.. Or why… people… you know...do...that..?” Zoe spoke quietly, avoiding his gaze and it was easy to see that she was ashamed or whatever about it.

“Why would you even do that? You need your sleep, Z. That’s like fucking self-torture.” Connor noticed how quickly his voice changed cold as he put his hair up and stood from his bed.

“I don’t know… but Connor you..” She paused, seemingly having planned her words but now not finding the gumption to blurt them out.

“Zoe just leave it. Jesus, I knew I should’ve just shoved you out of that bathroom when I had the chance.” Connor angrily blurted out, only barely regretting it while pulling a long-sleeved sweater on. Although when he turned to look at her, the guilt only skyrocketed intensely and he felt like he had gotten the wind knocked out of him. Her face had fallen and she didn’t look happy anymore, there was no standard Zoe Glow™ aura floating everywhere she walked. “Z… I didn’t-”

“No,” Her voice was all of a sudden steely and hard, frustrated and annoyed. “No. You don’t deserve to feel guilty.” Her voice was soft and he was frozen as he felt like he was going to throw up. “You don't deserve pain, Connor.” His back was hunched slightly and shoulders tense as he closed his eyes.

“Zoe shut up.” His words were whispered and no doubt his voice was trembling as his eyelids and fists were clenched shut.

“No! Connor, You don’t deserve that. Any of it!” She was still quiet but not just seemed like she was pleading him to listen. Connor couldn’t. He couldn’t do this right now. Anger was just coiling in his ribcage like a menacing cobra, baring its teeth and ready to strike when needed to shield itself from attackers.

“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about Zoe, google can’t fucking explain this shit, okay?” He spat that at her, body shaking either in rage or pain as he passed by her, making a beeline for the bathroom and slamming the door behind him.

Connor looked down at his trembling hands and took a few heavy, hopefully calming breaths as he put his weight against the door. Eventually, when he was put together enough, Connor got dressed in his normal dark garb and exited the bathroom to grab his messenger bag. Just like a few days earlier, he passed off breakfast with a flourishing dart past the kitchen and out the door.

Connor was leaning against the car silently as he waited for Zoe to come out of the house, his earbuds in and listening to Avicii with the volume turned up way too loud. He made sure it was that loud when he saw Zoe leave the house and walk towards him, lips moving but no sound escaping. She was obviously getting more and more flustered and angry as she unlocked the doors of their shared vehicle before they both slipped into their respected seats. With music on, time passed quickly and Connor looked like he was brain dead or a blank slate. His face was completely neutral as he was deciding then to cut himself off again from her. She would try to make everything better and it would all fucking fail. Forever. So, might as well try to become the monster again.

_____

 

The school day had gone by pretty seamlessly, of course with the usual boredom and self-hatred, of course until he was confronted at the end of the day at his car while waiting for Zoe. Connor had immediately bristled and stood straight when he saw the one and only Jared Kleinman walking towards him. 

“What the fuck do you want, Asshole?” Connor spat as he crossed his arms over his chest, his back to his car as Jared came to stand a few feet in front of him, obviously angry as well.

“I just wanted to ask Evan’s former best friend why he had even abandoned Evan in the first place. At his own fucking home!” Jared spoke quickly while Connor felt his heart catch on ‘best friend.’

“What? I thought you were his friend.” Connor dismissed, while the comment obviously pushed Jared’s buttons.

“Yeah. Funny, you know I was kinda shocked when he called Mr. DrugAddict best friend but whatever..” Jared dismissed, bitterness in his voice.

“Well if you didn’t fucking make fun of him for his illnesses I think you two would be a lot closer, but that’s none of my business,” Connor said, amusedly of course as he watched Jared internally rage until coming up with an acceptable stinging retort.

“Well, at least I don’t abandon him for two days after sleeping next to each other.” Jared bit back. This comeback did sting, but he felt his cheeks and ears burn at the last section.

“Shut the fuck up, Jared.” Connor knew that was a lazy and not particularly good bite back, but he didn’t know what to say. 

“You know I’m right, asshole. Either fucking leave him alone or go apologize for giving him such a bad panic attack that he passed out for hours.” Connor paused at those words and he felt the irritated smirk slip off of his lips.

“ _ What..? _ ” Connor asked, eyes widening.

“Yeah. No wonder he wasn’t at school for the last two days, dickhead.” 

Connor didn’t know whether to feel relieved or angry with himself more so than he already did.

“Evan didn’t calm down for at least half the day until he actually exhausted himself to the point of passing out.” Jared seemed tired too, and Connor had noticed that yesterday he wasn’t at school either. 

“You..?”

“Helped him fucking breathe at six AM? Yeah. You’re welcome for keeping your ‘best friend’ breathing while his mother was trying to juggle finding a possible missing child, getting the day off and trying to calm her son down simultaneously.” Jared spoke harshly as Connor had the overwhelming need to hug Evan until he couldn’t fucking move. “Better move your ass, Ev told me he’d go to Ellison park to calm down at 2,” Jared said that so nonchalantly, Connor assumed he probably didn’t know about Evan’s attempt. Evan’s attempt. Ellison Park. Calm down?

Realization hit Connor like a heavy rubber mallet and he felt his pulse rocket upwards as he moved too quickly open the door of his car.

“Tell Zoe that I had to go fix a friend problem, okay? I’ll be back if everything’s okay.”

“Everything’s okay? Connor what the fuck are you-” Jared’s voice was cut off as Connor slammed the driver's door behind him and started up the engine, pulling out of the parking lot before trying to remember the route to Ellison park before entering the name into his phone’s GPS with shaking fingers.

Self-hatred was completely gone right now. All he could hear though was a non-stop mantra in his head saying  _ be okay. Be okay. Be okay. Be okay. Evan be okay. _

 

_ ____ _

 

Connor pulled into the parking lot at breakneck speed, gravel flying, He skidded to a stop and parked sloppily as his body trembled with fear of the worst. The ignition was shut off as quickly as possible as he scrambled from his car, barely putting enough strength into his arms to close the door as he darted towards the trailhead and trying to remember the route Evan had led him a few days before. After a while of walking and jogging and sprinting, Connor felt an overwhelming sense of uselessness as he felt tears well in his eyes.

_ He will be okay. Evan will be fine. He will be fine. Keep looking. Be okay. _

 

____

 

Connor was in hysterics around fifteen minutes later. He hated how quickly his brain had jumped to suicide. To Evan's dead body. He hated it. It made his stomach turn and eyes tear up for the millionth time in the last half hour. 

Right now, he was mumbling Evan's name, walking the trails of the forest and trying to get back to his car to retrace to that cursed old oak tree that Evan had chucked himself off of months ago. Connor's hair was up in a messy ponytail, his eyes red from constant weeping that he could have caused Evan to fucking  _die_.

His hood was up as he huddled in on himself, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve every once in a while as he found his way back to his car.

_ This was so fucking stupid. You're fucking crying over an Evan who might not be dead. _

Speak of the devil.

Connor came to the beginning of the trails to look up at his car, messily parked in the lot. Even if that wasn't the first thing he saw, it was the only thing he could process as his eyes tried to take in the view of a healthy, and alive figure in a hooded navy blue jacket with  _khakis_.

"Ev?" Connor's voice was shaky as he tried to speak up slightly and confirm that this was his Evan.

The figure turned around at the quiet question and sparked a new wave of relief through him at the sight.

"C-Connor.. What are you doing here?" Evan's voice seemed guarded and on edge, his hand fiddling with his cast as he stood awkwardly in front of Connor's car. "Are...A-are you okay?" He was quiet as he took a few steps forward.

With his few steps towards Connor, he felt himself rushing forward to wrap his arms around the other boy. The non-stop mantra of 'I'm terrible,' 'I'm so sorry,' and 'thank god' was probably very confusing to the shorter boy.

"No.. Connor..y-you aren't t-terrible... who told you I'd be here?!" Evan relaxed against Connor as he loosely wrapped his arms around the taller boy.

"Jared. I... Evan, I thought..." Connor was shaking slightly as he tried to control his breathing by holding Evan closer. "I thought you..."

"It's okay... We promised, right?" Evan asked, knowing the answer already as he coaxed Connor down from the possibility of an anxiety attack. "I'm here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyayay i like this chapter although i don't know if you will...  
> hoping, prayin although im athiest lmfao  
> wow 17 hapters im blown away thank you i love you all  
> and my connor does have anxiety. i believe it is mild to moderate anxiety because that normally coincides with his depression  
> like meeeee  
> yay fun stuff  
> also, personal stuff, but runners high is real and very apparent when you win a first place medal after a 5.5 mile in your group and beat the local boys team with a second place spot before three of their other boys   
> muahaha eat my dust  
> it was a tough race but the runners high is still lasting and that race was on saturday omfg is this a drug hah
> 
> also this chapter ending was just to freak a few of you out muahahahahh im terrible
> 
> i love all of you. im here if anyone needs me @crossroal on tumblr u heathens


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: gets real self-deprecating but it heals up a bit i promise. xoxo

“So….” Connor began.

Silence.

Connor had brought Evan back to his house to try and talk through stuff, and Evan had no desire to go back to his home. So now they were both sitting on his bed, backs to the wall and staring ahead with an unusual awkward aura around them. Or maybe that was all in Connor's head.

“I...Jared told me why you missed school.” He glanced over to Evan through the corner of his eye and saw the other boy nodding slightly.

“Y-yeah..” Evan obviously didn’t want to talk about it and it kinda stung to see him so unresponsive and drained.

Connor felt like once his emotions broke through three days ago, it’s been hard to shove them back down like he used to, so now, Evan could hear every single note of self-hatred. Every single note of guilt and pain in his voice.

“I’m so sorry,” Evan turned his head to look at Connor with widened eyes, parting his lips to, of course, like always, tell him it was okay, but Connor knew it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. “No, Evan I’m so sorry. I-I… I knew. I knew I should have stayed there and just…”

“I g-get it...and It’s okay.” The sincerity in his voice caused Connor to look up from his lap to find his eyes met with Evan’s gentle and understanding irises. “And… I-I know you don’t think it’s okay. But…” Connor watched Evan trailed off and felt an annoying rise of frustration.

“Why are you.. _.justifying  _ this? I don’t deserve that.” He leaned forward on the bed, roughly running his fingers through the front area of his brunet hair.

“C-Conno-”

“No! Evan why... Why are you constantly telling me that it’s okay? I mean I thought that after this you might snap or something but… Jesus.” He let out a sarcastic, brittle and dry chuckle. Connor moved his hand down and rubbed his face with his palms before standing up with a huff of air.

“Connor…” He began, his eyes darting around as he obviously tried to say anything that would cool the other young man down.

“Evan… I caused an hour long panic attack that kept you out of school for  _ two days. _ Two days, Evan! Why can’t you just react normally to this?! When your only friend fucking ditches you after you both are so close you slept on the same  _ bed _ , I’d expect some fucking angry Evan. Some pissed off, anxiety be-gone kid that wants to slap some sense into the person who deserted him to have a crippling panic attack in your fucking asshole ‘family friends’ arms.” Connor had resorted to running his hands through his hair and pulling to try and ground himself with the dull ache emanating from his scalp. So far, he had paced to his window to breathe in some fresher air as he felt his pulse beat against his ribcage and hear the  _ bum-buh _ in his ears. The cool fall breeze coming in from outside helped him get a slight grip on his overwhelming frustration, reminding himself that this was  _ Evan _ we are blowing up at, Connor. Why are you even doing this, Connor?  _ Stop it _ , Connor.  **_Stop_ ** _. _

So he took a deep breath, although deep down he knew it would do nothing against the anger curling in his belly with a nauseating familiarity. The memories flashed back. The same anger that tore him and Zoe away from each other. Pure rage that he remembered no reason for against Zoe who was only 10 or 12 at the time? That familiarity scared him and served to remind him that he was  _ such  _ a bad person _. _

_ Monster. _

_ Freak. _

_ Waste of space. _

_ Useless fucking druggie. _

He came back down to earth to listen into Evan’s trembling voice.

“Because I-I understand? I mean…  You.. You j-just don’t deserve tha-”

“I don’t deserve anything.” His retort was simple and straight to the point as he swiveled his head to peer at the other boy with a cold stare. No reasoning was heard that backed his statement aloud although the reasons ran through his mind faster than he could process them.

“No.. Connor… Why-”

“I don’t deserve anything.” He repeated, cutting Evan’s questioning voice off once again and looking away from his pained and cautious eyes.

Moments later, he heard all of the insults come from his head once again, attacking his already vulnerable state and reinforcing his self-deprecation.

_ Psychopath. _

_ Failure. _

_ Never enough. _

_ Go fucking die. _

_ World could use one less broken heart. _

_ No one loves you. _

“Connor you can’t b-believe that...You deserve to be c-cared about..” The words, meant to be reassuring, only stung like the cuts in his wrists from last night.

“No.” His voice was quiet and painfully dismissive, which made Evan’s voice only more pressing.

“Yes.” No stutters. It was plain and strong words with only a slight tremble.

It kinda left Connor speechless as he looked up and over to the nervous boy with a betrayal of his emotions in his watery eyes.

“You deserve so much Connor..” Evan said that with just as much belief in it as before which only burned like salt sprinkled on a gaping wound.

“Evan you don’t know anything.” He bit back, hissing slightly and noting how Evan flinched slightly at the stinging words and quick change in demeanor.

“I can see you are good.” Closing his eyes, Connor could only picture Evan trembling and gasping for air with water seeping from his eyes while Jared attempted to help. Tha imagery canceled out any of Evan’s positivity.

“Stop it, Evan. Just go.” Connor took a threatening tone towards Evan, watching the only other person in the room through his tears that were rapidly being blinked away. He didn’t budge, only straightened his shoulders under Connor’s stare.

“Go. Get out.”

“Connor we promised. We fucking promised each other. And I’m here.” Evan’s voice was rough and demanding, all while showing no signs of judgment. No signs of imminent abandonment.

That voice broke Connor. That perfectly placed swear word broke his anger to shards and his shoulders slumped weakly.

“Why?” He heard his voice crack as his face crumpled from anger to numbing sadness.

“Because you’re my best fr-friend.” Hearing the stutter and that statement, Connor felt his lungs decompress as something like a whimper or a cry escaped his throat. “Now… I think w-we should go e-e-eat something and calm down s-so we can talk. R-really talk.”

Oh shit.

 

____

 

It was silent in the house, Connor and Evan sitting at the dinner table alone and eating quietly. Connor was staring at his food, not hungry, and Evan had eaten a few bites before playing with the spaghetti in the bowl and trying to not be rude.

“I’m not hungry either.” Connor broke the uncomfortable silence and noticed how they both untensed and met each other's eyes at the distraction from their thoughts. “So…”

Connor noticed the analyzing look Evan was pinning on him and couldn’t help but comment on the other boy's eyes traveling carefully over his face.

“See something you like?” That definitely worked. Evan’s face flushed bright pink and he made a few noises of surprise that had Connor smiling at least kinda warmly. 

“N-no… I..” He paused, glancing down at the spaghetti that was slowly dropping in temperature before his eyes jumped back up to Connors. “Did y-you…” a pause as he lost his voice for a second, gazing at Connor as he raised his eyebrows in anticipation. “Your wri-wrists...please?”

His eyebrows fell past their normal spot on his face as he frowned.

“Why, Hansen?”

“I-I… um, d-did you? L-like…?” Evan’s face fell when Connor nodded but made no move to bare his sleeves. “O-oh. I.. I uh-”

“If you apologize, I swear to god, Evan.” Connor hung his head and let a small smirk grace his lips as he heard Evan scramble to hold down any impulse to apologize more. “It's okay. Just breathe.” As Connor looked up to smile at Evan, he felt a small flutter of something in his gut when the other boy smiled slightly back.

Right then, Zoe walked down the stairs, her eyes traveling to Connor’s face and his rarest genuine smile, her face paling as she looked at the boy across from her brother.

All Connor could feel was overwhelming panic as he stared right back at Zoe whose mouth was gaping while realization flitted across her facial features. He shook his head slightly at her when Evan looked down and away from him, both of the boy's cheeks dusted a deep pink, for either different or similar reason. Zoe made a Lil kissy face and Connor couldn’t help the burn in his face, ears, and neck as she disappeared back upstairs, Evan oblivious to the teasing.

“Well… W-we’re good?” Evan asked, worrisome stress marring his facial features temporarily.

“Yeah, Ev… Peachy.” Connor replied, trying to distract himself from the thought of actually kissing Evan which only caused a hotter blush eventually that he felt in his chest as well.

Fuck. Evan will be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowie  
> i promise, after this, expect some cute shit  
> but i dont know how to get them together?  
> i dunno. i might bring the moms into this and have a half and half pov chapter of the boys asking their moms about how to ask someone out??  
> i dunno i imagine it being so...so soft. like awe  
> the moms are trying  
> this really is some slow burn shit jesus  
> at least im livin up to the tags i guess lmfaoo
> 
> kudo comment or subscribe!! i love all of you for even reading these
> 
> today fucking sucked. worst depressive episode ever? hm well these thoughts were legit from some art by @astro_princey on tumblr and also ft. my brain oof  
> that sucks but hey  
> i might try medication for my shit? i would love to know anyones experiences with medication for mental health since my parents dont want me to take medication but its ultimately my decision. so...?? if ur okay with it id love some (anon if you want or nah, doesnt matter) reccomendations for meds or any pointers. even comment on here. im just a scared young child and so.... help moi plz and thx
> 
> i know this chapter is short im sorry  
> my venting chapter only lasted before depression naps were the only thing to pull me out of my deepest depths yay jfc  
> this gets dark wowowowo


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings just fluff and parental problems

When he stepped into the door of his choiced-in home after gently knocking, he heard Evan call a greeting from the kitchen. Slipping off his boots after closing the door, Connor turned the corner to see an angry looking Evan sitting at the table and finishing homework.

“Ev? You okay?” Connor asked gently, placing the package of cookies on the counter and putting his bag on the ground next to his feet after sitting across from Evan.  
“Yes? N-so? I don’t know. M-Mom just… didn’t like how I-I have been spending the last few days at y-your house, you know? She thinks I’m avoiding her, b-but it isn’t like I am. It’s j-just…” He made a frustrated grumble and furrowed his brows, lifting his gaze to Connor’s eyes. “She’s n-never here, either! I mean s-she told me that she’d t-take a few nights off to look through scholarship papers with me… and t-then…” His voice betrayed his true emotions of yearning and crushed hope at the possibility of his mom spending more time with him.

“Hey... It’s okay-” Connor tried to reassure Evan with worry written in every note of his voice but then he was off again.

“No! No, it isn’t, Connor. Because… she’s trying so hard! To be e-enough? For m-me? Which i-is just stupid. She wants to be t-two parents but she can’t. I mean s-she's taking classes and multiple over time s-shifts at the hospital just to c-cover everything plus the extras raised for my college… I-I mean, I shouldn’t feel like t-this, because she’s trying so hard, you know?” He rambled on until he had said his part, huffing in annoyance and frowning at his paper before lifting his gaze to meet Connor’s eyes, throwing his back against the old chair.

“You know, it’s okay to feel like that? I mean even if my parents are shit, and even if I’d much rather not see them a lot-” Evan cut Connor off with an annoyed remark.

“You… You know you s-say that bu-” Connor continued over Evan’s words and couldn’t help the smirk at Evan’s unfamiliar and amusing streak of newfound irritation streaking through his eyes.

“-if they didn’t suck, I’d hate not seeing them. You can’t just discount your feelings.”

“Y-You know, being a hypocrite d-doesn’t suit you.” He shot back, an eyebrow raised with his new sing-song voice. That accusation definitely caught Connor by surprise and he let out a sarcastic laugh to try and cover-up the fact that he had no response to that.

 

____

 

Jared had shown up a little while after the boys lighthearted banter, finding them watching friends again and joining the binge-watching with little to no asshole-ish remarks that always put Evan on edge. Connor was definitely thankful for the lack of words as he felt Evan's light laughter through the couch cushions.

 

____

 

No one had spoken the whole time, but now Jared broke the silence with a loud clap as the episode ended.

“We should do something. Like 21 questions or truth or dare.”

Evan shrugged and moved to turn off the T.V. before curling back up further away from Connor, wrapping a plush blanket around his shoulders.

“Okay. What about truth or dare, then? Ev?”

“Y-yeah that works.”

Connor looked at the time and took a breath, knowing tiredness was plaguing them all with uncharacteristic gutsiness or toxic masculinity.

“Well I know Ev is only going to do truth. What about you, Angst Prince?” Jared’s shit-eating grin was faced towards him, but Connor demanded himself to breathe though the annoyance that came with Jared’s presence.

“We’ll see.” Connor kept his response curt and short, not wanting to give Jared the upper hand on anything. Some could say he is being an asshole, which, true, he is that, but Connor didn’t like the mischievous look permanently placed in Jared's eyes.

So, with Jared on the recliner, feet kicked up and the other two boys sitting on opposite ends of the couch with their legs stretched beside each other, the truth or dare game started. At first, Connor kept to himself with the truth questions, Jared and Evan only asking simple questions that wouldn’t lead anywhere. About his grades, first kiss, or, this one was Jareds, first time smoking weed.

In response to Connor’s answer, Evan spluttered that the must not be good for you Connor! To which he just shrugged and felt a small smirk appear on his face at Jared’s laughter and Evan’s surprise. 15 was kinda young, but hey, he grew up faster then most kids had to anyways.

“Alright. Connor and Evan, this is for both of you,” Jared began, regaining their attention after he had been able to end his joyful response to Connor’s marijuana intake from a young age, “Do you both have a crush?”

At this question, Evan went bright red and Connor felt his heart race. Forcing his subconscious to not glance in Evan’s direction as he nodded slightly, answering Jared’s question as he looked to a corner of the room.

“Wow. Alright, tall-dark-n-handsome. Evan?” Jared moved his attention onto Evan who shrugged, nodding minutely and causing Jared to smirk,  answering with a drawl and a glint of evil in his eyes. “It ain’t nothing to be ashamed of, man. Even the freak has a crush.” He shot Evan a smile and Connor felt Evan tense on the couch at the name-calling. He felt Evan’s eyes glance over to him and Connor noticed how tense his shoulders had become.

In a silent response, he got up, went and grabbed the Oreos from the kitchen, smirking when he watched the light slip from Jared’s eyes at the next spoken words.

“Zoe bought these for Evan and I only,” Connor informed the other boys, noting on Evan’s suppressed laughter that caused his stomach to flip flop and Jared's pure dismay as he stared at the fresh box of cookies.

“What?!”

Connor, of course, was relaying Jared’s hurtful words in his head, but he pushed that down and relished in the disappointment and frustration in Jared’s eyes as Connor opened the package as he sat down, opening the package with a satisfied sigh.

“Hm. Sucks when you don’t get what you want, Asshole.” Connor shot back, a smug smirk on his face at the shock on Jared’s face. He heard choked back laughter next to him, turning his head and feeling his body melt internally at the boy who sat in front of him. Evan's eyes were alight and nose crinkled with adorable self-restraint holding back giggles. His cheeks were flushed and hair was all messy and all Connor wanted to do was run his hands through that hair.

“C-Connor…” Laughter escaped and Jared just rolled his eyes as he also tried not to smile, plopping back in the recliner as Connor was brought back to earth. “Just give him some.” Evan was pleading with his eyes even though he was holding back helpless joy.

With his weakness capitalized on, he gave in quite easily, placing the oreo container on the coffee table.

“Fine.” Evan if Jared was a dick, Connor kinda did like watching Evan’s face light up with something like pride.

“Thank you, Evan.” Jared reached across and grabbed a few of the cookies, munching on them as he began to ramble on about how stupid his chemistry class was with Evan listening intently and Connor kinda feeling like he was fading from the world and into his earlier daydream about stupid blond hair.

 

____

 

“Wait hey-” A yawn interrupted his sentence as Connor and Evan attempted to keep their eyes open. “I dare Connor to kiss his crush in the next 12 hours. A-and Evan, you need to smoke weed once in your life. Connor, you could aid him in that, right?” Jared had a slight slur in his sleepiness and Evan just mumbled a simple ‘you’re crazy’ and Connor a ‘fuck off' in the crook of Evan's shoulder.

“Triple dog dare!” Jared shouted out loud in a burst of energy and Connor just buried his face closer to the boy next to him. He didn’t exactly know how they looked, but he knew that he was slumped up against Evan, who was like a heater, and his arms were wrapped around his torso. Honestly, Connor could only imagine how fucking gay they looked, and that, for once, that idea brought a small smile to his face as he fell asleep.

 

____

 

Evan must be one hell of a person to sleep with since right when he closed his eyes, Connor was out like a light for a good four hours. Those four hours had to be the best in his life because although the memory of it was already slipping away, he could blurrily feel Evan’s mouth on his and their bodies pressed together in all sorts of underage-restricted ways.

His eyes opened up to darkness and the smell of Evan's candles from his room faintly on the comforter draped over them, Connor could only assume that Heidi had brought a few blankets from Evan’s room. Blushing faintly at the thought of her catching him sleeping with her son, again, was the least of his issues as he came to. The familiar airiness in his head and the tightness of his jeans uncomfortable as he peeled his body away from the other boy's with a burning face.

Connor moved to the bathroom and changed into his loose sweatpants, all the while his face a bright red as the dream replayed in his head, unwilling to let him calm down in any form. To try and cool off, Connor decided to step outside the back door and sit on the steps for a little bit. Recalling Jared’s dare and feeling his face heat up again at the thought of _kissing_ Evan. Burying his flushed face in his arms over his knees, Connor attempted at putting his mind back together after that scorcher of a dream.

He found himself feeling multiple things, almost all confusing, except for the strongest guilt and shame running through his head. Of course, dreaming about someone like a celebrity or a character on a show isn’t the worst because you don’t have to face them, like ever, but when it’s someone close to you, and you _fantasize_ about them, it's all you remember when you look at them.

Connor frustratedly groaned and ran his hands through his hair as he lifted his head back up and stared out at the green, untrimmed grass that housed the gracious crickets whose noises filled the scary silence that always threatened him.

Eventually he calmed down enough from the cold Autumn air as an aide and made his way back to Evan. Connor replayed Jared's stupid dare in his head as he sat gently down on the free end of the couch and gazed at the other boy with, what some could say, hearts in his eyes. With a resigned sigh and even a small smile, Connor moved over and kissed Evan gently on his forehead before laying back somewhere that he had been before, his face heating up and a genuine smile covering the southern part of his face as he felt Evan move closer in his sleep and mumble some inarticulate sentences, the shorter boys head tucked under Connor's chin.

All Connor could think as he fell asleep with Evan curled up almost half-way on his chest, was that there was nowhere else he’d rather be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowoowoowow how many days has it been?  
> basically this chapter was a bitch to put together  
> also my family dragged me to montana which is a rascist as fuck state and homophobes live there so what did i do?  
> wore my motherfuckin gay pride pin  
> our waitress saw my pin and said that i was great and that everyone else here is mean  
> i was 100% ready to high-five her a million times  
> but yeah i have a crush on that waitress from fucking montana  
> she has a boyfriend though, that came up so im sad about that  
> although shes in fucking montana.  
> damn it all to hell  
> and shes probs straight although shes from around seattle and im like um wow i wanna live there because the other side of washington where i live is the fucking worst oml  
> but whatever./  
> so theres legit nazis in the US so if anyone asks how im doing recently im just gonna say somthin like ' well nazis are in the US 100% and one is our president so not great' if thT aint a big mood i dunno what is.  
> but yeah, um the slow burn aint gonna be slow burn for long:::::))))))  
> this fic is my safe haven wow  
> irant on here but not on my tumblr which is @crossroal ;0c  
> sorry about the wait. but like mental illness is worse than waiting for another chapter to come out so *shrug  
> and yeah our con boy had a fuckin dream about ev OMG scandalous  
> lemme know if you think jared was awake or not because connor obvs didnt care


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions suicide and self-harm a bit

Connor had concluded a few minutes after they were all sat down at the dining room table that he was in deep shit now. Simply judging by the uncontrollable grin on Kleinman's fucking face, he must have heard Connor say some shit about Ev in his dangerous and deep slumber. He knew he used to mumble in his sleep when he was younger but he had sworn that he didn’t anymore. Eyes narrowed as he peered down at the scrambled mix of eggs and vegetables in the ceramic bowl, it looked to the other boys like he wanted to turn them to ash.

Evan, of course, was the first to speak up tentatively.

“H-hey... Con, you okay?” His worried voice brought Connor back from his worried rambling in his head and he looked towards the source of the voice. He felt his heart catch on the creased forehead that should never have to frown.

“Yeah _C-Con,_ you alright?” Jared wore an even wider grin and Connor had to suppress the urge to punch the smile off. He really didn’t need to deal with Evan pissed at him.

“Evan, can I speak to Jared alone…?” Connor’s voice was firm but softened on Evan’s soothing name as he turned his head to look at the brown-eyed boy.

“Uhm… S-sure. Just d-don’t kill each o-other, please?” That was surprisingly easy, and his shock was not lost on the other person in the room.

“If he kills me, I’m going to come back and haunt your ass, Ev.” The bewilderment was heard in Jared’s voice but, as always, it was covered up with his smart aleck shit.

Connor heard Evan’s small laugh and smiled as he watched Evan step outside, closing the door gently.

A switch flipped in Connor, losing sight of Evan rid him of his staged lovey-doe-eyes and he whipped his head around to glare at Jared.

“What the fuck did you hear?”

“What?” He laughed out the response, eyebrows raised in amusement with a smirk on his lips.

“Did I say anything weird in my sleep or something? Because you’ve been wearing this asshole-bullshit half-laugh face since we woke up and I’m seriously worri-” Connor began to ramble he knew this, panic slightly tainting his demanding tone but Jared was quick to shut that shit down with a bark of laughter. “What the fuck are you laughing at?”

“You are just so…-” He broke off into another fit of laughter and wiped a fake tear from his eye dramatically. “Dull.”

Connor almost visibly bristled like an angry cat at the remark negatively on his intelligence but made no move to defend himself from the thing he tells himself too often.

_Hypocrite_

“I didn’t hear anything. It’s what I saw with my own two eyes, Murphy.” Jared smirked through his sentence, taking a bite of the morning scramble and watching Connor’s face flash in confusion, and then clarity.

“No.” He could only imagine the color draining from his face, almost feeling it as he grew nauseous.

“Oh yes. Connor Fucking Murphy has a crush.” Jared grinned as it seemed like he had legitimately broken Connor. His face was downcast, eyes falling back to his breakfast and brain thinking up any silver lining to this. To him, _there was none._ In worried astonishment, he looked up with questioning eyes.

“Please..”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell him. I’m not that much of a douche canoe,” Jared conceded before taking a bite of his breakfast and swallowing the eggs before happily declaring, “You’re welcome. You know the best part about this?” Connor raised his eyebrows as an answer and got a horrifying response. “I’ve got shit on Mr. Marijuana! Blackmail, Baby! What more could a guy ask for.”

With an exasperated groan, Connor threw his body against the back of the dinner chair and crossed his arms across his chest.

“Shut up.” He glowered at Jared across the table, frustration pure in his eyes and the set line of his mouth.

“Ah-ah-ah, Murph.” Jared tsked him with his standard glint in his similar eyes, “You’re already walking on thin ice with that oreo shit last night.”

With a raised eyebrow and a clearly confused expression taking over his face, Connor bit back with a response that he knew might spark some guilt in the shorter boys head.

“You called me a freak. I think fucking with someone like that is grounds to withhold a damn cookie.” Connor had just been trying to guilt trip the boy, but he felt the pushed down frustration and anger from last night claw against his throat. “Whatever. Nevermind. I’m going to go get Ev.” Connor pushed his chair away from the table and strode out of the kitchen, leaving Jared with his opening and closing mouth as he tried to think up a response.

While running through a mantra of _suck it up, freak_ or _quit whining, you know you deserved it_ or _you are a freak_ or the next self-deprecating thing in line in his head, he unintentionally slammed the door on his way out, eyebrows furrowed and hands shoved in his pockets.

Evan was sitting on the steps, the fabric of a green hoodie pinning down his messy hair and eyes worried and wide as he turned to look at Connor, who was currently wearing a hostile expression that Evan hadn’t seen much before.

“Hey,” his voice was calming and Connor felt his shoulders relax slightly, “are you o-okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He was curt and kinda rude about how he said it, but it wasn’t like he could tell Evan what he thought.

“C-Connor...You can tell me what’s wrong, y-y’know..” Evan was trying, Connor had to give him that, but he couldn’t.

“You sound like my mom,” Connor said back, quickly and smoothly, like he had practiced it in the bathroom mirror. He spotted Evan flinch slightly out of the corner of his eye and guilt immediately rushed his mind like an avalanche, “I mean… just..” He let out a frustrated puff and ran his hand through his hair as he stared at his feet that rested on the concrete steps.

“J-Jared was probably just being a dick. I-I get it.” Evan smiled slightly as he looked out at the quiet neighborhood while Connor felt a rush of protectiveness and frustration.

“You shouldn’t have to, Jesus Christ, Ev. He fucking bullies you, you know that right?!”

Evan widened his eyes and shrank into himself, glancing over at Connor with his shoulders tensed as if bracing for impact. “I just...you don’t stand up for yourself. Or you don’t care. Or you believe what he says. But it really pisses me off. He shouldn’t do that shit.”

“Connor… thank you for trying last night.” Evan gently spoke, obviously tip-toeing around him like a ticking time bomb, trying to diffuse it with a slightly more positive outlook.

“Yeah. Whatever. He’s bearable for like ten hours and then it gets to be a lot.” Connor stated as he exhaled, really yearning for smoke to replace the CO2 leaving his lips right about now.

“We should really go back i-inside.” Evan ended their outing to the front steps with those words as he stood, stretched his back and extended a hand to help Connor up as well, although, he had to hold back some slight smirks on how he really didn’t need help up. Although, when he felt his hand touch Evan’s, it wasn’t exactly instant calm. More like the opposite. His heart raced and Connor felt goosebumps rise all over his arms as he tightly squeezed Evan’s hand to heave himself up onto his own two feet. As he mumbled a small ‘thanks,’ he noticed with warming cheeks how Evan didn’t let his hand go for a few lovely moments and basked in the slight security that he could admit to himself for once that _he didn’t want him to._

When his hand was released from the stimulating hold of the other young man, Connor felt a flash of disappointment rush through his nervous system as Evan turned and opened the door to re-enter the home. Connor felt like he was left out there for a second before forcing himself to move forward and inside because it wasn’t like Evan fucking closed the damn door.

_C’mon man get it together._

Connor chastised himself as he unzipped his jacket to try and cool down without baring his mess to _Jared_ of all people. That probably wouldn’t be the best for either of them.

He found himself on a side as Kleinman was on the other, Evan in the middle. Between them. He found a questioning gaze in both of the other boy’s eyes and it felt like too much for a second.

“C-Connor, are you… okay?” Evan asked warily. He did have to admit, he felt kinda shitty. His body ached in time with a low throbbing headache that had just made itself more recognizable.

“Yeah. I just...I gotta go, but you’re coming over tonight, right?” Connor asked as he spotted conflict mirrored in both of Evan’s gentle eyes. Nonetheless, Evan nodded and Connor gathered his stuff. “Yeah, just… feeling kinda crappy. I’ll see you tonight.”

He ducked out of the tense house with all, or some, of his things, tucked into his bag messily. The mess only grew as he peeled his jacket off and threw it in his passenger seat with his stuff. Whatever.

 

_____

 

When he had arrived home, he found Zoe with at least five different colors for their hair for the two to choose from. Connor felt his head throb with the lack of water in the last few days and no recent ibuprofen to loosen his achy shoulders. He could say that physically he was miserable, but mentally..? It had been a while since he walked into his house and was met with pure positivity. It definitely helped.

All he could think was how disappointed Zoe would be if he skipped out on her just because of a headache. He wasn’t bleeding or dying, so Connor found no possible reasonable explanation to tone down her glowing, excited face.

Finally, after twenty minutes of lighthearted banter on what colors looked best with Zoe’s light hair and skin tone, they finally decided on a teal that would show up as more of a midnight blue on Connor’s hair, but he didn’t care. Not with her excitement of the pretty mermaid-like color that could be in her light brown strands.

He let her do his hair first, sitting on the toilet cover with his knees pulled to his chest as he faced the wall and Zoe dyed his ends behind him, layering out from bottom to the top of his head with concentration palpable in the bathroom.

“You know, I didn’t think I’d live long enough to be able to do this with you again? I mean I know you didn’t dye my hair but…-”

“You really don’t have to fill the silence. I might accidentally dye your whole head blue if you want to distract me.” Zoe was obviously uncomfortable with the subject and he felt worry rush through him that the confession may have been too much for 11 in the morning.

 

_____

 

“Alright, Z. You are finished.”

“You blended it out, right?”

“Yes. You hurt me with such low expectations.” He moved to the sink and washed his hands. Of course, not much of the dye was removed from his skin, but it looked like those cool watercolor tattoos.

Zoe was pinning her hair up and scooted over next to him, checking that there was no dye on her skin as he relished in the fact that his hands were varying shades of bright blues and greens.

Silence fell over them as they made sure the floor wasn’t dyed and cleaned up their mess. Eventually, they were just sitting there on their phones as they let the dye soak into and through the keratin in their hair.

“I’m happy you’re alive to do this with me again,” Zoe spoke solemnly and she lowered her phone to sit next to her as she gazed at her brother, full seriousness in her face.

Meanwhile, Connor could swear he felt his heart stop beating as his breathing hiccupped weirdly in shock at the sudden second confession of the night. He felt his ribs squeeze and all he could do was stare blankly at the screen as her words sunk into every pore.

“Wh… What the fuck, Zoe?” He whispered before lightly chuckling and shaking his head. He seemed to try and brush the words off, but he knew she caught the way his eyes shined a bit brighter in the lights. He knew she caught his emotions overwhelming him.

“Connor.” Her words were forced and stern, causing him to look up at her with widening eyes. “I’m happy you’re alive.”

This time it wasn’t sudden. That repetition was expected. Connor knew he could take sentiment that challenged his self-hate only about once. His reaction, although, may not have been the most expected from someone such as Connor Murphy.

The words ran through his head over and over and he felt moisture pooling in his eyes as he raised them to meet his sister’s. Connor felt like there was an iron fist clamped around his lungs and throat as he croaked out a shocked response.

“Zoe, What the actual fuck?” His voice was shaking, no, trembling like a newborn foal on its legs for the first time. His eyes had met full their full capacity for tears and he felt them rush down his face as he had trouble fully taking in everything around him. As the warm tears coursed down his face and he avoided her gaze while standing up with the help of the wall, Connor blurrily pictured the door and moved to go escape somewhere he could let out his emotions in peace. Although, of course, Zoe had to intercept him. She was up now, arms wrapped around his torso and she was at his side, _hugging him_.

That had to be the last straw, he thought, as he leaned against her and the wall simultaneously. He sat down on the tan tile floor and felt his cheeks become painted in multiple layers of salty tears as he replayed her crazy words in his head. Zoe was letting him lean on her as she rubbed his back, no doubt a few tears escaping her eyes as well as she tried to comfort her current mess of a brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um r o l l e r c o a s t e r or what am i right?  
> jareds a little shit  
> i dont hate him but i dont love him as a person lmfao  
> i love you all  
> its past midnight and im tired for no reason so  
> and i need to wake up early  
> i didnt think this through  
> damn  
> well, i love y'all.  
> and i do live-stream writing sometimes where if you dont care about when you read, then this link ( https://docs.google.com/document/d/10ujElBpCFlEUVKfVcBHvPCvw8H7Dc0cBVsWjVanZcz4/edit?usp=sharing )  
> whenevr you wanna see brainstormin and stuff you can go here and reccomend stuff. (ur anon so dont worry)
> 
> i love all of you, you have no clue how much more bearable you make my mental illnesses


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings i think other than i write too much fluff
> 
> live-stream writing of next chapter: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10ujElBpCFlEUVKfVcBHvPCvw8H7Dc0cBVsWjVanZcz4/edit?usp=sharing
> 
> spotify tree bros playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/1284464827/playlist/6gs0Jco8kxkI6qlzOue7ew

Connor had been able to stop emotionally unloading in under ten minutes and Zoe had been more than helpful, fetching a warm wet washcloth that he wiped his face down with, all the while internally cursing his sister. Eventually, the frustrated affectionate swears became external.

“You know I was having a great day with no breakdowns so far, you really didn’t need to fuck up that record of mine.” He caught a small ghost of a smile on her face as she watched him weakly recuperate from her words that shook him to the core.

“Well, I guess that can be a great goal? Every day?” She proposed, raising an eyebrow as he nodded slightly. Of course, he saw what she was doing. Zoe was being her hopeful self and pushing him to live another day. He didn’t exactly know how to respond to that so he opted for that simple nod of his head other than getting mad that she wasn’t mad at him.

“Thanks, Zoe.”

“Sure. Now get out, I need to wash out the color.”

 

____

 

Once Connor had had his turn in the shower, Zoe was excitedly drying her hair in her room as she waited to see the true, dry color of her newly dyed ends.

“It really does look a lot nicer than the first time you tried it. Remember that I had to take a few showers to get it to fade into my hair instead of being big color blocks?”

“Yeah,” he smirked as he leaned against her doorway in his green sweater and black joggers with his hair up in a towel.

He opted to wait for his hair to dry out since he wasn’t as excited for his own hair as Zoe was about both of theirs. It ended up being a nice dark blue/green in his dark brown hair and hers a vibrant teal ombre.

That had been a helluva good few hours and Connor was actually looking forward to the next.

 

____

 

When Evan did show up, Connor was laying on his bed and scrolling through his phone, curled up under covers and soothing music playing out of the crappy speakers of the cracked phone. He turned over as he heard the small knock that he knew could only be Evan by the cautiousness held in the little noise, causing his greeting to be much more gentle in fear of waking Connor up.

“You know you don’t have to knock, right?” He pushed his covers off and sat on the edge of his bed, watching Evan fully step into his dim room and close the door behind him.

“Y-Yeah I know.” Silence fell over them and Connor could feel the palpable sense of curiosity radiating from the only other person in the room.

“Well, we should probably d-”

“A-are you okay? I-I mean like… you j-just left so fast and.. I just…” He watched Evan walk over and nudge the curtains open, letting the soft light of the setting sun pour in beautifully. He would’ve balked at the stunning light and person standing in it, but Evan looked quite unnerved.

“Uh,” Connor cleared his throat and looked away before continuing. “I just… My head hurt really bad and I just…”

“Did Jared tell you anything s-stupid? Or m-mess with you? B-because he w-was making fun o-of us a-and…” Evan paused as he saw the negative emotions flash over Connor’s face and moved over, sitting next to him and furrowing his eyebrows slightly. “C-Connor?”

“I just… he was just poking fun at me,”  _ Liar. _ “It’s okay. I don’t care.”  _ Liar.  _ “I actually just came home because… Zoe was really pushing for us to dye our hair.”  _ Liar. _

“What?” Evan’s voice showed his surprise and he leaned back, “Can I?”

“Oh- Yeah.” Connor looked forward and closed his eyes as he felt Evan’s fingers run through his hair gently, his lungs relaxing as he sighed a gentle breath as the other boy inspected the new color.

Connor’s hair and scalp was like an instant sleepy button that just let his shoulders fall as he fell into a gentle doze that wasn’t quite consciousness but also not quite sleep. His breathing leveled out and he felt at peace for the first time in a long while. Eventually, after a few moments of serene silence, Evan spoke up gently.

“T-The color looks really nice.”

“Thanks.” Connor's voice was as contented and hushed as Evan’s and he found that he was almost completely leaning on the other boy, but Evan had his arm almost around Connor's back to support both of their weight, so he didn’t exactly move. But Connor didn’t exactly move either. So after a few silent moments, he felt Evan lower his head onto Connor’s shoulder as they just soaked in the unique peaceful nature of the shared moment. 

Connor made sure to take in every important detail like how their breathing synced up at random times before falling in line with each other. He took solace in how he could feel Evan slowly relax his body so they both counteracted the others weight as they basically slumped against the other with only Evan’s arm behind him to make sure they didn’t fall back onto the bed. Although… Connor wouldn’t mind if that did happen... _ by chance of course. _

He felt the heat rush to his cheeks at the thought. As he looked down at Evan as well as he possibly could and any observer would define the gaze as absolutely lovestruck. Like ‘heart-shaped-pupils’ lovestruck.

With his amazingly terrible luck, Zoe barged in right then to tell them dinner was ready and choked on her words as she spotted the two way closer than any normal friends. Evan’s head whipped up and hit Connor’s chin which had them both rubbing the painful areas with a grimace.

With his chin in his hand, Connor switched from checking on Evan subconsciously to look up at his sister whose hand was over her mouth to keep her from laughing and failing. “Zoe… What the fu-”

“Ahah. Oooh. That was comedic gold. I was just coming up to tell you that dinner is ready, lover boys.”

Connor felt Evan tense at the nickname and he narrowed his eyes at his sister as she turned away to leave the two alone again.

“Is your head okay?”

“Y-yeah. Your c-chin?” Evan looked up at him with a bright pink blush dusting his cheeks, no doubt from Zoe’s comment. Although, with Evan looking up at him like that Connor couldn’t help but notice that leaning forward just a few inches would slot their lips together in the most amazin-

“C’mon, let’s g-go.” Evan spoke gently, breaking Connor out of his stupor as well as bringing him to the attention that he had been left alone on the bed. He turned his head with pink cheeks and took Evans hand for the few seconds it was permitted to get up off of his bed before they made their way down to hell.

 

____

 

Surprisingly the parents didn’t torture Connor, although he assumes they automatically transferred that job to Zoe who couldn’t stop making hidden innuendos and wouldn’t end her incessant gaze that flicked almost non-stop between him and Evan. He could tell how nervous the other was by the way his hand was clasped around the bottom of his chair so it seemed normal to place his hand on top of the other boys. When Connor felt Evan’s hand end it’s attack on their chair and twist to take his hand as well, Connor couldn’t help but think that Evan was transferring his anxiety onto the taller boy due to the rushing heartbeat and flushed cheeks whenever their fingers touched.

 

____

“Evan-”

“-And then sh-she’ll walk in ag-again and I-I don’t wa-”

“-Ev-”

“I d-don’t want you to get in t-trouble and I… I c-can just sleep on the ground!-”   
“-Evan!” Connor cut the nervous rambles off with a toned-down shout, his hand over his eyes as he rubbed them sleepily. He took his hand away to see Evan sitting on the bed, completely drowning in one of Connor’s purple sweat-shirts and fiddling with the hem as he crossed and uncrossed his legs anxiously. “Just...I won’t get in trouble, okay? Why would you… I promise it’s okay, alright? We are both tired as hell and don’t want to set up a whole other bed, right?”

Evan nodded sheepishly and looked up slowly. “You’re sure?”

Connor nodded in response and watched as Evan took a deep breath, obviously intended to calm himself down.

“Let’s sleep well tonight and then I’ll drive us to school a little bit early, okay?” Evan nodded again and moved to crawl into Connor’s bed and under the covers as Connor followed and turned on his sleeping music before relishing in the peaceful moment. 

He closed his eyes and turned onto his side as Evan scooted a bit closer, his back soon tucked against Connor’s chest and their legs tangling together as they dozed off, the lyrics lulling the two to sleep faster than ever.

 

_ And there will be a day when you can say you're okay and mean it _

_ I promise you it'll all make sense again. _

_ I promise you it'll all make sense again. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> umumumum slow burn is approaching its end.  
> i love my bois and i just want them to be happy  
> i love you and i just want you to be happy and im here 4 u xoxoo  
> thank you everyone who has read this far. ITS CRAZY  
> im wowed everytime by your amazing encouraging comments and the love you bring to our world ily all oxooxoxoxoxxo
> 
> you are a possible reason to keep me alive so thx  
> dodie also is a blessing and her music makes me happy so like give her a listen!  
> zoe and jared will be an unstoppable tag team humiliating conboy
> 
> and again, i love you, keep breathing and itll all make sense again, i promise.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: parental issues, current suicidal thoughts mention, suicide implied, self-harm implied, and panic/anxiety attacks.

Evan had woken up at what felt immediately like way too early to both of them.

“Ev...y’ok?” Connor mumbled into his pillow after waking to the incessant tossing and turning at his right. He turned his body towards the other boy and felt him still.

“Y-yeah, I just c-can’t sleep.” Evan shifted around and Connor felt him press closer as his cheek came to rest on the taller boy's chest. There were a few moments of silence as they soaked up the comfort and peace as their senses became enveloped in the next lovely seconds.

Connor heard Evan’s quick, anxiety fuelled breathing and Evan heard Connor’s racing heartbeat. Connor felt the soft blankets and the warm pressure of Evan’s head on his chest as he soaked up the sensation of every breath that rushed across the front of his long-sleeved shirt while Evan reveled in Connor’s arm draped over his shoulder and back, holding him close and calming him down.

“Was it a nightmare?” Connor’s voice was raspy as he spoke through his sleepiness, determined to be there for his only friend even if it meant staying up with him all night.

Evan’s heart rushed at the sound of Connor’s voice while he cleared his throat and spoke in a similar hushed whisper, “No? I-I just get anxiety dreams…? I call them that- you k-know it sounded right. Uuh, but...like I stress about things so much in the future that I have dreams that I messed i-it up in the way I specifically did-didn’t want to.”

“Well fuck, man. It follows you into your sleep too?” Connor asked, not exactly wanting to bring up his experiences with dreams and nightmares due to the possible trivialization of Evan’s own issues.

The other boy nodded and pressed closer to Connor, speaking softly, “Let’s just try and- try to sleep. I’m o-okay, I promise.”

“If you say so, but I’m here if you need me.” Connor tightened his arm, trying to give Evan a sense of security and didn’t even think about how homosexual they probably looked because Evan sorta distracted him from all of the infuriating white noise of the outside world. Leaving the two of them together to fight it off.

 

____

 

Little shit from all day was eventually going to make him go completely crazy.

From the moment he walked into this brick shithole, Jared had begun jabbing at the two of them progressively more and more about their friendship over the last four hours than ever.

Earlier when the two had been walking down the hallway to their shared English class, the infuriating Kleinman obviously had to fuck up that moment of peace as their fingers brushed and Evan rambled about his next project that he was so anxious for.

“Well damn, You two are attached at the hip, might need a fucking intervention before it goes gay.” Jared had cackled, Zoe shoving books in her locker beside them and hiding a smirk as she watched her brother's shoulders tense as Evan stalled slightly in his steps. Connor had just grumbled and rolled his eyes as he pushed to keep moving and ignoring Jared like any other day and Evan had spluttered like he was embarrassed of their friendship and inched away which simply stung like alcohol or salt on a raw wound. As anyone could tell, Connor was on edge by the way he walked and he almost snapped when he heard Jared’s next few jabs.

“Be safe! Have my boy back home by eleven and use protectio-” Jared was cut off by Zoe slamming her locker door to cut off the sentence.

“Really  _ do not _ need you to finish that sentence, Jared.” She had muttered, obviously bothered by Jared’s jab at her brother’s sex life. 

Connor had whipped around and shot a glower at Jared that could turn someone to dust while he forced himself to walk alongside Evan instead of turning back to strangle the kid. He caught the teasing wink from his sister but had chosen to huff and stuff his hand in the pockets of his sweater.

As he sat through his last class, Connor couldn’t help the annoyance that came with thinking about Evan. He kept replaying how the other boy had moved away from him just from words, and if that could damage their relationship, then how strong was it really?

He buried his face in his crossed arms on the desk and held back his frustrated groans.

_ If relationships were really this complicated, why would he ever want one with anyone? This is just a friendship, Jesus, how will he ever manage anything else. _

 

____

 

“D-did I do something w-wrong?” They had been sitting at Connor’s dinner table as they did homework at 1 A.M. when Evan had asked the question that sent the other young man’s brain into a sleep-deprived spiral.

“What..?” Connor looked up from his book and narrowed his eyes at Evan who had previously been hard at work.

“Did I upset y-you because you seem...k-kinda pissed…” Evan was fiddling with his book pages now and Connor’s eyes zoned in on his anxious tendencies. Now that he thought about it, that had been going on all night.

_ Shit. _

_ You can’t even read your best friend. _

_ Stupid. _

_ Stupid. _

_ Stupid. _

“I’m always pissed, Ev.” Connor brushed off the worries of the other boy with a shrug and looked back down at his new novel before being interrupted once again.

“N-No. Connor- at me. Angry a-at me.” Evan looked so small and scared in that moment, that he wanted to just forget his frustration so that he could be there for the other boy, but he couldn’t.

“Kinda.” He replied, staring down at his book and focusing on the details as his heart rate jumped with the fresh sting of how wretched and cruel honesty felt.

“W-What?” Evan’s voice was incredulous, like he had been so set on a pure negative, so hopeful for a hard ‘no’ that his brain had imagined it for him, and the pure emotion in his voice caused Connor’s stomach to drop like a brick off a building as he realized there was no turning back from this mistake.

“Yeah,” Connor placed a bookmark in the pages and gently closed the books covers as he took a long breath. “I’m just pissed that you don’t fucking get how damaging Jared is to your mental health.”

“C-Connor..” Evan started, looking frustrated and bored with the chosen topic.

“No!... no. Evan, Jesus. C’mon-”

“Connor can w-we step out- go outside?” Evan asked carefully, waiting until Connor started towards the front door to follow.

Once the door clicked shut behind them, Connor huffed angrily and crossed his arms while leaning back against the wood door.

“He’s my f-friend-”

“No!” He burst out and up, standing straight and shoving his arms to his sides with fierceness palpable between the two. “No, Evan. He is not…he is a damn bully and…” Connor ran his hands over his face exasperatedly and took a long breath as Evan stood across from him before pushing himself to say the final thing on his mind, “don’t think I don’t notice when he pushed you away from everyone but himself.”

Evan looked up quickly and furrowed his brow in confusion, opening his mouth to counter the claim.

“Conno-”

“No. Evan, he is trying to push you away from me.” A pleading tone of desperation could be heard in the taller boys request to be heard by the other. “I just...if one little jab is going to pull us apart…-”

“What?” Evan stared at the other boy firmly, narrowing his eyes and standing straighter. “Connor, he didn’t pull us apa-”

“Evan, he did. Literally! One little comment about being too close and you scooted away! You’ve just been acting so odd all day and I just don’t kno-”

“I’m s-sorry! What do y-you want me to say?!” Evan seemed desperate for this to be over now as he fiddled with everything available to be picked at on his t-shirt as he looked up to Connor after staring at the ground.

“I…” Connor trailed off and visibly became conflicted with his own answer as he frowned.

“That I can’t control how I-I pick e-everything apart!? O-or apologize for being a-a mess who c-can’t push away the on-only person I’ve had for a l-long time?!” Evan’s frustration was climbing and Connor could tell easily by his little self-deprecating chuckle at the end of his second question. 

He stepped forward to try and do something, “Eva-”

Evan stepped or stumbled back away from Connor, his breathing heightening uncontrollably with every moment that passed, “No! Y-you’re right! I should just p-push him away because t-thats easy for n-normal people, right?? Because I d-don’t struggle with handling situations with  _ other people _ at  _ all, _ Connor. A-And I’m just s-some  _ weird  _ kid who c-can’t handle himself.” He blurted out, shaking with emotion and frustration as those angry tears welled in his eyes.

“Ev… Hey…” Connor frowned and gave Evan a few seconds to try and calm down on his own. When his breathing was increasingly sounding like gasping, showing no sign of improvement to Connor, he made the executive decision to pull Evan into a tight hug. The other boy tensed up like a rock and only pulled his arms closer to his chest, but after a good few minutes Evan relaxed and the shaking slowly subsided as Connor tried to soothe him.

“Everything is okay.”

“I’m okay, You’re okay, We’re okay, Evan.”

“Just breathe.” That one roused a quiet, humorless chuckle from the boy in his arms, no doubt because  _ It really isn’t that easy, Connor. _

When Evan pulled back slightly, he sniffled a bit and apologized, of course. But Connor only shushed him, wiped under his eyes with his thumb and eased them both down to sit on the steps.

“I’m sorry.”

“I-I know.” No he didn’t, Evan didn’t understand how deep Connor’s guilt was right now, or maybe he did, but instead of speaking he just stayed quiet and let them listen to the crickets singing.

 

____

 

When they had finally gone to bed, Connor took the spot close to the wall and couldn’t help the huge smile in the dark as Evan pulled him close and pressed his cheek against his collarbone.

_ Fuck man. How am I ever going to handle him? _

Even if Connor had no clue if he was going to be able to keep their relationship intimately platonic for much longer, but he was damn sure that as he fell asleep, his cheeks were aching from the abnormal amount of smiles in the last most pure five minutes of his life.

 

____

 

When he was woken up that morning, it had been from a knock on the door as it cracked open, Zoe’s head poked through and a smirk took over her lips as she spotted the two with Evan pressed against Connor’s front. His face was between the other boy's shoulder, placed perfectly in the crook of Connor’s neck.

His face went bright red as he realized the slightly awkward situation, gently peeling away from the boy and making sure Evan stayed sound asleep as he crawled out of bed, rubbing his eyes and grabbing a blanket from the foot of his bed, wrapping the soft fabric around his shoulders and yawning while following Zoe downstairs.

When he got to the base of the steps, he squinted over at the clock and grimaced.

“I legitimately went to bed 4 hours ago, what the hell?”

“Well, fine. If you don’t want your coffee then I’ll just-”

“No.” He received a triumphant smile from her as he grudgingly shuffled to the dining table and sat down with a dull thud. 

After a few silent moments, Connor could tell that she was itching to speak up while sipping her own warm morning beverage, smirking slightly and placing his mug down gently before speaking up.

“Yes?”

“Are you two dating?” She rushed out the question, obviously interested in his love life much more than he desired.

“No,” Connor trailed off, his face presumably a flush of red at the thought of dating someone so majorly out of his league. “I mean I have a lot of shit…” Zoe snorted, obviously thinking that is one hell of an understatement. After shooting a glare her way, he continued, “I just don’t want to hurt him? And I...I just- I’m just afraid that I’m not normal? Like I think about him alot….I’m just terrified that if I ask him if he thinks of me...he’ll say he doesn’t, you know?” Connor was staring at the liquid caffeine in his cup, frowning and clutching the base of the mug tightly. He was pulled out of his head by her gentle words.

“Connor… I don’t think he’d say that you know..” Her eyes betrayed her pure concern and he felt his throat choking up when he looked up to those murky green irises.

Rubbing a hand over his face and lifting the mug up, a muttered “Yeah,” was forced out before he took a few sips, his knee bouncing as nervousness encased his lungs in it’s iron hold.  _ How does Evan even deal with this? _

“Anyways, he seems quite attached to you as well, so I wouldn’t worry..” She spoke more like her normal self instead of a caring sister, causing him to release a relieved breath while scoffing at her last amend.

“Sure Zoe, that automatically cured my nerves about… whatever this is.” Connor couldn’t even say it, Zoe had obviously caught on and grinned, a humorous malice flashing in her eyes.

“You know… it is good to accept that you have a crush on people.” She sipped her coffee again, smirking and looking like the human version of that Kermit meme.

“I do, Okay?”

“Fine, then say it out loud.” Zoe watched him closely for any weakness which he was slowly realizing the presence of. She was right. He couldn’t fucking do this.

“C’mon Zoe.” He grumbled as he placed his elbows on the table and his head in his hands, frowning and the mantra of  _ Fuck, shit. God Damn. _

“What?”

“I can’t!” He grumpily growled as he took his palms away from his cheeks, eyebrows furrowed in a conflicted scowl.

“Mh. Well, then… is it really real if I don’t hear the tall, tough Connor Murphy bow down to declare his everlasting lov-”

“Whoa-Wh-Whoa No. Back it up, I don’t love…” He caught the glimmer of triumph in her eyes as he trailed off, cheeks reddening at his unwillingness to finish the sentence as his smirk faded to a parted-lip, startled expression.

“You know Connor, the longer you hide this from Evan, the harder you fall for him in the end.” She spoke softly, almost innocently as she capitalized on his simultaneous realization and fear. As she stood up and placed her mug in the sink, he found himself studying the grain in the wood as his thoughts were tangled like the headphones in his stupid book bag. She passed by him silently and stepped upstairs, causing him to stand as well and move to the sliding door.

A sense of deja vu passed over him as he lowered himself down to the floor, sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest and blanket draping his nimble body. He quickly remembered the last time he was here, with Evan, and sighed, looking to his left, his eyes trained on the empty spot on the hardwood floor. Connor made himself go back to his room due to the pang of loneliness as he sat alone in what felt like was only their spot.

He cracked the door open to find Evan still asleep but now facing the wall, almost having swapped spots with Connor last time he had been in bed.

As he draped the blanket over the bed, Evan stirred and turned to look over his shoulder with squinty eyes and a frown.

“Con… You okay?” He asked quietly, obviously having recently woken up to find the other missing.

A pang of raw emotion ran down his spine as he crawled into bed beside the shorter boy who turned on his other side to face Connor. 

“Yeah. No big deal.” He hoped he had set the other boys worries to rest as he pulled the covers up to his shoulder and turned on his side to look at Evan.

This moment was worthy of a gallery.In the filtered morning light, he spotted that on the right side of Evan’s face he had imprints of the covers and his hair was all ruffled in the most adorable way. His t-shirt was all wrinkly from his wholesome sleep. The boy’s freckles stood out on his naturally flushed cheeks and nose. Connor’s eyes traveled down to his lips but quickly flicked back up to his deep chocolate brown eyes before he had the chance to get even slightly excited at the sight although he did feel his stomach drop and his heart accelerate at the split-second sight.

Evan’s brow frowned before he yawned and stretched slightly before speaking with that masculine sleepy rasp in his throat, “m‘kay then.” He obviously showed his annoyance with the distance between them as he reached down and took Connor’s hand in his and gently tugged the taller boy closer.

He had jumped when their hands clasped around the other but he scooted closer and Evan this time let Connor press closer. 

Once they finally fell back asleep as the morning sun streamed in through the crack in the black-out curtains, Connor's head was resting on Evans shoulder and their legs were tangled together. 

They were at peace.

 

____

 

The rest of the day was another story. Once Evan woke up he found texts from his mother, some pissed messages after the concern passed. Connor had woken up to a stressed out Evan, fiddling with the hem at the ankle of his fleece pants with small trees on them while listening to the five voicemails left on his cheap off-brand cell as he sat in a crisscross.

Connor had placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder and frowned at how tense he was as well as how he basically could’ve jumped into the stratosphere with those nerves in response to the taller boy’s touch.

Evan shot him an apology with his eyes as he listened intently to the quick words Connor couldn’t make out through the receiver. After a few minutes, he exited out and took a few shaking breaths.

“Eva-”

“I n-need to go h-home… please..?” 

“Of course, yeah. You don't even need to ask.” Connor grabbed his keys from his bedside table and threw his hair up in a quick bun before popping on some glasses from inside his drawer.

“Y-you wear glasses?” Evan’s eyes were wide and his cheeks a bit ruddier than a few second ago.

“Yeah, I just… Normally wear contacts, you know? Gotta keep being scary at school, uphold my rep. Glasses would just...ruin that.”

“Huh.” Evan stared for a few more silent moments as Connor’s face flushed.

“Don’t we need to book it?” Irritation and self-consciousness leached into his tone, causing it to seem much harsher than intended.

“O-OH yeah. S-Sorry I-I just- um.” 

“It’s fine. C’mon though, I am not keen on the idea of you getting murdered by your mom.” Connor chuckled and found himself regretting the comment as he noticed the color slightly paling in Evan’s face. 

After he gathered his things, Evan quickly walked out the front door with Connor, not even pausing to tell the rest of Connor’s family his normal ramble of ‘t-thank you so much for letting m-me come over!’

Connor pretty much doubled the speed limit during the whole five minutes to get there, Evan looked like he was staring death in the face the whole ride, the color drained from his face as he closed his eyes tight while gripping the door handle.

“T-thanks.” Evan muttered, smiling half-heartedly at Connor and slowly releasing the door from his grasp before opening the passenger door.

“Yeah… Good luck, Ev. Text me when you survive.” Connor copied Evan’s almost sad smile as best he could, trying to be reassuring. He nodded solemnly before closing the door and trudging up to their quaint home as if it was to his own death. Connor, of course, got pissed at himself as his eyes traveled down to Evan’s fucking  _ ass. _

_ God, How much more disgusting can you get? _

Connor made sure he got into his home first before grumbling, turning on some music and driving to go get gas.

As he was refueling, Connor’s atheist ass couldn’t help but pray for Evan’s.

 

____

 

**No texts from Ev**

 

Connor checked his phone for the millionth time in the last few hours and frowned at the same words he’d seen the last 999,999 times.

 

conman: i hope you sleep well

 

He curled up slightly in his bed and sent a text to try and set his mind at rest before placing his phone on the table next to his head as it played Dodie’s new EP. Connor had trouble sleeping of course and tossed and turned for the next few hours, ensuring his particular bitchiness for the coming Monday.

 

____

 

Connor didn’t have Evan next to him in his car which left the morning feeling especially empty to him as he stormed into the high school, hood up and glower obvious to any student in his way. Once he came to the end of one of the hallways, he spotted the cafeteria and came to the corner of the doorway, scanning the numerous early faces until he spotted Jared sitting at a table next to a figure in a hoodie, obviously blabbing away while the hooded head bowed down and stared at the table.

Connor speed walked towards them, narrowing his eyes when he saw Jared look up and smirk at the sight of a pissed off Murphy.

“Hey Asshol-”

“Evan?” Connor asked, trying his best to ignore Jared because Evan was his priority. Evan was the one he cared about. 

The boy with the matching name turned to look at Connor with wide eyes. He zeroed in on Evan’s exhausted bags under his eyes and the redness around the nose with the implication of an attack, no sleep, crying, or a mix of all three.

“Hey..” Connor’s voice was gentle and he took a few more steps much slower in concern. Evan looked down at the floor and took a breath.

“Hi. I-I’m really sorry…”

“What the fuck? I thought he did this?” Jared looked annoyed as Connor noticed Evan’s voice, which was scratchy and hoarse as if he’d been yelling or completely sobbing.

“Shut the fuck up, Jared.” Connor spat the quick venom at him as he sat beside the other boy with concern palpable in his body language. “Evan, what happened?”

At the question, he looked up a little and shrugged before clenching his jaw and looking back to his lap, Connor catching the glisten of tears and moving to place a hand on his shoulder.

“Evan…”

“I-I don’t know I j-just freaked out. C-Connor I-” He trailed off, chin shaking and fists clenching the hem of his sweatshirt as he struggled to speak, his voice sounding weary and mournful, “I w-was so angry after she… she just spoke about how I was n-never home and I-I said t-that she w-wasn’t either! Y-y’know… a-and I told h-her about how s-she didn’t even p-pick up the phone when I-I tried to call her a-after… after…” His words stalled but Connor knew exactly what he meant.

“Hey… Evan, It’s okay, okay?”

“N-No! But i-it isn’t because s-she has always been there e-except for that o-one time and I-”

“You did nothing wrong, Ev.” 

He silenced and huffed out a few breaths before trying to counteract Connor’s statement, parting his lips before closing them and letting out almost a strangled choked off sound, leaning over to Connor and pressing his face against his chest. 

Connor could feel Evan shaking, so he wrapped his arms around the boy’s shoulders and rubbed his back gently.

Jared now was staring at the plane of Evan’s back with wider eyes than normal, obviously not aware of anything that had happened and must have believed whatever shit excuse Evan had made. He parted his lips to speak as his eyes flickered up to Connor’s, closing his mouth at the obvious negative from the slight shaking of Connor’s head.

He felt tears finally soak through his shirt and pulled Evan closer, letting the boy press his eyes against the crook of Connor’s neck like a few nights before, his hands gripping the taller boys hoodie as he let out all he had left in the cafeteria of their fucking high school.

 

____

 

Evan had thought it’d be a good idea to go over to his house tonight, so Connor obviously had to follow. Evan had been almost completely silent all day, only speaking to Connor really but only in tidbits. He had taken a nap on Connor’s shoulder at lunch so he looked a little less tired now.

Even if he knew Evan was in a bad spot right now, it was a little nice to see him physically recovering.

Connor made sure to drive slower and steadier than normal, trying to bring down Evan’s nerves in anyway he could. When he parked at the curb, Evan didn’t look up, lost in thought, so instead of jolting him awake, Connor got out and grabbed both of their bags from the back before walking around and opening the door gently.

“Hey, We’re here.” Connor gently spoke, bending down and moving his hand to graze Evan’s arm softly.

Even as he had been slow and calm, Evan had still jumped and looked over at Connor with widened eyes.

“S-Sorry I just- I-I was just-”

“Evan, It’s okay. C’mon? We’ll go watch some friends or a movie or something, alright?” Connor’s voice was quiet, smiling softly and eyes full of understanding. 

He 100% understood how terrible someone feels after fighting with their mom. Connor totally got how the self-hatred and dissociation and depression and anxiety just multiplied like caffeinated Catholic bunnies after saying something you didn’t mean, or after saying something that was true, though hurtful.

Evan simply nodded, crossing his arms before stepping out of the passenger seat and gently closing the door. Connor walked at his pace, noticing how Evan eyed him carrying their bags and opening his mouth before closing it silently and shoving his hands into his pockets.

Connor took the spare key and unlocked it, holding the door open for Evan and stepping in behind him. After locking the door, he strode to the couch and dropped their bags on the cushion before making his way to the kitchen where Evan was brewing some tea.

“How’re you feeling?” He asked gently, frowning as he picked up on Evan’s jumpy nerves.

“U-um. Fine, R-really you don’t have to worry ab-”

“Evan.”

“Pretty m-miserable actually but whydoesitevenmatterIjustkindabrokemymomsheart-”

“Ev, You didn’t break her-”

“You weren't-there! Connor y-you didn’t s-see her face wh-when I...I mean I didn’t tell her about Ell-Ellison b-but I-I implied a-and s-she just st-stared at me! L-Like I-I was a fr-freak! Anditisn’tlikeIdon’tknowthatalreadyIjust…” Evan trailed off, his words shaking as his body shook the same way. Sniffles were heard as he wrapped his arms around his own torso and squeezed, his back still to the other boy.

Connor felt nauseated as he watched Evan’s well-hidden depression rear its strong and thought-enveloping ugly head.

“I j-just shouldn’t even b-be here! I-I ruined h-her life, Con-Connor. S-She has e-enough trouble paying f-for me! My p-pills! M-My therapy! I-I can’t do this…” Evan slumped forward, tears coating his cheeks as any rational and healthy thoughts escaped his head, leaving only suicide and  _ ugly ugly let down disappointment loser idiot _ run sprints through his neurons.

“Evan! No! That’s not...Ev…” Connor had already been moving slowly to comfort the boy but shock had frozen him until this moment. As Evan twisted so his back was against cupboards and slid to the ground in a shaking heap of Connor’s oversized green sweatshirt.

“Nobody ne-needs me! I-I can’t d-do this. She  _ h-hates  _ m-me.” Evan almost wailed as he closed his eyes and let the shuddering and wheezing take over his body.

Connor basically did a sliding stop to Evan’s side, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and holding him close.

“Evan no, I need you. Evan you are the only thing keeping me alive, I swear to god.” Tears were slipping out of Connor's eyes as he watched his friend go through a severe version of what he went though every week.

Evans head was shaking ‘No’ non-stop as he pushed away from Connor, “Y-you keep you a-alive, H-how do you…?” Evan shuddered out a breath as he flinched away from Connor’s arms.

“I could ask you the same thing. Evan, please, I need you, okay? I need you.” He spoke with as much conviction he could muster, holding Evan’s shoulders to make him face him. “Evan, fucking look at me,” Evan’s eyes lifted tearfully to Connor’s own red and watery eyes. “I fucking need you. I Need You, Evan.  _ You _ stopped me from offing myself September 6th.”

“C-Connor, stop.” Evan couldn’t handle the contradiction in his head as he threw his head back against the cupboards and stared up at the ceiling.

In response to this, Connor sat so that Evan’s curled up legs were in between his as he kneeled in front of Evan. He took the sides of Evan’s head in his hands and forced him gently to face Connor, although his eyes were still averted to the side.

“Evan. Evan look at me.” No change. “Evan fucking look me in the eye,” Evan’s eyes flicked to Connors in uncertainty, “and tell me I am lying when I say that you...You saved me. I  _ need _ you to keep saving me every day.”

Evan choked out a sob as he bowed his head in Connor’s hands.

“Evan, am I lying?”

“B-B-But C-”

“Evan, am I lying?”

Silence.

“I’m here for you, okay? I’ll never leave you.  _ No matter what _ .” Connor knew he meant it because if Evan fucking  _ died… _ Well more tears rushed out at the thought.

More silence as Evan almost whimpered while they both cried for what this wretched world had done to them.

 

____

 

After Evan was empty of emotion and seemed like a tin man just leaning on Connor’s shoulder as they both sat on the hard kitchen floor, he gently moved them to the bathroom and helped Evan wash his face and pulled his own sweatshirt off of the other boy and gave him some comfy clothes to change into. 

Of course, now Connor’s nerves were on edge as he made sure that Evan wouldn’t fucking kill himself once he closed the door behind him, but he just listened to the shuffling of clothes and sighed in relief as Evan opened the door slowly and stepped out, eyes looking tired and frown permanently set in his lips.

“Let's go to the couch okay?” Connor took Evan’s hand gently after his nod and led him slowly to the furniture and sat down as he pulled a few heavy comforters around them gently. “That okay?”

Evan nodded slightly and shifted so that he could look up at Connor comfortably while leaning into his shoulder.

“You m-meant everything in the k-kitchen?” His eyes flickered uncertainly and from up, down and side to side before settling on Connor’s unflinching gaze.

“Of course, Evan, Why are you asking? I need you, okay? Trust me on this.” Connor had no clue what kind of look was in Evan’s eyes but it kinda unnerved him.

“I do.” That was the phrase that caused Connor to look back from the remote he had grabbed into Evan’s anxious eyes, and then… lips.

_ Lips lips lips lips _

_ Evan evan evan evan Evan _ **_._ **

Connor was unmoving as Evan’s hands moved to his shoulder and to clutch his sweater as his chapped and raw lips pressed together and against gently and messily, but  _ god _ it was pure ecstasy and shock and excitement and fear and every emotion he had felt for Evan mixed up into a ball.

The other boy pulled away from Connor’s frozen lips and parted his to nervously apologize.

“I-” Before Evan could finish that thought, Connor had leaned forward and pressed his lips gently to the other boys in a response. It may have taken a few second but Evan kicked back into gear and clutched at Connor's clothes tighter, pulling him down and closer to his body.

The occasional clack of clumsy teeth and bump of noses or foreheads had Evan almost laughing at every couple times of mistakes. It may not have been as amazing as what TV chalked it up to be, but Connor thought they had it all wrong now.

Pure emotion was impossible to obtain in a show or only two to three hours.

This shit took  _ months. _

_ And it is so fucking worth it. _

Connor inhaled through his nose and pressed closer, his arms slipping behind Evan’s back and supporting the other boy’s weight. Evan’s hands moved to the back of his neck and tangled up into his hairline in a single action and completely taking Connor’s breath away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK ME UP TOO I WAS CRYING WHILE WRITING THIS IM SORRY
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> was it worth the two week wait??
> 
> i hate myself too lmao
> 
> i love all of you. this is the best chapter iver ever written  
> i can leave now  
> (jk i could never leave u)


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess whos back, back, back again.

Monday night had been the best Monday of his life.

Tuesday morning, Evan was especially jumpy around everyone except for Connor. He instead pressed closer as they walked side-by-side in the forever-crowded hallways. Their shoulders brushing almost at every step, quiet amidst the other students that yelled and shouted randomly.

Instead of filling the space with words, they soaked up the unfamiliar feeling of. It felt completely different than all the other times they had walked down the same hallway. The newfound hope had them both glowing. Connor basked in a pure child-like giddiness that he hadn't felt in a very long time. When he'd look over at the other, it seemed like Evan was feeling better with smiles coming a little easier. Connor didn't expect Evan to be completely out of the woods yet, but he had to admit it was nice to see smiles from the boy who had struggled with so much heartbreak the night before.

Thinking of their shoulders brushing and hands itching to be held by the others made him feel warm as he sat at the group's cafeteria table. Connor waited for Evan, his knee bouncing anxiously as his chin rested in his clammy palm.

Since Connor always got to the table first, he was one of very few students that had classes next to the commons. He dozed off, eyelids fluttering closed in a weak attempt to replace missed sleep. A low murmur grew in the cafeteria, the white noise slowly lulling him to sleep.

He was half asleep when Zoe crashed in, sitting down on the chairs with too much force necessary.

“Hey Connor, How was your night? You didn’t tell anyone you’d be staying the night at Evans.” Zoe grinned with her familiar piercing blue eyes that offered up a world of implications. She didn't bother to take out her lunch since she was focused like a laser on Connor's reddening face.

“Fuck off.” Connor denied any of her annoying probes into his life with the succinct phrase. He dropped his arm to the table and looked down, picking at his nails and murmuring a simple ‘Hello’ to Alana when she greeted him. He felt Zoe’s eyes on him and ignored the unfaltering stare that made his knee only bounce faster.

Alana's eyes stared at him for a second as she sat next to him. His knee bouncing and fingers picking away at the black nail polish was such an obvious change in demeanor that the stares were justified. That was even more annoying for some reason. 

With his heart racing so fast he wishes he could stop it, Connor only felt more distress as he realized that this terrible feeling was something Evan non-stop struggled with.

Connor was aided by some sense of relief when he heard Jared’s almost embarrassingly loud laugh. Of course, he wouldn’t be happy to see Jared, but Evan most likely trailed behind.

He looked up quickly, with too much hope in his eyes. His lips quirked up into a small smile as his eyes connected with Evan's. He felt the anxiousness disappear once butterflies swarmed the nasty feeling. 

Evan smiled slightly and Connor caught the flush of beautiful color as he looked away.

Connor restrained himself from watching Evan walk over as his gaze shifted around. First to the detail in the shitty table, they sat at, and then eventually up to Zoe. Connor caught the devious look in her eye’s and felt the nervousness come back ten times harder as he tried to distract the hunter.

“Zo-”

“Hey, Evan! How are you?” She cheerily asked him, placing her chin in her palm and acting like hearing about his well-being was the most interesting thing she could possibly ask about.

“uh, I-I’m good?” He stared at her with wide eyes, slightly spooked and Connor noticed as he moved his hand to grip the seat of his chair, his fingers curling around the crappy plastic and gripping so hard his hand became a shade paler.

“Oh, well that’s good. Did you get the calc homework done last night?” She asked casually, taking her crappy packed lunch out of her backpack before catching Evan’s flushed cheeks at the mention of the night before.

“I-I- uh-”

“He was feeling shitty last night, so no. I was there and slept over. Lay the fuck off.”

“You’re getting pretty hostile there, Connor. I’m sure Evan can handle the question.”

Jared grinned at him and narrowed his eyes with a cunning sense of joyful teasing before continuing with a falsely sweet voice, “Are you positive nothing-”

“J-Jared…” Evan grumbled quietly, frowning at the other before he used his free hand to get his brown paper bag from his backpack. The fingers that were still gripping his seat relaxed along with his shoulders as Connor placed his own hand over Evan’s with a gentle touch as they both remained inconspicuous.

Connor sank back into his previous position, placing his face in his palm and relaxing as he closed his eyes and dozed at the crappy table. Every once in awhile he would tune into conversations but mostly he just grew so distracted by the hold Evan was developing on his hand. He had moved so that their fingers were linked, and Connor could only squeeze his hand as the warm feeling returned with a burning passion.

 

____

 

When Evan gently woke him up, he groggily sat up and looked at his phone’s clock, noting that their next period was in five minutes. He slumped to the side and let his head rest on Evan’s shoulder as he yawned.

“We should jus’skip.” Connor slurred, the sleep blending his words together into a blob of syllables.

He opened his eyes again at the clearing of Evan’s throat, which signaled awkwardness immediately and made Connor’s stomach turn. He was met with the beaming grins of the three other that sat at their table, all at varying degrees. Jared was looking like he was proud that Evan got some dick. Alana and Zoe were just beaming as they tried to look away and talk amongst themselves.

Connor sat up and ran his free hand over his face as he felt his whole body grow hot.

“Um, C-Connor we can’t skip. I have a test i-in sixth.” Evan denied Connor’s hope and smiled sadly at the frustrated glare. “S-s-sorry…”

“It’s not your fault.” Connor rubbed his thumb gently on Evan’s hand and glanced around, immediately noticing Jared’s raised eyebrows.

“What?” Venom was all out in Connor’s voice and he subconsciously gripped Evan’s hand.

“Nothing,” Jared smirked before finishing up his food and getting up to throw away his tray.

Connor’s shoulders tensed but he just let the pent-up breath release slowly and watched Jared walk away with a scowl.

“C’mon. L-let’s get to Lit.” Evan released Connor’s hand and stood up, grabbing his lunch and shoving it into his backpack quickly.

The speed made caused Connor’s interest to pique and he narrowed his eyes as he stood up from the table. The two of them said their goodbye’s to the two girls and began to walk to their class as the silence between them felt tenser as the day went on.

 

____

 

The classroom was dark and dangerous for both Evan and Connor. Every time he looked over at the other young man, Evan was dozing but always pulled himself out of the funk and refocused on the documentary on the projector.

Connor had bit his inner cheek to shreds so far with nerves about what the two of them were going to do about their friend’s and family in relation to both of the boy’s relations.

Of course, Connor was nervous about that, but another thought was wholly dominating his mind as he took out his phone and texted Evan after completely darkening the phone’s screen.

 

conman: u didn’t eat

 

ev: Yeah I did.

 

conman: don’t be like that. u didnt.

 

A pause. A few actual minutes passed before he got a lit up screen.

 

Ev: I just wasn’t hungry.

 

conman: you need to eat

 

ev: im Fine

 

conman: cut the shit

 

conman: you need to fuckin eat

 

conman: you know you do

 

ev: Did you take a single bite of anything then?

 

Now it was Connor’s turn to pause. Evan definitely caught him there. About a minute later he opened a new message.

 

ev: I’m sorry I shouldnt have said that

 

conman: its fine

 

There was no response for a minute so Connor decided to settle into his arms which he shifted into an uncomfortable pillow. He closed his eyes, knowing that Evan’s were on him.

 

____

 

It was the end of the day, which was a huge relief. When the bell rang, and he was released, it felt like half of the weight on his shoulders was gone. The nap he snagged in the fourth period was like a breath of the freshest air ever. Since he didn’t really sleep at all last night, from his mind racing or from Evan not being able to sleep for more than thirty-minute increments.

He exited his classroom and made his way down the hallway, taking a left towards the student parking lot. Connor closed his eyes and let his breathing even out as he leaned against the clunker of his car.

“H-Hey..” The familiar voice shook him out of his drained stupor and he opened his eyes to see the exhausted face that caused his chest to feel all warm and funny.

“Hey. So my mom wanted you over tonight, and I know you’re exhausted so I told her I’d ask you. It’s up to you. I made up that you spent all last night pulling an all-nighter for your AP Environmental class instead of...what actually happened, y’know…” Connor felt his face flush warm at the mention of the evening before. It wasn’t like they fucked, but just bringing up the vulnerability in their affection towards each other felt almost as scandalous.

Evan's cheeks flushed a warm pink also as he glanced down and gripped the hem of his sweatshirt with twiddling fingers. “Y-Yeah. Uhm I would love to go over to your house but- I will yeah- J-just… Are you… out?” He looked up and watched as Connor’s shoulders tensed and a small grimace was shown on his lips and his face in response flushed red and panic was shown in his eyes. “Oh! I mean I-I J-just wanted to… Like- Uh- How should I act? A-are we a thing? I don’tknowifyou’dactuallywanttod-dateme, C-Connor, I mean I-I’m a mess and wh-”

Connor had been growing even more exhausted with Evan’s hyper demeanor, and he needed something to calm the other boy down. He honestly had no clue what to do until Evan doubted Connor’s emotional attachment to their relationship. Then the response seemed pretty fucking obvious. And really fucking cliche. It almost made him cringe with the stupid gay chick flick moment.

Connor honestly did think that the idea was stupid until he actually kissed the stuttering young man and felt Evan jump under the kiss before leaning into it. Connor’s hand came up to rest on Evan’s waist while the other moved to his cheek and his fingertips spread into his dirty blonde hairline. Connor felt the other boy relax and lean into his touch as they broke apart their lips to breath a little.

Evan seemed a bit more out of breath and seemed to forget that he wasn’t in private. Although when he did remember that they weren’t alone, Connor saw his eyes flick open as he lowered himself back down off of his toes and his face flushed bright red as only a few other kids were caught staring. As he looked down at the other, he noticed the anxiety crashing into Evan like a brick wall. His eyes were darting around and looking at the others that had been staring at the two.

“Hey. Evan, Hey.” Connor gently spoke, getting the other’s jittery attention. “It’s okay, don’t worry about them, Or us.” He watched as Evan quirked his eyebrows down into a confused frown. “Ev, I do want to date you, Okay?”

“Okay..” Connor noticed the spark of hope in Evan’s eyes and the relaxing of the muscles that supported his whole body.

“Just-” Wind blew through the parking lot and the brisk breeze permeated everyone’s warm coats and sucked warmth from the student body. “Jesus, It’s getting cold, get in the car.” Evan nodded, breaking concentration and shivering as he made his way to the front of the car before opening the passenger door and slid into the seat.

Connor locked the doors and turned up the heat, shuddering and looking out the window before turning to the other person in the car. He looked Evan over and got almost lost in the flush in his cheeks from what was either the biting November winds or the kiss they had shared only half-a-minute ago. He got lost in how the boy relaxed in his seat, almost like the familiarity of the smell of weed and teen issues was comforting. Connor got lost in the way that the other boy quirked his lips and brows in question when he caught the taller one of the two staring like he was now.

“Con.. You were going to say somethin-”

“Yeah! I just…” Connor flushed a deep shade and glanced away, running his hand through his hair before rubbing his face with a low sigh. “Of course I want to date you. I just… I’m only out to my sister and Cynthia.” He snuck a glance at Evan’s face and saw the recognition on his face in response to the slippery situation. “He... I mean you know him. He belongs in the fucking 1980’s.” Connor sat back in his seat with a frustrated huff and frowned at the windshield.

“W-well, you know we don’t have to- We don’t have to act like… Uh- Like that… This in front of your family?”

“Oh god. Yeah, Jesus, I know I could never. They’re so fucking nosy. I wouldn’t be able to breathe.” Connor let out a bit of laughter although the amusement was dry and forced.

Silence fell over the warm atmosphere and the two breathed heavily, although the tension in the air wasn’t hostile.

“Connor,” Evan mumbled with a sheepish tone and Connor stared ahead, deep in thoughts of nothing.

“Hm?”

“Con.” He seemed almost impatient now.

“What-,” Connor shook himself out of his stupor and took a breath, turning his head and asking what the fuck was needed.

“Can… Can I- Uhm, y’know?” Connor frowned at the other kid and raised his eyebrows in a way to almost coax the true meaning of his words out of his lips. “L-like…” He noticed the other become frustrated and next thing, lips were on his in a beautifully revved up way. It felt like electricity was tingling in his skin and he grinned into the deep press of their lips. Evan seemed like he was basically grasping for air that could only be obtained by kissing the other.

When they did break apart, Evan’s lips were slightly redder and inflamed with the urgency in their kisses and his face could have been the same damn shade.

Both of them sat in the heated car and simply stared at the other’s disheveled appearance. They looked so thoroughly shaken, although in the best way possible, and it felt like the best possible way for your heart to be racing so hard you could hear it.

“Evan, honestly, you don’t need to ask if you’re gonna kiss me like that.” Connor mischievously grinned and raised his eyebrows as he covered up his fear of falling so fast for Evan.

The other flushed brightly and glanced away.

“I.. I just- I mean, like not in school!” Evan became exasperated through the sentence and took a deep breath of the congested air.

“Mhm..” Connor smirked and leaned forward again, gently kissing at the seams of Evan’s lips and moving to the corners of his mouth before moving down to his soft jawline. He swore he heard the other sigh before he pulled himself away from Connor’s lips.

“Connor… W-we can’t do that in t-the school parking lot.” His voice was shaking although his self-control seemed to be unstaggering.

His upturned lips turned down into an exaggerated frown as he pulled his body back upright in his seat, huffing while he started up the engine.

“Fine... cockblock,” Connor smirked as he put his car in reverse. The other person in the car obviously wasn’t prepared for the humorous comment and instead of showing outright amusement, Evan choked on the water he was drinking, his face flushing red as he coughed loudly.

“You alright?” Connor grinned as he caught the reaction from the corner of his eye and put his car in reverse as Evan recuperated.

Evan simply nodded, looking down at his lap and stewing in his flustered emotions.

“Okay. Well, I’m bringing us somewhere for food since we didn’t eat lunch. What’s your favorite place to go for fast food?” Connor looked over as he waited for the car behind him to just fucking go already.

Evan seemed a bit better after getting off the topic and shrugged as he turned to look at Connor. “I’ve really only had Taco Bell and McDonald's...but Taco Bell was pretty good.”

“Perfect.” Connor backed up out of his shitty spot and they finally made it out of that damn parking lot.

 

____

 

They ended up getting a few soft tacos and Connor couldn’t be happier to smell something that wasn’t gluten-free or like whatever paleo is. When he was handed the bag, it actually took a lot of self-control to hand it to Evan and drive home instead of eating them right in the drive-thru lane.

The silence as he drove them to the Murphy household was palpable but comfortable. He slightly jumped when something warm touched his hand, but when he glanced down and saw Evans fingers spreading his own and linking their hands together, the anxious feeling in his gut lessened significantly.

A small smile spread across his lips and he felt content with the present for right now. Connor felt his body tense up slightly as he pulled into his driveway and to his spot off the side of their garage.

He felt Evan squeeze his hand once in reassurance before letting go and getting out of the car. Connor wanted to whine as the warm hand left his colder palm that had just started feeling cozy. His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he watched Evan leave the car before taking a long breath and getting out.

“Did you tell your mom I'd be here?” Evan asked, his anxiousness showing through now that they were actually walking up to the door.

“Erm…” Connor frowned slightly as he ran his free hand through his hair, stopping on a step behind Evan’s.

“C-connor! I can't just jump in on yo-your families life l-like that!-” Evans eyes were wide and he clutched their food with white knuckles as he continued, turning so that their faces were even, “T-then I'm a burden wh-who eats your food a-and-”

“Evan, Jesus. My mom fuckin’ loves you! They wish they could replace me with someone as smart, caring, or as talented as you are.”

Evan shook his head in response as bashfulness took over the pigment on his face. Looking away from Connor caused him to feel even more dismissed.

“I’m serious.” Connor paused, furrowing his eyebrows and sighing in slight frustration. “You’re the angel on my shoulder I was missing.”

Evan couldn’t handle responding with words as he looked up with a slightly shocked expression. Speaking didn't exactly seem like a viable option right now, so he decided on the next one.

Evan moved forward and kissed Connor's lips with a smile. The other had been taken off guard for a second before Connor recovered and leaned into the embrace. Evan's arms rested on Connor’s shoulders as he held the Taco Bell tightly while pulling him even closer. Connor’s opted to rest on Evan’s waist so that he could use the leverage to pull their chests closer.

When they did finally pull away, noses brushing and heated breaths mixing, Connor smirked before speaking softly, “We need to start carrying mouthwash on hand.”

Evan flushed as his hands ran through Connor's hair. 

“We need to smuggle the Taco Bell in or my mother is going to stop us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH  
> hey, i mean so much has happened in 80 days, right. (im so sry)  
> so i mean i figured out therapy! my therapist is honestly my fave and thinking about how much i appreciate her makes me want to cry  
> just like u guys  
> u r my backup therapy.  
> i have missed writing, i rpomise i am not abandoning this, i am still very in love with the dynamic between the two boys.  
> warning:iedited this at 11PM after studying for 5 hours so my brain isnt working  
> but hi! i hope you enjoy this mushy ass chapter!  
> please send asks to @crossroal on tumblr!!!   
> (also, i need ideas for how to continue this fanfic, soooooooooooooooooooooooooo time for yall to come up with ideas  
> im so tired  
> i love you  
> instead of muddling my brain with math, i chose you instead  
> ur wlecome  
> math final soon and then im done for a week!!! 
> 
>  
> 
> i love you all. none of you are burdens and you all deserve love, and safety and peace.
> 
> no really, peace. peace out. (im not funny)


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess whos back, back, back again.
> 
> ( THIS CHAPTER iS A MESS I NEED TO EDIT THE SPACING IM SORRY NEW READERS) thank yu

Monday night had been the best Monday of his life.  
Tuesday morning, Evan was especially jumpy around everyone except for Connor. He instead pressed closer as they walked side-by-side in the forever-crowded hallways. Their shoulders brushing almost at every step, quiet amidst the other students that yelled and shouted randomly.  
Instead of filling the space with words, they soaked up the unfamiliar feeling of. It felt completely different than all the other times they had walked down the same hallway. The newfound hope had them both glowing. Connor basked in a pure child-like giddiness that he hadn't felt in a very long time. When he'd look over at the other, it seemed like Evan was feeling better with smiles coming a little easier. Connor didn't expect Evan to be completely out of the woods yet, but he had to admit it was nice to see smiles from the boy who had struggled with so much heartbreak the night before.  
Thinking of their shoulders brushing and hands itching to be held by the others made him feel warm as he sat at the group's cafeteria table. Connor waited for Evan, his knee bouncing anxiously as his chin rested in his clammy palm.  
Since Connor always got to the table first, he was one of very few students that had classes next to the commons. He dozed off, eyelids fluttering closed in a weak attempt to replace missed sleep. A low murmur grew in the cafeteria, the white noise slowly lulling him to sleep.  
He was half asleep when Zoe crashed in, sitting down on the chairs with too much force necessary.  
“Hey Connor, How was your night? You didn’t tell anyone you’d be staying the night at Evans.” Zoe grinned with her familiar piercing blue eyes that offered up a world of implications. She didn't bother to take out her lunch since she was focused like a laser on Connor's reddening face.  
“Fuck off.” Connor denied any of her annoying probes into his life with the succinct phrase. He dropped his arm to the table and looked down, picking at his nails and murmuring a simple ‘Hello’ to Alana when she greeted him. He felt Zoe’s eyes on him and ignored the unfaltering stare that made his knee only bounce faster.  
Alana's eyes stared at him for a second as she sat next to him. His knee bouncing and fingers picking away at the black nail polish was such an obvious change in demeanor that the stares were justified. That was even more annoying for some reason.  
With his heart racing so fast he wishes he could stop it, Connor only felt more distress as he realized that this terrible feeling was something Evan non-stop struggled with.  
Connor was aided by some sense of relief when he heard Jared’s almost embarrassingly loud laugh. Of course, he wouldn’t be happy to see Jared, but Evan most likely trailed behind.  
He looked up quickly, with too much hope in his eyes. His lips quirked up into a small smile as his eyes connected with Evan's. He felt the anxiousness disappear once butterflies swarmed the nasty feeling.  
Evan smiled slightly and Connor caught the flush of beautiful color as he looked away.  
Connor restrained himself from watching Evan walkover as his gaze shifted around. First to the detail in the shitty table, they sat at, and then eventually up to Zoe. Connor caught the devious look in her eye’s and felt the nervousness come back ten times harder as he tried to distract the hunter.  
“Zo-”  
“Hey, Evan! How are you?” She cheerily asked him, placing her chin in her palm and acting like hearing about his well-being was the most interesting thing she could possibly ask about.  
“uh, I-I’m good?” He stared at her with wide eyes, slightly spooked and Connor noticed as he moved his hand to grip the seat of his chair, his fingers curling around the crappy plastic and gripping so hard his hand became a shade paler.  
“Oh, well that’s good. Did you get the calc homework done last night?” She asked casually, taking her crappy packed lunch out of her backpack before catching Evan’s flushed cheeks at the mention of the night before.  
“I-I- uh-”  
“He was feeling shitty last night, so no. I was there and slept over. Lay the fuck off.”  
“You’re getting pretty hostile there, Connor. I’m sure Evan can handle the question.”  
Jared grinned at him and narrowed his eyes with a cunning sense of joyful teasing before continuing with a falsely sweet voice, “Are you positive nothing-”  
“J-Jared…” Evan grumbled quietly, frowning at the other before he used his free hand to get his brown paper bag from his backpack. The fingers that were still gripping his seat relaxed along with his shoulders as Connor placed his own hand over Evan’s with a gentle touch as they both remained inconspicuous.  
Connor sank back into his previous position, placing his face in his palm and relaxing as he closed his eyes and dozed at the crappy table. Every once in awhile he would tune into conversations but mostly he just grew so distracted by the hold Evan was developing on his hand. He had moved so that their fingers were linked, and Connor could only squeeze his hand as the warm feeling returned with a burning passion.

____

When Evan gently woke him up, he groggily sat up and looked at his phone’s clock, noting that their next period was in five minutes. He slumped to the side and let his head rest on Evan’s shoulder as he yawned.  
“We should jus’skip.” Connor slurred, the sleep blending his words together into a blob of syllables.  
He opened his eyes again at the clearing of Evan’s throat, which signaled awkwardness immediately and made Connor’s stomach turn. He was met with the beaming grins of the three other that sat at their table, all at varying degrees. Jared was looking like he was proud that Evan got some dick. Alana and Zoe were just beaming as they tried to look away and talk amongst themselves.  
Connor sat up and ran his free hand over his face as he felt his whole body grow hot.  
“Um, C-Connor we can’t skip. I have a test i-in sixth.” Evan denied Connor’s hope and smiled sadly at the frustrated glare. “S-s-sorry…”  
“It’s not your fault.” Connor rubbed his thumb gently on Evan’s hand and glanced around, immediately noticing Jared’s raised eyebrows.  
“What?” Venom was all out in Connor’s voice and he subconsciously gripped Evan’s hand.  
“Nothing,” Jared smirked before finishing up his food and getting up to throw away his tray.  
Connor’s shoulders tensed but he just let the pent-up breath release slowly and watched Jared walk away with a scowl.  
“C’mon. L-let’s get to Lit.” Evan released Connor’s hand and stood up, grabbing his lunch and shoving it into his backpack quickly.  
The speed made caused Connor’s interest to pique and he narrowed his eyes as he stood up from the table. The two of them said their goodbye’s to the two girls and began to walk to their class as the silence between them felt tenser as the day went on.

____

The classroom was dark and dangerous for both Evan and Connor. Every time he looked over at the other young man, Evan was dozing but always pulled himself out of the funk and refocused on the documentary on the projector.  
Connor had bit his inner cheek to shreds so far with nerves about what the two of them were going to do about their friend’s and family in relation to both of the boy’s relations.  
Of course, Connor was nervous about that, but another thought was wholly dominating his mind as he took out his phone and texted Evan after completely darkening the phone’s screen.

conman: u didn’t eat

ev: Yeah I did.

conman: don’t be like that. u didnt.

A pause. A few actual minutes passed before he got a lit up screen.

Ev: I just wasn’t hungry.

conman: you need to eat

ev: im Fine

conman: cut the shit

conman: you need to fuckin eat

conman: you know you do

ev: Did you take a single bite of anything then?

Now it was Connor’s turn to pause. Evan definitely caught him there. About a minute later he opened a new message.

ev: I’m sorry I shouldnt have said that

conman: its fine

There was no response for a minute so Connor decided to settle into his arms which he shifted into an uncomfortable pillow. He closed his eyes, knowing that Evan’s were on him.

____

It was the end of the day, which was a huge relief. When the bell rang, and he was released, it felt like half of the weight on his shoulders was gone. The nap he snagged in the fourth period was like a breath of the freshest air ever. Since he didn’t really sleep at all last night, from his mind racing or from Evan not being able to sleep for more than thirty-minute increments.  
He exited his classroom and made his way down the hallway, taking a left towards the student parking lot. Connor closed his eyes and let his breathing even out as he leaned against the clunker of his car.  
“H-Hey..” The familiar voice shook him out of his drained stupor and he opened his eyes to see the exhausted face that caused his chest to feel all warm and funny.  
“Hey. So my mom wanted you over tonight, and I know you’re exhausted so I told her I’d ask you. It’s up to you. I made up that you spent all last night pulling an all-nighter for your AP Environmental class instead of...what actually happened, y’know…” Connor felt his face flush warm at the mention of the evening before. It wasn’t like they fucked, but just bringing up the vulnerability in their affection towards each other felt almost as scandalous.  
Evan's cheeks flushed a warm pink also as he glanced down and gripped the hem of his sweatshirt with twiddling fingers. “Y-Yeah. Uhm I would love to go over to your house but- I will yeah- J-just… Are you… out?” He looked up and watched as Connor’s shoulders tensed and a small grimace was shown on his lips and his face in response flushed red and panic was shown in his eyes. “Oh! I mean I-I J-just wanted to… Like- Uh- How should I act? A-are we a thing? I don’tknowifyou’dactuallywanttod-dateme, C-Connor, I mean I-I’m a mess and wh-”  
Connor had been growing even more exhausted with Evan’s hyper demeanor, and he needed something to calm the other boy down. He honestly had no clue what to do until Evan doubted Connor’s emotional attachment to their relationship. Then the response seemed pretty fucking obvious. And really fucking cliche. It almost made him cringe with the stupid gay chick flick moment.  
Connor honestly did think that the idea was stupid until he actually kissed the stuttering young man and felt Evan jump under the kiss before leaning into it. Connor’s hand came up to rest on Evan’s waist while the other moved to his cheek and his fingertips spread into his dirty blonde hairline. Connor felt the other boy relax and lean into his touch as they broke apart their lips to breath a little.  
Evan seemed a bit more out of breath and seemed to forget that he wasn’t in private. Although when he did remember that they weren’t alone, Connor saw his eyes flick open as he lowered himself back down off of his toes and his face flushed bright red as only a few other kids were caught staring. As he looked down at the other, he noticed the anxiety crashing into Evan like a brick wall. His eyes were darting around and looking at the others that had been staring at the two.  
“Hey. Evan, Hey.” Connor gently spoke, getting the other’s jittery attention. “It’s okay, don’t worry about them, Or us.” He watched as Evan quirked his eyebrows down into a confused frown. “Ev, I do want to date you, Okay?”  
“Okay..” Connor noticed the spark of hope in Evan’s eyes and the relaxing of the muscles that supported his whole body.  
“Just-” Wind blew through the parking lot and the brisk breeze permeated everyone’s warm coats and sucked warmth from the student body. “Jesus, It’s getting cold, get in the car.” Evan nodded, breaking concentration and shivering as he made his way to the front of the car before opening the passenger door and slid into the seat.  
Connor locked the doors and turned up the heat, shuddering and looking out the window before turning to the other person in the car. He looked Evan over and got almost lost in the flush in his cheeks from what was either the biting November winds or the kiss they had shared only half-a-minute ago. He got lost in how the boy relaxed in his seat, almost like the familiarity of the smell of weed and teen issues was comforting. Connor got lost in the way that the other boy quirked his lips and brows in question when he caught the taller one of the two staring like he was now.  
“Con.. You were going to say somethin-”  
“Yeah! I just…” Connor flushed a deep shade and glanced away, running his hand through his hair before rubbing his face with a low sigh. “Of course I want to date you. I just… I’m only out to my sister and Cynthia.” He snuck a glance at Evan’s face and saw the recognition on his face in response to the slippery situation. “He... I mean you know him. He belongs in the fucking 1980’s.” Connor sat back in his seat with a frustrated huff and frowned at the windshield.  
“W-well, you know we don’t have to- We don’t have to act like… Uh- Like that… This in front of your family?”  
“Oh god. Yeah, Jesus, I know I could never. They’re so fucking nosy. I wouldn’t be able to breathe.” Connor let out a bit of laughter although the amusement was dry and forced.  
Silence fell over the warm atmosphere and the two breathed heavily, although the tension in the air wasn’t hostile.  
“Connor,” Evan mumbled with a sheepish tone and Connor stared ahead, deep in thoughts of nothing.  
“Hm?”  
“Con.” He seemed almost impatient now.  
“What-,” Connor shook himself out of his stupor and took a breath, turning his head and asking what the fuck was needed.  
“Can… Can I- Uhm, y’know?” Connor frowned at the other kid and raised his eyebrows in a way to almost coax the true meaning of his words out of his lips. “L-like…” He noticed the other become frustrated and next thing, lips were on his in a beautifully revved up way. It felt like electricity was tingling in his skin and he grinned into the deep press of their lips. Evan seemed like he was basically grasping for air that could only be obtained by kissing the other.  
When they did break apart, Evan’s lips were slightly redder and inflamed with the urgency in their kisses and his face could have been the same damn shade.  
Both of them sat in the heated car and simply stared at the other’s disheveled appearance. They looked so thoroughly shaken, although in the best way possible, and it felt like the best possible way for your heart to be racing so hard you could hear it.  
“Evan, honestly, you don’t need to ask if you’re gonna kiss me like that.” Connor mischievously grinned and raised his eyebrows as he covered up his fear of falling so fast for Evan.  
The other flushed brightly and glanced away.  
“I.. I just- I mean, like not in school!” Evan became exasperated through the sentence and took a deep breath of the congested air.  
“Mhm..” Connor smirked and leaned forward again, gently kissing at the seams of Evan’s lips and moving to the corners of his mouth before moving down to his soft jawline. He swore he heard the other sigh before he pulled himself away from Connor’s lips.  
“Connor… W-we can’t do that in t-the school parking lot.” His voice was shaking although his self-control seemed to be unstaggering.  
His upturned lips turned down into an exaggerated frown as he pulled his body back upright in his seat, huffing while he started up the engine.  
“Fine... cockblock,” Connor smirked as he put his car in reverse. The other person in the car obviously wasn’t prepared for the humorous comment and instead of showing outright amusement, Evan choked on the water he was drinking, his face flushing red as he coughed loudly.  
“You alright?” Connor grinned as he caught the reaction from the corner of his eye and put his car in reverse as Evan recuperated.  
Evan simply nodded, looking down at his lap and stewing in his flustered emotions.  
“Okay. Well, I’m bringing us somewhere for food since we didn’t eat lunch. What’s your favorite place to go for fast food?” Connor looked over as he waited for the car behind him to just fucking go already.  
Evan seemed a bit better after getting off the topic and shrugged as he turned to look at Connor. “I’ve really only had Taco Bell and McDonald's...but Taco Bell was pretty good.”  
“Perfect.” Connor backed up out of his shitty spot and they finally made it out of that damn parking lot.

______

They ended up getting a few soft tacos and Connor couldn’t be happier to smell something that wasn’t gluten-free or like whatever paleo is. When he was handed the bag, it actually took a lot of self-control to hand it to Evan and drive home instead of eating them right in the drive-thru lane.  
The silence as he drove them to the Murphy household was palpable but comfortable. He slightly jumped when something warm touched his hand, but when he glanced down and saw Evans fingers spreading his own and linking their hands together, the anxious feeling in his gut lessened significantly.  
A small smile spread across his lips and he felt content with the present for right now. Connor felt his body tense up slightly as he pulled into his driveway and to his spot off the side of their garage.  
He felt Evan squeeze his hand once in reassurance before letting go and getting out of the car. Connor wanted to whine as the warm hand left his colder palm that had just started feeling cozy. His eyebrows furrowed slightly as he watched Evan leave the car before taking a long breath and getting out.  
“Did you tell your mom I'd be here?” Evan asked, his anxiousness showing through now that they were actually walking up to the door.  
“Erm…” Connor frowned slightly as he ran his free hand through his hair, stopping on a step behind Evan’s.  
“C-connor! I can't just jump in on yo-your families life l-like that!-” Evan's eyes were wide and he clutched their food with white knuckles as he continued, turning so that their faces were even, “T-then I'm a burden wh-who eats your food a-and-”  
“Evan, Jesus. My mom fuckin’ loves you! They wish they could replace me with someone as smart, caring, or as talented as you are.”  
Evan shook his head in response as bashfulness took over the pigment on his face. Looking away from Connor caused him to feel even more dismissed.  
“I’m serious.” Connor paused, furrowing his eyebrows and sighing in slight frustration. “You’re the angel on my shoulder I was missing.”  
Evan couldn’t handle responding with words as he looked up with a slightly shocked expression. Speaking didn't exactly seem like a viable option right now, so he decided on the next one.  
Evan moved forward and kissed Connor's lips with a smile. The other had been taken off guard for a second before Connor recovered and leaned into the embrace. Evan's arms rested on Connor’s shoulders as he held the Taco Bell tightly while pulling him even closer. Connor’s opted to rest on Evan’s waist so that he could use the leverage to pull their chests closer.  
When they did finally pull away, noses brushing and heated breaths mixing, Connor smirked before speaking softly, “We need to start carrying mouthwash on hand.”  
Evan flushed as his hands ran through Connor's hair.  
“We need to smuggle the Taco Bell in or my mother is going to stop us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH  
> hey, i mean so much has happened in 80 days, right. (im so sry)  
> so i mean i figured out therapy! my therapist is honestly my fave and thinking about how much i appreciate her makes me want to cry  
> just like u guys  
> u r my backup therapy.  
> i have missed writing, i rpomise i am not abandoning this, i am still very in love with the dynamic between the two boys.  
> warning:iedited this at 11PM after studying for 5 hours so my brain isnt working  
> but hi! i hope you enjoy this mushy ass chapter!  
> please send asks to @crossroal on tumblr!!!  
> (also, i need ideas for how to continue this fanfic, soooooooooooooooooooooooooo time for yall to come up with ideas  
> im so tired  
> i love you  
> instead of muddling my brain with math, i chose you instead  
> ur wlecome  
> math final soon and then im done for a week!!! 
> 
>  
> 
> i love you all. none of you are burdens and you all deserve love, and safety and peace.
> 
> no really, peace. peace out. (im not funny)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao its so short im sorry but its so sweet aw

The two had sneaked up into his room in record time. Cynthia had only said a few hellos, seemingly occupied with reading in the living room. When they made it up the stairs, scrambling and sliding on the clean and sparkling hardwood floor, they pretty much ran down the hall and into his room as quietly as possible.

Evan and Connor both had youthful smiles, their chests heaving with the unneeded adrenaline from protecting their riches. When they both were inside, Connor turned and closed the door quietly, hands shaking from the rush of faux fight-or-flight symptoms.

Evan placed his bag on Connor’s desk chair and unzipped his backpack, taking the fast food out and opening the brown paper while making his way over to the bed.

Evan sat down as he yawned, retrieving his order from the bag and handing the rest to Connor.

Connor shook his head at the hilarity of the situation and moved to plop down next to Evan.

“That was so stupid,” He grinned over at Evan while digging his taco out of the bag filled with napkins and hot sauce they probably wouldn’t use.

Evan held back laughter, smiling with his lips closed as he ate his food.

They ate in silence, both not exactly having realized that their bodies were really fucking hungry.

When Connor finished though, Evan was pretty much pestering him like a hungry feline.

“Connor you have to study for our Lit midterm on Friday.” Ugh.

“You can’t put this off. It’s in two days.” Whatever.

“I’ll study tomorrow!” Connor tried to shake off the bugging and nagging, but the other boy would not stop verbally poking at him.

“Nope. Cramming is not an option for four months of material. C’mon I’ll help you.”

“Did you tell your mom you’re here?” Irritation and annoyance were plain in his tone, but he didn’t feel remorse due to the steel in Evan’s gaze as their eyes met, the air of the room turning tense.

“That has nothing t-to do… Connor, you n-need to study.” Evan grumbled, glancing away as the change of subject obviously didn’t suit his preference.

“You need to communicate with her, or things are just going to get worse.” Connor chided, raising an eyebrow as Evan sat still through the vexatious one-sided conversation. “Ev.”

“I know! I know, Okay? I-I just… She’ll know how crappy I’m feeling and I don’t want to be a weight, a-a-and I c-can’t handle both of us being a mess.” Frustration and panic seeped from Evan’s being.

“You know, so act on it. Remember, she’s your mother. She isn’t going to freak out on you.” Connor sighed and looked out his window as he tried to put off his studying, adding gently, "Also, you're not a mess."

“Ok.” Evan’s voice was quiet as he reached for his backpack, fishing his phone out from the side pocket and settling back on Connor’s bed. “Well, I’ll help you with studying if you want.” 

Connor’s obvious huff of exasperation was enough to get Evan to smile as Connor glanced over at him.

“Whatever.”

“You can do it. Study for an hour and then we’ll do… something.” Evan kept Connor’s eyes caught in his before looking back down at his phone.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Connor narrowed his eyes at the pushy young man before turning around in his seat and getting to work, trying to show some type of self-control.

 

____

 

After that hellish hour, his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he felt pure relief. Connor had felt like his head was going to explode. Thankfully it didn’t, of course, but he could go a few years now without even spotting some Language Arts questions.

Opening his mouth to speak as he removed his earbuds, he cut off his words before they left his mouth as he spotted Evan passed out on his bed.

A small smile passed over his face when he saw that Evan had stolen one of Connor’s hoodies from the foot of his bed. It seemed like Evan was still recuperating from the last few nights when sleep had been pretty much nonexistent. 

He was sitting up, back and head resting against Connor’s dark wall, a binder on his lap and papers scattered around him.

Connor stood and stretched, feeling his bones pop and muscles sigh in relief before he relaxed, walking over to his bed and gently gathering the papers from the duvet, stacking them carefully and nestling them inside the open binder before closing it gently. 

The slight movement must’ve been too strong, since Evan’s eyes broke open, and he jumped slightly as he actually focused in on the person close to him. Once the drowsiness took away the veil over his vision, Evan furrowed his eyebrows as he sat up a bit more, obviously oblivious to the reddening flush in Connor’s face.

His brain was basically a hormonal struggle and nothing made sense. With Evan’s face not that far away as Connor was basically kneeling over him, it made everything hard to process efficiently.

“Connor, what’re you doing?” Evan asked drowsily, bringing a hand up to rub his eyes before he focused in on the others face, which was only about a few inches away in reality. 

Of course, when someone is sleeping, you don’t think of kissing them right then, since what the fuck man, that isn’t morally sound. But when they’re awake and you find yourself stuck in that spot of awkwardness and closeness as you try and make them more comfortable, it spawns a type of excitement of being caught in your gut with pure tension in your bones as you hover over the person you’re falling for.

He felt all of those emotions as he eased himself back from Evan, settling to kneel next to him instead and grab the binder and papers to place on the ground next to his bed.

“Connor?”

“I was just clearing off the bed? I was pretty tired so we could both lay down…”

“Oh- oh yeah of course.” Evan yawned slightly and sat up a bit more as Connor got back on his feet and retrieved a large hoodie before coming back to slip off his shoes. 

“Uhm, Connor… What side do you want?” Evan seemed flustered and shaken but Connor simply brushed off their feelings and felt his tiredness at the core.

“I’ll take the wall spot.” He declared quietly, crawling back to the side closest to the cool wall and laid on his back stiffly, realizing the newfound awkwardness that came with their new relationship.

“Okay, yeah I’ll just.. Uh…” Evan seemed to get more anxious by the second as he eased himself to lay down next to Connor, his bones static as if he was a robot.

Sensing the pure tension but also exhaustion both of them felt, Connor knew he’d have to break it somehow if they were going to get any sleep.

“Here, Hey, just shift to your side?” Connor asked quietly, the dim light from his desk lamp casting shadows over their faces and setting an intimate tone. Evan glanced over at him before nodding, adjusting as he moved to rest on his side, no longer facing the other.

Connor gently and slowly laced his arm around Evan’s waist and only slowed at first when he felt the physical tension in the other’s body. He gently linked his arm around him and pulled them closer together as he laid on his side as well, soon his face close to Evan’s neck as he curled up closer.

He seemed still like he didn’t want to make a mistake before relaxing with a breath and shifting back closer to Connor. With a small smile on both of their faces, they drifted off slowly and found themselves deep in a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its cute ik ik  
> but also, its like close to thanksgiving for them, so ill have them escaping family members festivley, of course, but then i might just skip to christmas/hanukkah where i have something evil planned.   
> idk if i should skip, its just idk what to write about.   
> i mean i ship evan as demisexual, which is right in the middle of being asexual and not.  
> like me! (but im demipansexual lmao a bit more complicated. ev is like demibisexual)  
> so it will be some time before the bois *ahem* have sex.  
> but it probs will happen. i just need to grow some damn tittahs and stop being so anxious  
> i mean i cant i wish it were that easy but i may invest in some help, or i will be a bit implying it, but we wont get the DEETS u'know? or i could collab with someone and they'd help. idk its hard man.  
> but lemme know in the comments!!!: 1. should i skip to christmas after the bois go through thanksgiving? 2. what should i do with the smutty category??  
> thanks i love you all  
> please remember, that you arent absurd! i know im feeling like that with the holidays coming up and people thinking that im too complicated. whether that be my sexuality or my mental illnesses.  
> you are completely valid in your struggles with family issues, just know PLEASE take time for yourself.   
> you deserve it.  
> ALSO! please know that it is okay to take a day off from family if it is getting overwhelming being with people all the time when you struggled with these issues!  
> happy holidays/christmas/hanukkah!!!!!  
> (also, i know literally nothing about alot of religions, so when i write about evan's experience during the holiday season, please know that i am an atheist trying to put myself in the shoes of someone who has a whole 9 days devoted to celebrating your religion so please know im trying my best!!! thank you)  
> i love you people, i hope you enjoyed the short, although sweet chapter. (its cute as hell okay)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol it's legit only good quotes and making out

His vision was blurry as he was awoken by a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking his body. Connor pulled his face away from Evan and craned his head to look over his shoulder to find Zoe there, smiling gently at the two as Evan slept peacefully.

“What?” He whispered quietly, voice catching and raspy with sleep. Connor swallowed in effect and blinked a few times as he woke up.

“I didn’t wanna wake you guys for dinner, but it’s 9 so Evan might wanna go home? If he isn’t staying over?” Zoe raised her eyebrows with slight innuendo. Maybe there wasn’t an innuendo there, but Connor read it as such and cringed internally at the fact that his sister brought that up.

“No, he probably should go home…his mom most likely wants him home.” Connor spoke in their hushed tone and sighed quietly. “I’ll get him up.”

“Okay. I’ll heat up some of the stir-fry for you.”

“Thanks.” Connor sat up as she turned away to exit, closing the door silently behind her. His legs were aligned with Evans and they were kinda tangled together, so he wasn’t exactly surprised when the other younger man started stirring with a groan.

“Hey, Ev, time to get up.” Connor murmured, lying down next to him again and placing a hand on his side.

Evan’s eyes cracked open and he smiled while grimacing at the grogginess of their awakening. He shifted around to face Connor, letting his eyes rest closed, obviously fighting the need to wake up. His hand moved up and rested on Connors cheek as both of their smiles grew.

“Good Morning,” Evan spoke, his throat a little rough which only caused Connor’s stomach to drop with pure emotion.

“Morning…” Connor mumbled as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Evan’s, causing the other to shift forward as his hand moved up to his cheek to lace into the dark tangled hair.

After giving gentle pecks to one another, they took a second to lean back and look at one another’s faces.

“It’s 9 and I’ll give you some leftovers to bring home just in case you only have pop tarts.”

Evan smiled slightly and spoke as his eyes flicked down to Connor’s lips.

“Pop Tarts aren’t as bad as you make them sound.”

“They aren’t a dinner.”

“They’re a breakfast so I think that that qualifies-” Connors soft laughter cut off Evan’s sentence.

“Oh my god, Ev, they don’t keep you full for an hour.”

“They are labeled as a brea- breakfast food.”

Connor grinned stupidly and huffed in hilarity before leaning in and showering Evan with little kisses.

“W-we should get up,” Evan muttered as he smiled through the kisses he was giving and receiving.

“I don’t want you to leave.” Connor paused the pecks and moved away just so they could speak without brushing lips or noses together.

“I don’t want to either but my mom is gonna be home waiting for me.”

“Okay, yeah. Yeah, you’re right…” He trailed off, pouting slightly and moving to lie on his stomach, propping his chin up with a hand.

“Yeah.” Evan sighed, shifting to lay on his back, frowning as his eyes moved down from Connor’s eyes to his lips and then looking away with that familiar flush in his cheeks.

“Evan we really need to get up.”

“I know.”

Connor raised an eyebrow as he lied there, unmoving except for glancing up at the lanky man that was precariously positioned almost over Evan.

“Fuck, whatever-” Connor selfishly gave into what he wanted and moved his closest hand to cage Evan in as he lowered his lips to the others.

He felt Evan smile at the reckless feeling as they both brought hands to caress the other heatedly. Connor noticed as Evan’s hand moved to the back of his head and pushed him closer, causing a tinge of arousal from the controlling tone of the moment.

Connor inhaled deep into his lungs and kissed Evan with juvenile fervor, both of them fighting for the authority of their relationship at the moment. He had crawled over Evan, caging in hiss head with his elbows supporting his weight. 

He had thought he won the fight for dominance and found himself feeling slightly disappointed as he couldn’t feel the same urgency in their torridity. Connor let his guard down, allowing his body to relax more into the kiss and added more passion until next thing he felt was a hand reaching up, grabbing the collar of his sweatshirt and the other hand clutching his hip before Evan rolled them over quickly.

Their lips broke apart and shock was apparent on Connor’s face as he flushed a dark shade of pink, Evan looking almost just as blushy as both of them breathed harshly. He decided to meet Evan halfway and propped himself up on his forearms, his chest just slightly held up off of his bedsheets as Evan was all around him.

Of course, the both of them were kissing like it was the end of the world, and with their heavy breathing as a simple cue, the two were quickly becoming overstimulated. Connor could feel his mind blurring like when he was high, but it was much more intimate. He didn’t feel any pangs of loneliness and there was the added benefit of being turned-on beyond turned on.

Connor felt a pure buzzing in his head when he was under Evan, the trust between the two feeling like a new type of love that kindled in physical intimacy.

The moment was immediately ruined when someone knocked on the door and Connor ended up sitting up and hitting his head against Evan’s.

“Fuck! No, Um we’ll be out in a second!” Connor exclaimed, bringing his hand to his head and looking from the door back to Evan with the red flush of embarrassment flooding his face and neck.

“Sorry…” Connor grimaced as he saw Evan holding his chin.

“It’s okay! D-don't worry.” Evan had a similar insecure blush on his cheeks as he made sure he didn’t directly sit on Connor’s lap, instead hovering above while they spoke until he actually got up and off of the bed, straightening his sweatshirt and tucking his undershirt back in. Connor sat there for a second before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and pulling his oversized hoodie past his hip as he stood up with slightly shaky legs.

Evan packed up his homework and glanced down at the hoodie he wore before looking at Connor.

“Do you want your sweater b-back?”

“Nah, you know it’s a lot cuter on you anyways.” Connor smiled and shoved his hands into his pockets, trying anything to keep from brushing against his uncomfortably tight jeans.

Evan basically coughed like a life-long cigarette smoker or at least looked like he did as he scrambled to handle the compliment.

“Let’s go then.” Connor opened his door and grabbed his keys off of his nightstand along with his phone before following Evan out of his room and closing the door and both of them descending into the kitchen to find Zoe looking up from her phone and immediately biting her cheek to keep from smirking as she obviously picked up on the flushed and shaken appearance of Evan and the collected and quiet demeanour Connor carried.

“You guys were taking a while, yeah?”

“Fuck off.”

“Language!”

“Hi Mrs. Murphy, thanks for having me over again.” Zoe walked over and handed him Tupperware with some food, a small smile on her face as she bid goodbye to Evan before going upstairs to her room.

“Of course. I hope you can use that stir-fry, we made a little too much.”

“I’m going to go heat up the car, hang out in here for a second.” Connor felt like the room was tense and his stomach turned at the feeling of his father’s eyes on him as if Larry had known what they were doing up in his room.

He moved to the door, said a quick goodbye to his parents before closing the door behind him and taking a breath of fresh air as he walked to his car and climbed into the driver’s seat.

Evan was speaking with Cynthia about his classes, feeling slightly uncomfortable considering the fact that he was snogging her son on his bed with the door closed a literal few minutes ago. Not to mention he was very uncomfortable in his clothes as he stuffed his hands in his sweatshirt pockets.

Once Connor honked, Evan bid Cynthia goodbye and moved to the door, grabbing the handle and speaking a little quieter.

“Goodnight, Mr. Murphy.”

“Oh, one second.” Larry looked up from his book and stood before placing his book page-down on the leather recliner. He walked over and took a breath.

“I just wanted to know why… why you and Connor are continuing on…? He has never had much luck with friendships. I- uh. I just wanted to make sure you two… aren’t doing…” Evan felt his face flush for that millisecond of innuendo before Larry continued, “drugs, you know… I mean Connor’s nothing but trouble.”

Evan furrowed his brow for a second before looking up at Larry.

“Trouble, Yeah..” He paused, thinking about his next words carefully, smiling slightly as he spoke again. “But not nothing, not nothing.”

Larry frowned slightly as Evan opened the door, Connor honking impatiently.

“Goodnight Mr. Murphy.”

“Goodnight Evan.”

Evan nodded before closing the door and heading over to Connor’s car and sliding into the passenger seat.

“What did he want?”

“He just wanted to talk about my classes that's all.”

“Mhm.” Connor raised an eyebrow and put the car in drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK i love this chapter just because I think this might be how comfortable i am with writing sexual innuendo'eddddddd content u'kno im just so nervous lmao  
> but hiya, the updates r gonna continue to be abrupt and scattered but, im happy with this chapter, because after this, we skipping to christmas and some plot-twists r gonna fuck shit up MUAHAHA  
> im so excited for that but after that im kinda at unease of what to do. I might end the fic after that.... uhm but idk. lol  
> i feel bad because i love bringing you guys joy but there is less time in my life for writing, especially if im planning on getting a job.  
> idk  
> but hey! that wont be for a while. maybe 4-6 chapters?? pretty long? but yeah  
> its gonna get fucked up,  
> shits going down  
> the fluff has been intense lately u know  
> so that angst can level it out
> 
> BUT ANYWAYS  
> i love u people i hope your holidays were great and your 2018 should be great because i said so ily sleep well and good morning


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ur welcome for alk of the fluff/SMUT bitches
> 
> discord server join it  
> https://discord.gg/ECEzd5v

Dragging through the next multiple weeks, the two grew closer, if it was even possible. They visited each other's homes more often, which meant good things for both of them. Whether the two were together, the tension slipped from their bones for longer and longer the more they saw of each other.

Connor thought it was love. Evan thought it was love as well. Even if they were young and had never felt anything like this, that gut feeling isn't something easy to shake. It sticks to your ribcage, never moving out of the way of your heart. A blessing and a curse. 

The natural anxiety that Evan felt informed him that at one point it would be a curse. Connor knew this wasn't going to last forever, even if he wished it so. 

It wasn't like he thought his depression and other shit was fixed. He knew it wasn't. Due to that, he knew it would destroy him to lose Evan, and to lose him would be the last straw. 

Connor thought Evan would be fine if he disappeared. Evan thought Connor would be fine if he disappeared. 

This is a prime example of how, even if everything is going great, the foundations they stood upon that had raised them from thoughts of suicide, were tragically unsteady.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

  
  


This was the first instance that Connor shunned Evans tendencies to steal the covers. In early December and in a room with no heat, it wasn't like he was warm without covers. Even if Evan’s body is pressed up against him, Connors poor legs were popsicles. 

This is what he woke up to.

Groggy at first, he blinked his eyes open, glancing at the head of blonde hair on the pillow next to him, a bit lower and the back of Evans cranium resting on Connors' chest. First, he smiled before noticing how fucking freezing he was. Gently lifting his head and glancing at the rest of his body  (which should've been under covers, mind you) he realized why he was so cold. 

The twenty million blankets were all partially bunched in Evans all-encompassing arms, with only the edges of the down comforters and fuzzy blankets weakly trying to cover his torso. The blankets were failing miserably. 

Trying to wiggle his arm out from under Evan’s neck was tough, but eventually, he got free and climbed out of bed. Connor padded over to the crappy heater and turned it on to its warmest setting before grabbing a few of the blankets that had fallen onto the freezing floor and was about to climb into bed. The view that stopped him had a few different perspectives that were bouncing around in his head.

First, Evan was a total blanket burrito. He was basically immobile. The blankets weaved through his legs and arms. It was adorable, but a big mess. There was no way Connor would be able to sleep with one thin blanket and a sliver of the bed spared from Evans almost-starfishing form. 

That was the con. 

Begrudgingly, Connor weighed the positives and negatives of his situation. He knew Evan would actually kill him if the boy even had an inkling that Connor didn't get sleep because he was too pansy to wake Evan up. And Connor really didn't like the possibility of a grumpy Evan.

His decision was made. 

Connor kneeled one knee onto the bed behind Evan's back and left a leg out behind him for balance as he leaned over the possibly drooli- wait. No, definitely drooling Evan. Connor admired him for a second before taking his left hand and gently rubbing Evans shoulder before moving it down to his neck and trailing his hand from the crook of his neck to up into his hairline. Connor felt him tense a little and stir, probably from Connors cold ass hands, and leaned down. He planted a few kisses on Evans open neck, trailing around to his jaw and under his ear. Connor pulled back once Evan hummed that waking up sound, seeming a bit pleased to that wake-up call sponsored by Connor's lips.

“Ev?”

A tired ‘hmm’ escaped the aforementioned boy’s throat.

“You kinda gotta untangle from the blankets. I don't really fit on the bed anymore.” Connor felt bad for asking for a simple thing from him. Evan was obviously deep in sleep and he felt so guilty.

Evan began to push the blankets from his body, kicking them away until he was free. Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and glanced over at Connor.

“Did you wake up because of me?” Evans' voice was a pleasing sound to hear, especially after he just awoke.

“Yeah, I was just… cold”

Evans face automatically showed guilt. “Shit- Shit I’m sorry.”

“No, it's okay.” Connor smiled slightly at him. “It was nice to hear your voice.”

That definitely wiped Evans guilt away. It was replaced with a quick red blush. “Shu- Shut up.”

“No! I’m serious.” Connor smiled, crawling onto the bed and fixing the blankets. Unwinding and unfolding was a bit hard but eventually, they were warming up when Connor laid the blankets all over the bed, covering up both of their legs. They both resituated the pillows before lying down fully, pulling the blankets up to their chins or ears, turning on the sid to look at the other.

“How have you- you slept so far?” Evan asked, yawning silently afterward.

“Fine. Just was a little chilly. We kinda forgot to turn on the heater yesterday."

Evan nodded slightly. He pressed his lips together for a quick second before reaching into his bedside pocket and grabbing a lip balm, quickly swiping it across his lips. 

Connor nestled a little bit back into the covers, letting Evan do his thing for a second. When Evan turned back, Connor was kind of hit with this realization that Evan was gorgeous. Like, he knew it before. But this was different. Evans soft face contours caught the dawning, blue dusty sunrise that shone through the white curtains and his eyelashes looked especially long, as Connor realized that this lip balm Evan used, is now his favorite. His hair was a little crazy but it only made Evan more endearing

“What are you looking at?” Evan joked, laughing and whispering somehow at the same time. After a second of Connor not knowing what to say, Evans' face grew a bit more serious. Frowning for a moment before propping himself up on his elbow. “Connor?”

“Hm?”

“You okay?” Evan asked, raising an eyebrow and leaning a bit closer, snaking a hand under the covers and resting his hand on Connors' shoulder. 

“Yeah, I just-” Connor frowned, he knew Evan would feel uncomfortable under the weight of his compliments that were stuffed down his throat, begging to be let out to verbalize how much he felt for this kid. So, some emotions aren't spoken if the receiver has self-esteem issues like all teenagers. 

But, Connor knew every teen had raging ass hormones. So using those, maybe that would be compliment enough.

He gently pounced (?) on Evan. His arm weaved around Evan’s to push him onto his back against the bed, and he leaned over the flushed faced 17 year old. Connors eyes landed on Evan’s lips and then flicked up to his eyes, wherein he lost it. He swooped down and claimed those babies. 

Evan wasn’t complaining, obviously enjoying the lapse of verbalization of emotions. He moved his hand up to weave into Connor’s dark hair, pulling his lips down closer. If it was even possible.

Connor let his ribs rest on Evan’s, at an angle compared to the other body, and moved his lips from Evans to travel down his throat in nipping lovely kisses. Evan was basically squirming under Connor and was enjoying the assault on his skin, but showed his desire to change it all up. He totally flipped them around, Evan kneeling and holding himself up off of Connor. 

A needy, annoyed and greedy noise escaped Connor’s throat as Evan withheld his lips. Evan’s hooded eyes gazed down for a second before leaning down and gently kissing Connor’s throat. 

Somehow Connor choked out some semblance of words. “Is your mom home?”

Evan definitely blushed but answered. “She leaves at 3 AM, so no.”

As an answer to the new information, Connor reached up, gripping Evans waistband of his sleeping pants and tugging him down. The smaller boy fell onto Connor, both of them huffing a little and flushing red as their eyes met.

Hormones won out, their lips meeting and hands gripping black hair as the other pair ran fingers only slightly under Evan’s waistband before his hands slid up his back and under his baggy shirt.

When Evan first began to run his lips and teeth along Connor’s jaw, grinding his hips down a bit as his knees caged in Connor’s pelvis, that's when he sat up from under Evan, holding them steady with his hands on Evans back. Stripping Evans shirt off of him before going for his own. Muttering quickly before attaching his lips to his partner's neck.

“That's the best news ever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW ItS BEEN SO LONG IVE MISSED THIS
> 
> and yes, my warm welcome back was a smut scene. dont jsudge me you should be thankful.
> 
> OMG SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED>
> 
> im like mentally healthy? what the fuck ikr. like im still a mess but at least ive been trying to not be a mess?  
> also im a fucking lesbian lmao who is surprised? jfc people ur girl is an idiot.  
> hm what else??? I MISSED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU  
> so much  
> i feel bad its taken this much time but also not really. Dear Connor Murphy used to be a projection of my feelings and it made me feel like shit. Now, it feels like im telling a story that i want people to read. this isnt a diary anymore and i hope you guys understand it took me so long to figure this out )and find an amazing therapist)
> 
> anywayssss i love you all. and thank you so much waiting. We will finish this FIC!!!!
> 
> I am @crossroal on tumblr. come talk to me about anything.
> 
> Hope u enjoyed the smut bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> https://discord.gg/ECEzd5v  
> discord server, pls join.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading my dreams of tree bros leave comments of constructive criticism and maybe asks for any idea you have? 
> 
> also like, analyze characters with meeee
> 
> tumblr: @crossroal (send me headcanons please, I beg of you.)


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